Chapter 32: My God Complex

Grandkids, I have a very important question to ask you,


What would you do if you were God?


If you saw injustice, suffering, maltreatment, or other ways that cause other people to suffer, what would you do?


What would you do if you saw Grandma Marcee being ordered around and controlled in every aspect of her life? Yeah, Gary Batchelor made Marcee go to work, earn a paycheck, then give all the money to him … for his “family”… a “family” that Grandma Marcee wasn’t even a part of because she wasn’t Batchelor’s “type.”


Huh? What would you do?


So think about what I knew about human reality … more importantly what I knew about myself … at the time I was sitting in Batchelor’s kitchen watching one of the sweetest and kindest women I had ever met being controlled by him.


I knew I was God. I knew that there was no other entity outside of me, above me, below me or beside me, that was more powerful in my reality than … well … ME!


I knew that I controlled everything about my life. I knew that I could do anything that I wanted to do … Of course, within the limits and boundaries set by the ability of everyone else to also do what they wanted. But I knew that Marcee didn’t know this about herself, and neither did Batchelor.


Marcee respected, looked to, and believed in the god that Batchelor had convinced her had given men the authority—even commanded men to have more than one wife or they would be damned for eternity.


I knew that there was no such god. But they didn’t.


Just like I knew about Grandpa (me), I knew that both Marcee and Batchelor had sole power over their life, over their reality, over their choices and beliefs. Like me, they could do anything that they wanted. Again, within the limits and boundaries set by the ability of everyone else to also do what they wanted.


So let me tell you what went down after I left Batchelor’s house (where his second wife, Mary Morrison [Marcee’s cousin] lived).


I got in my car to drive back to Jackie, Brandon, Caleb, and newly born, Sariah in our renovated school bus. I remember feeling stunned at what I had just witnessed.


First, I smiled. Then I started getting mad.


“What the fuck!” I said to myself. “That poor girl!”


Then guess who Grandpa got mad at and started to rant and rave against?


You might think I got mad at Gary Batchelor. Nope.


Since I knew more about the Mormon religion than Batchelor ever would, I knew that Batchelor was actually full of integrity, courage, and had a righteous resolve to follow the Mormon prophets of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. In this case, especially the two who followed in succession after the first Mormon prophet, Joseph Smith, was murdered: Brigham Young and John Taylor.


Batchelor had every right to do whatever it would take to become a God, “even the Sons of God.” Batchelor was a lot humbler than I was. I knew I was a god already. Batchelor didn’t know. He hadn’t had a brain fart disrupt his normal brain to cause him to know this. But he could still feel it. Everyone can.


Everyone feels that they are special and important … because they are! But no one understands why they feel this way.


I knew. They didn’t.


Unlike Batchelor, I no longer felt anything about God or becoming God … let alone a Son of God … because I knew that there wasn’t any god outside of my own brain.


But if you think I could have explained this concept to Batchelor at that time … fuck no!


Batchelor had proof that God had commanded men to be polygamists. His proof didn’t come from his own head … his own god … it came from someone else’s god … from another man who wanted to have more than one woman in his life.


But I was a man. Why couldn’t I have convinced Batchelor that his beliefs about polygamy were stupid and invented by horny men? The answer is simple:


I wasn’t a prophet of God.


A prophet of God speaks to God and God tells His prophet what men are supposed to do while on earth. Batchelor had been convinced … his own god had made the choice and given over his personal power to someone else … that Brigham Young was a true prophet of God.


He didn’t think I was a prophet … yet.


Here is an example of one of the many … and Grandpa means MANY … things that Brigham Young wrote about men being polygamists:


“Now, we as Christians desire to be saved in the kingdom of God. We desire to attain to the possession of all the blessings there are for the most faithful man or people that ever lived upon the face of the earth, even him who is said to be the father of the faithful, Abraham of old. We wish to obtain all that father Abraham obtained. I wish here to say to the Elders of Israel, and to all the members of this Church and kingdom, that it is in the hearts of many of them to wish that the doctrine of polygamy was not taught and practiced by us. It may be hard for many, and especially for the ladies, yet it is no harder for them than it is for the gentlemen. It is the word of the Lord, and I wish to say to you, and all the world, that if you desire with all your hearts to obtain the blessings which Abraham obtained, you will be polygamists at least in your faith, or you will come short of enjoying the salvation and the glory which Abraham has obtained. This is as true as that God lives.


“You who wish that there were no such thing in existence, if you have in your hearts to say: ‘We will pass along in the Church without obeying or submitting to it in our faith or believing this order [the order of polygamy], because, for aught that we know, this community may be broken up yet, and we may have lucrative offices offered to us; we will not, therefore, be polygamists lest we should fail in obtaining some earthly honor, character and office, etc,’—the man that has that in his heart, and will continue to persist in pursuing that policy, will come short of dwelling in the presence of the Father and the Son, in celestial glory. The only men who become Gods, even the Sons of God, are those who enter into polygamy. Others attain unto a glory and may even be permitted to come into the presence of the Father and the Son; but they cannot reign as kings in glory, because they had blessings offered unto them, and they refused to accept them.


(Brigham Young, Journal of Discourses 11:268-9.)


Gary Batchelor was right … for Gary Batchelor … and for every other Mormon who believed that Brigham Young was a prophet of God.


Batchelor desired to be saved in the kingdom of God. Batchelor desired to attain to the possession of all the blessings there are for the most faithful man or people that ever lived upon the face of the earth, even him who is said to be the father of the faithful, Abraham of old.


Batchelor wished to obtain all that father Abraham obtained.


Batchelor desired with all of his heart to obtain the blessings which Abraham obtained. To do so, according to a prophet of God, Batchelor must be a polygamist, at least in his faith, or he will come short of enjoying the salvation and the glory which Abraham has obtained.


Batchelor felt in his heart that this was as true “as that God lives.”


Because Batchelor didn’t know what I knew about the idea, concept, and feelings people have about God … because he was a humbler man than I was … he followed the men whom he believed had the authority to tell him what God wanted him to do.


So, Grandkids, you might think that I would have been mad at Brigham Young then. Right? Nope.


Why should I have been mad at Brigham Young? Young was married to the love of his life when he found Joseph Smith and Mormonism. He and the love of his life (just one woman) were baptized, and guess what happened next? The love of his life died. God fucking took the life of Young’s “love of his life”! Don’t ya think that Young might have been a bit emotionally upset about this?


“WTF? I join God’s only true church on earth and God fucking takes away the love of my life?”


Brigham Young must have been an emotional mess about some things. Right? But not about his faith in God … especially not his faith in whom he thought was God’s chosen mouthpiece, Joseph Smith, Jr.. At the time of his baptism into Mormonism, Young loved Joseph Smith … adored him! Brigham Young would have done anything that Joseph wanted him to … well, at first.


So, Grandkids, you might think that I would have been mad at Joseph Smith then. Right? Nope.


Brigham Young would have never believed in Joseph Smith without first reading and accepting the Book of Mormon. Gary Batchelor would have never believed in Brigham Young without first reading and accepting the Book of Mormon.


Now, I don’t think Grandma Marcee had read much of the Book of Mormon when she first met Batchelor. Marcee was a kind, sweet, but rebellious teenager. But Marcee loved kids. Marcee loved a strong family environment, something that she didn’t have. Her cousin had an instant family. Marcee didn’t have one. Once her cousin, Mary Morrison, entered into polygamy, Marcee had instant access to five other kids from Batchelor’s first wife, Vicky Prunty. And Grandma Marcee loved those kids with all of her heart and soul … that’s how Grandma Marcce is.


So, why wouldn’t she want to hang around Batchelor? And when Batchelor pointed out all that God’s prophets had written and said about polygamy, why wouldn’t … why shouldn’t Marcee have believed him?


“What the fuck did you Fucks do?!” I yelled outloud in my car driving back home to Jackie.


I knew who was responsible for the whole mess: the fucking authors of the Book of Mormon!


I knew Joseph Smith didn’t come up with it. But I knew who did. These same Fucks had found and approached me to help them write the second part of the very fucking thing that … at least in my mind at the time … was responsible for Grandma Marcee being controlled by Batchelor and having an intense desire to follow God and become a polygamist’s wife.


What a fucking mess that the Book of Mormon had created!


Yeah, I knew that the Mormon people didn’t follow the counsel of the book. But why should they? They had modern-day prophets, seers, and revelators who lead them and guide them. To the Mormons, the Book of Mormon is about another, more ancient people, not about them.


Mormons believe that God has only ONE … not two … just ONE mouthpiece upon earth that instructs humanity. What God told ancient people during their day would be quite different than what God would tell people living in a different time period with different things that tempt man to do bad things.


That fucking Book of Mormon is to blame for all this! Or is it?


Here’s what the book says about polygamy:


“And now I make an end of speaking unto you concerning this pride. And were it not that I must speak unto you concerning a grosser crime, my heart would rejoice exceedingly because of you.


“But the word of God burdens me because of your grosser crimes. For behold, thus saith the Lord: This people begin to wax in iniquity; they understand not the scriptures, for they seek to excuse themselves in committing whoredoms, because of the things which were written concerning David, and Solomon his son.


Behold, David and Solomon truly had many wives and concubines, which thing was abominable before me, saith the Lord.


“Wherefore, thus saith the Lord, I have led this people forth out of the land of Jerusalem, by the power of mine arm, that I might raise up unto me a righteous branch from the fruit of the loins of Joseph.


“Wherefore, I the Lord God will not suffer that this people shall do like unto them of old.


“Wherefore, my brethren, hear me, and hearken to the word of the Lord: For there shall not any man among you have save it be one wife; and concubines he shall have none;


For I, the Lord God, delight in the chastity of women. And whoredoms are an abomination before me; thus saith the Lord of Hosts.


Wherefore, this people shall keep my commandments, saith the Lord of Hosts, or cursed be the land for their sakes.


(Jacob 2:22-29.)


If the Fucks who had written the fucking story had left it at that, there would be no way that a person who believes that the Book of Mormon is the word of God could believe and justify that polygamy is anything but an “abomination” and a “whoredome.”


But these brilliant, genius Fucks actually knew what they were doing.


The Book of Mormon is written in such a way that its presentation does not impede the free will of a person to do what the person wants, or to believe what the person wants to believe. So in every instance where the god of the Book of Mormon gives a commandment, this god also provides an alternative choice … kind of following the idea presented in the Garden of Eden story where God tells Adam and Eve that they can’t eat the fruit, but tells them that its their choice and free will to do so.


(Jacob 2 continued …)


“For if I will, saith the Lord of Hosts, raise up seed unto me, I will command my people; otherwise they shall hearken unto these things.”


This one sentence has justified centuries of men justifying having more than one wife. Men take more than one wife because “the Lord of Hosts” needs more “seed” and has “commanded [his] people” through his chosen mouthpieces, God’s Holy Prophets, to raise up seed unto him.


At the time I met Gary Batchelor, there were all kinds of “mouthpieces” on earth, especially of the Mormon faith, claiming that God had chosen them in order to make sure men keep living polygamy and “raise up seed unto me.” Yeah. Really! All fucking kinds!


Gary Batchelor belonged to a group of men who couldn’t quite place their finger on, nor give their soul to any one man among the many claiming to be God’s true prophet. But they had Brigham Young’s and John Taylor’s (Taylor was the guy who become the LDS/Mormon prophet after Brigham Young died) words … thier many, many words … that commanded men that they needed to live the principle of polygamy in order to become gods.


And there it is, Grandkids! This one fucking sentence is the ONLY reason why some of you exist today! Yep. It’s true!


At the time I met Gary Batchelor and Marcee Kay Jaynes, I had lost Brittany and Joshua, and had Brandon, Caleb, and Sariah with Jackie.


Had I not been sitting in Batchelor’s kitchen witnessing one of the grossest “abominations and whoredoms” ever perpetrated against women to control them and take away their personal power and free will, Riley, Ryan, Rachael, and Nathan wouldn’t exist. If one of you is one of their kids, the ONLY reason why you exist today is because of that brief experience I had in Gary Batchelor’s kitchen.


I was completely distraught after losing Brittany and Joshua. I was pissed. It would have only been a short time before I would have ended my marriage with Jackie. I wasn’t in love with Jackie. I wanted Jackie because I needed a good mother for Brittany and Joshua. Although Jackie was an incredible woman and wife, my heart was never hers. My heart belonged to my children Brittany and Joshua … until June 16, 1987.


After my transfiguration, my heart belonged only to me.


My loss of Brittany and Joshua did not lessen my love and devotion for Brandon, Caleb, and Sariah. I loved them dearly and wanted to be their father always. But these three were born after my brain no longer valued the relationships and things of this world like it had when I didn’t know that I was God.


The way I perceived my relationship with Brandon, Caleb, and Sariah was a bit different … not the love of a father, which I have in abundance … which is why I’m the coolest fucking grandpa on earth … but my perception of a mortal father. With this new perception, I had no problem delivering Brandon, Caleb, and Sariah by myself. I didn’t need a doctor. I knew how to do it. And Jackie trusted me completely.


Jackie loved me and trusted me with all of her heart and soul. She was deeply in love with me. She had given up being a normal person to live in a renovated school bus with me and travel all over the country doing whatever it was that I wanted. But I did not share nor reciprocate the love and devotion Jackie had for me at the time. I lived for no one else but me. I had no choice but to live this way after my brain transfiguration. Human reality is all about the individual.


Jackie seemed totally in love with me and comfortable with whatever I chose to do. I knew this about her from the few years we had been together and the way that she was throughout everything that I put her through … well, that others put us through … but because of me and my choices.


If Jackie was so in love with me, and I knew that she still believed in the concepts of Mormonism, would she continue to love me if I became a prophet and a polygamist? Yeah. She would. I knew this about her.


The only other option was for me to leave Jackie and let her find a husband who loved her and wanted to be normal. If I hadn’t loved myself more than Jackie, I would have divorced her and let her go back to her family and the religion (LDS/Mormon) in which she was raised. Had I made this unselfish choice, Jackie’s son, Ryan, Riley and Nathan (Marcee’s sons), and Rachael (Vicky’s daughter) wouldn’t exist.


Selfish or unselfish? Which?


I could have left Jackie and become whomever and done whatever I wanted to do in this world. I was that smart. I had the characteristics and the drive. I could have had about any woman I set my desire on … but why would I want a woman now that I knew what life upon earth was all about? I had one of the best women I could hope for as a wife. Jackie was absolutely incredible.


But I knew that Jackie was her own god, and I was mine. Jackie followed the LDS/Mormon god. I followed my own. No. That’s not entirely true. I didn’t follow any god. I knew I was God!


It was during that car ride home that I knew I wanted to do something to help Marcee and get her away from Batchelor’s control … not just Batchelor’s control, but from the spiritual control that Mormon Fundamentalism had over her.


Although I was mad at the authors of the Book of Mormon, I did understand their reasoning. I had spent enough time with them before I lost Brittany and Joshua to understand why they had conceived of and written the Book of Mormon and what their original intent was. They had explained it perfectly to me.


Their Book of Mormon had failed to do what they expected of it.


As I’ve explained above, the men who believe in the Book of Mormon completely disregard all of the verses about polygamy being a “whoredom” and “abomination” and focus on JUST ONE FUCKING VERSE TO JUSTIFY THEIR DESIRE TO STICK THEIR DICK IN MORE WOMEN THAN THEIR BORING WIFE!


That’s how most Mormons are. They focus on one verse and completely ignore the rest of the story.


Here’s an incredible example of this irony and truth:


During an LDS General Conference, one of the LDS/Mormon prophets, seers, and revelators, told the people how special they were because,


“Behold, the Lord hath shown unto me great and marvelous things concerning that which must shortly come, at that day when these things shall come forth among you. Behold, I speak unto you as if ye were present, and yet ye are not. But behold, Jesus Christ hath shown you unto me, and I know your doing.” (Mormon 8:34:-35.)


This deceptive Fuck touted how important and special the modern-day Mormons were to God, but ended the verses, that emotionally shook him up as he pretended to be humble, without going on to read the “rest of the story” that told about the Mormon people he was addressing and what their “doing” actually was.


Grandkids, you got to see this!


Go to your computer and watch this video.


Here’s a link for you.


This modern LDS/Mormon leader is deceiving the shit out of his flock! He only takes from the Book of Mormon what he wants. When the storyline presents the ancient native American prophet, Moroni, (as the story goes) telling the people WHO ARE READING HIS FUCKING WORDS, that Jesus showed these LDS/Mormons of the future to him, Moroni goes on to say how fucking wicked the LDS/Mormons are in the latter times! Yeah. Really!


There own ancient “mouthpiece of God,” Moroni, goes on to tell the modern LDS/Mormons that they have “polluted the holy church of God.”


“O ye pollutions, ye hypocrites, ye teachers, who sell yourselves for that which will canker, why have ye polluted the holy church of God?”


Their own “word of God” (scripture) tells them that the “church of God,” not the “church of the devil,” or any other church on earth that is corrupt, but the “church of God” is corrupt!


The Book of Mormon is an obsolete resource to the modern LDS/Mormons, contemporary or fundamentalist. They only use the few verses that they want, that justify the “abominations” and “whoredoms” that they do.


The book’s authors knew that it was a possibility that the true intent of their book would fail. That’s exactly why they incorporated an important failsafe into the storyline: the sealed portion, the greater portion … the portion that was so important that humankind could not be saved without it.


But of course, the one liners the Mormons (especially the men) use to justify their “abominations” and “whoredoms” overshadow THE FUCKING REST OF THE STORY …. Uuuuuuuuuugh. These people! But anyways …


I was mad at the authors of the Book of Mormon while I was driving home that day … then I had an idea … it kind of popped into my head … from God.


Obviously I didn’t need the Book of Mormon, nor did I need to be involved in the sealed portion of the book, to help Marcee. All I needed to do was to be smarter than Batchelor … which of course, I knew that I was.


All I needed to do was to do to Batchelor what Brigham Young had done to him: deceive and manipulate the shit out of him with the scriptures and the other religious bullshit in which he believed.


Once I had Batchelor under my control and spell, he would convince Marcee that I was special. Once Marcee thought I was special, I had no doubt that she would choose me as her special plural husband.


I would later meet some of my competition for Marcee’s hand … some of the polygamist men wanting Marcee to choose them. Oh my! There wasn’t much competition there. But in spite of any physical attraction, I would have never won Marcee’s heart until I had first won Batchelor’s.


Brigham Young had deceived the shit out of Batchelor, and he was dead! If a dead man could deceive people, then what could a man who is alive do to deceive people, if the alive man used the same principles and techniques by which people are deceived: religious belief? Even Brigham Young had been deceived.


And I had actually met the guys who had deceived them all: the authors of the Book of Mormon.


Did they do a good thing when they introduced the Book of Mormon to the world? It was supposed to be a good thing. But it has only led to more bullshit and heartache for people … Well, except for the Mormon men who are convinced that they are the only ones on earth who have the Holy Priesthood, which is the right and authority to act in God’s name and put their dicks into more women than just one.


WTF? Act in God’s name? I knew everyone was acting God’s name. I knew that whatever we did, we were doing what the true God was telling us to do … what our brain wanted us to do.


So it came to pass … Grandpa likes this type of a segue … that I as I thought about devising a plan to get Marcee away from Batchelor, I wasn’t convinced that this was what I really wanted to do.


I wasn’t completely convinced until Jackie and I met Batchelor’s first wife, Vicky Prunty, and her five children. Like Marcee, I too fell in love with Vicky’s kids. They were special.


Jackie and I were invited over to Gary and Vicky’s house (the two plural wives lived in separate houses) to meet Vicky and her kids. In Vicky’s kitchen, there was a note posted that said something about her having her own opinion “as long as it agrees with mine.” The “mine” would be … of course … Batchelor’s.


Vicky was special. She was kind, but strong willed. It was quite obvious that she was having problems with the polygamy thing.


But it wasn’t until Marcee joined us and I saw how she interacted with Vicky’s children that I knew I had to do something. Vicky’s kids loved Marcee. Marcee loved them. Marcee was a very special human being. I knew this from the moment that I met her a few days previous in that kitchen.


There are so many details about what happened next. I could write an entire book just on what I did to get Marcee away from the control and deception of Batchelor. And well is it said, “the devil is in the details.”


Grandkids, I’m pretty sure that you’ve been taught all kinds of things about God. I’m pretty sure that you’ve heard a lot about me, if you’ve ever wondered and researched. I’m pretty sure that your parents have said things about me to you.


But let me tell you something about whatever it is that you have heard about me:


None of you parents (my children) knew me. No man knows my history.


“You don’t know me; you never knew my heart. No man knows my history. I cannot tell it: I shall never undertake it. I don’t blame anyone for not believing my history. If I had not experienced what I have, I would not have believed it myself. I never did harm any man since I was born in the world. My voice is always for peace.” –Joseph Smith


I can repeat these words and mean it … except for the part that “I shall never undertake it” … this autobiography is this undertaking.


But the most important thing that Grandpa wants you to know about me is that I never intended to harm anyone “since I was born in the world.” It was never my intent to harm your grandmothers, Jackie, Marcee, or Vicky. It was always my intent to help them and make their life better …at least from my perspective of things.


But who’s to say that their lives wouldn’t have been happy and fulfilled had I left them alone and they continued to live the Mormon Fundamentalist lifestyle? Who’s to say that they wouldn’t have figured things out on their own had I not intervened and been involved?


Grandpa asked you a question at the beginning of this chapter:


“What would you do if you were God?”


Some say Grandpa is a narcissistic sociopath. Some say that I have a God complex. I would have to argue the “sociopath” part, because such a person with this type of personality disorder manifests antisocial attitudes and behavior and a lack of conscience.


If you came to know your Grandpa, you’d find that I am one of the coolest dudes … coolest Grandpas … you could ever know. When I am in social situations, those who experience this part of me find me to be one of the nicest people they have ever met. So, I don’t have much problem being social. In fact, Batchelor used to call me, Chriarisma … a play on Chris and charisma.


And I hope you are beginning to see that I have a conscience and know what is right and wrong. If I didn’t have a consciousness, then what Batchelor was doing to Marcee and Vicky wouldn’t have bothered me.


Shit! This supposed narcissistic sociopath could have had all kinds of sister wives, as many as I wanted, as long as I wanted.


It was my conscience that got me involved with Marcee and Vicky, and it was the same conscience that sat them down after just a few months of being both of their “plural husband” and tell them that polygamy wasn’t real, Mormonism wasn’t real, and that Joseph Smith and the Book of Mormon weren’t real.


Yep! That’s exactly what I did … because I had a conscience.


But I do have a God complex. And I hope someday that you have one too.


With a God complex, you will never be deceived by another person. You will never be controlled by another person. You will be who you have always been, the most important and valuable compendium of matter in the universe: a human god.


You will have “an unshakable belief characterized by consistently inflated feelings of personal ability, privilege, or infallibility.” You will “refuse to admit the possibility of error or failure, even in the face of complex or intractable problems or difficult or impossible tasks, or may regard personal opinions as unquestionably correct.” You may even “disregard the rules of society and require special consideration or privileges.”


Yep, that pretty much sums up Ol’ Grandpa in a nutshell.


But how could I not be this way after my brain was fucked with the way that it was? But I did not disregard the rules of society. Society didn’t care if I fucked more than one woman at a time, as long as I wasn’t legally married. I knew that in order to be Marcee’s “spiritual husband,” which I knew would include sex, in order to regard the rules of society, I needed to legally divorce Jackie.


So before any of the polygamy games began, I legally divorced Jackie so that she and I could legally … allow me to put my dick in another woman … Oh, my narcissistic sociopathic, or rather, sociopathetic God! But that’s what I did.


So here’s a brief summary of what God commanded me to do and how it all played out, leaving out much of the “devil in the details”:


I convinced Batchelor that I was special by telling him that I had been chosen to bring The Sealed Portion of the Book of Mormon to the world … which wasn’t exactly a lie.


Batchelor convinced Marcee that I was special.


Marcee asked if she could be part of my family … that’s how those particular Mormon Fundamentalist did it: the woman has to choose and ask to be part of the man’s family.


Once I had Marcee’s heart, I turned her against Batchelor. Once I had her turned against Batchelor, I tried to end the whole thing. I believed that from what I had taught Marcee, she would see what a dick Batchelor was. She didn’t see it. Batchelor turned her on me. Marcee was convinced that I was wrong.


Jackie and I had bought a house in Salt Lake City. It was basically a condemned house that I knew I could remodel. I asked my stepmother, Gloria, if she would co-sign. Gloria did and we got the house. We were not going to have anything else to do with polygamy or Marcee after I had called it off. But Marcee had already moved some of her things into the house we had purchased.


When Marcee came to get her stuff out of our house, she was pissed. We loaded her stuff in her car and I turned to say goodbye to her … for good. Jackie had gone back into the house.


Marcee began to cry … she began to weep, huge tears running down her face. I went to hug her and she pushed me back,


“Why couldn’t you love me?” she wept.


Oh fuck! There went my conscience again.


There in front of me was an innocent woman who I knew would continue to be taken advantage of by the men with whom she chose to associate. My heart broke for her. I grabbed her and held her close to me. Her tears soaked my shirt. I knew then that I could not let Batchelor win her back. I did what I had to to keep her with me. I said what I had to … to Jackie’s chagrin and disappointment.


However, Jackie was a good person, a kind person. She saw Marcee’s hurt. And for whatever reason, her compassion on Marcee caused her heart to open up, and she wanted to help Marcee as much as I did.


We put Marcee’s things back into the house. Marcee said she wanted to tell Batchelor and his wives herself about her decision to be with we, and say goodbye to their children. She left for a couple of hours and came back as the woman who was going to become my second, although “spiritually” not legally, wife.


After she moved in, Marcee and I went off into the woods near Nephi, Utah, and I made up some bullshit spiritual ceremony based on what I knew Mormons did to take a spiritual wife. We left the woods, went to a local motel and consummated the marriage. Once that happened, I knew I had her heart and soul.


I had called it off with Marcee because of my conscience. Whatever love was, I knew that I loved Jackie much more than I could ever love Marcee. Jackie and I had history. A lot of history! Marcee and I had nothing. It wasn’t hard for Marcee to feel the difference.


Shortly after we consummated the marriage in the summer of 1992, I decided that I was going to go to Montana and fight to see Brittany and Joshua. We sold the house to an illegal alien, a good man needing a home, and executed a Quit Claim Deed and a contract. My father was again, an ass, found out about it, paid back the downpayment the guy gave us, who I had no doubt would have faithfully made the agreed upon monthly payments, and took the house over. Yep, my Mormon Bishop father once again did what good Mormon priesthood holders often do, fuck over their own children. But anyways …


We had only one car to make the trip to Montana: Marcee’s Nissan Sentra. That’s right a Nissan Sentra. We packed up the possessions that we wanted to take, loaded Brandon, Caleb, and baby Sariah in Marcee’s Sentra, strapped some of our stuff to the top, and headed for Montana.


Can you imagine it. A Nissan Sentra is a small car. I drove. Jackie was in the front seat holding Sariah and Marcee was in the backseat with Brandon and Caleb.


Now let me be honest here. Jackie and I hadn’t had sex for a few days. And I loved Jackie much more than I did Marcee … as far as the love of man goes. There’s no doubt Marcee could feel the emotional tension. In fact, Marcee had sex with me unlike any sex she had ever had with any man before. She had sex as a teenager, but it wasn’t like what she had with me. Jackie and my sex was great too. But the difference was, I loved Jackie and was serving Marcee. And a woman knows. A woman has that sense.


I took the route to Columbia Falls, Montana that led us back to where I had lost Brittany and Joshua, near Hamilton, Montana, along highway 93. As we traveled along, the sexual tension between Jackie and me got a bit uncomfortable for both of us. I had to do something.


I saw an old large station wagon for sale alongside the road. I stopped and bought it. I put Jackie, Brandon, Caleb, and Sariah in the station wagon and made Marcee follow behind us in her car.


Once alone and away from Marcee, Jackie and I told each other of our love and how much we wanted to pull over and have sex. Yeah … Grandkids, I know … TMI! But it was true.


This selfish nature of mine never took into account what Marcee was feeling. But my conscience told me that I was serving her. She had taken from Jackie … according to my conscience. Jackie was sharing her man with Marcee. Jackie deserved the respect and love.


It was wonderful being alone with Jackie in our new old station wagon. Simply wonderful! I began to wonder how long I could keep up the facade with Marcee.


We didn’t stop again until we reached Kalispell, Montana. We stopped in the middle of the city at a small public park to let the kids play. Marcee was visibly upset. I didn’t like it and told her so. She cried and went and sat in her car while the kids played for a bit.


Being familiar with the area from my time living there, I took us to Foy’s Lake, near Kalispell, to a campground there. Once we were parked, Marcee stayed in her car and cried. I got into the car and didn’t try to console her. I basically told her how it was, that Jackie was the only one making any sacrifice. Marcee wept, got out of the car and wandered off in the woods.


When she was gone, somehow Jackie and I had sex and felt pretty good about Marcee being gone.


The minutes turned to hours and Marcee didn’t return. It became night and it was getting very dark. I was more than concerned. I called the local Sheriff and reported that Marcee had become lost. The Sheriff’s office said that they couldn’t do anything until she had been gone more than 24 hrs.


I was worried. Very worried. Then I got mad. Very mad. Then I saw Marcee appear out of the woods. I did not meet her with love, concern, or an embrace being concerned that she was okay. I took her into her car, shut the door, and told her we were through; that she had to go back to Utah and do whatever she wanted; that Jackie and I wanted no more of her drama.


She wept. She begged. I was relentless. I gave her $500 and sent her on her way.


And that was the end of Marcee … I thought.


Jackie and I spent the next week fighting for our right to visit with Brittany and Joshua. The Ladenburgs were well-known, had lots of money, and a good attorney. We had nothing. We stayed in a tent and protested during the day in front of the courthouse. We lost and returned to Salt Lake City completely dejected and saddened.


When little Brandon knew we were leaving without seeing Brittany and Joshua, he couldn’t have been more sad. He fought back the tears, his lips trembling. I held him close. I held that little god next to my heart. My heart was being ripped so many ways because of this corrupt fucking world.


But I was God. I knew I was God. I knew that the judge’s god was a lot more powerful than mine at the time. I knew that the god of this world and money were more powerful than my god.


I got my ass kicked by people who didn’t even know that they were gods. I got my ass kicked by people who believed in false gods.


These false gods fucking took my kids!


Again, Grandkids,


If you were God, what would you do?

0 comments