I recommend a person not read my story if they are prone to depression. This is as my life was and I am VERY honest telling it. I do not currently think like this nor is it my reality except those few instances I give parallels to MWAW teachings. I consider what I went through to be ultimately positive and a huge reason for who I turned out to be.
I have been foundationalized since my birth to be a specific way. Thinking back, I don't believe it's as much the world's influence as it was my reaction to my environment (the world). As a little child I said to my mother that quite shocked her, "I am not sure if anyone is real but me. I cannot hear their thoughts, but I can hear my own." I accepted at that time that my world was for me and that nothing else mattered. I thought it was a possibility, that is I considered, nobody was real but myself. I remember as a child being confused as I considered this possibility. Almost immediate rejection and a lack of acceptance from my parents, in my ideas I originated with, merely made me lose touch with that beautiful reality, as I grew in age and learned to read, and from my contemporaries attempting to indenture me into economic and intellectual slavery (as I see it after reading the MWAW works).
Before I continue, I want to make the statement that nothing in this world seemed right to me for most of my life. When I met the friend I currently have many years ago, I told him my idea of a perfect society inspired by works from H.G. Wells. He said, so then you are a communist? I was baffled, as I had failed to study various forms of governments. :) Anyway, everything as a religious person was always my fault. Ok, now continuing with my story:
I was.a very shy child. I just was. I didn't question who I was, I just was. As a young child I learned that others were cruel and mean, but I liked my teachers as they didn't treat me that way. Craig, can you talk? Are you retarded? Are you a virgin? Endless mockery. I didn't even know what a virgin was, nobody wanted to explain it to me. Often times I would get in trouble with my parents and neighbors repeating unknown words I heard on the playground. One day I went through my neighborhood calling everyone bastards, repeating the behavior I learned from other school children. I did it because it made me feel empowered, and I learned a quick lesson that being empowered could hurt others. After that I simply continued to be timid and shy. I was about 30 years old when I found out what.a bastard actually was (and fully understood it and it's original tradition).
As I aged my teachers would compliment me on my essays of literature from H.G. Wells, Jules Verne, and Jack London. These were books of choice but pressed upon me by my teachers. My reading level was only a bit average, so I had to wait years just to read Call of the Wild I asked my mother to purchase for me. On it, it had a wolf consuming a sheep with blood. I found out many years later that my father took the book from me finding it inappropriate when cleaning out his drawers around his time of death. It didn't matter, I just ordered it again from a book order at school. :D
As a child I played endless action video games like Pac-Man, Qix, and Space Invaders (a better color version meant for the 8 bit PC) and many others. This was my escape that caused my parents great concern. I'd spend my time checking out Atari BASIC (Beginners All purpose Symbolic Instruction Code, high level programming back then was state of the art) books typing in the programs which my parents encouraged as a learning tool. I'd ride my bike and exercise alot going all over the neighborhood, later often riding my bike without my hands on the bars and even continuing forward momentum without peddling (particularly difficult if you also don't have your hands on the bars). When my arms and legs were the proper length I'd climb the staircase without ever touching the floor. Gravity felt as if it were an illusion as a child. As I grew older I realized my own limitations and learned I was a limited human being and the world considered me unlearned and a child that wasn't properly respected as an adult.
During recess I enjoyed racing my friend Jamie Barker that left me as a friend after elementary school. He found new friends. My friend Jeff across the street also felt totally alienated from me in Junior High and found other friends. Upon reflection after the fact, I was more intelligent than they, and I probably made them feel uncomfortable. And my odd behavior at a younger age didn't make me popular. I didn't even have a real friend again due to shyness, they having all abandoned me, until I was 30 years of age. People always liked me as I got older, but I never felt comfortable socializing. I was very attractive to young women but I was clueless to it and wondered why they acted so weird around me. I didn't know how to respond to that, and they'd always leave after screaming from admiration of me. I had no major interest in doing anything but getting home to play Atari.
As a child I became immediately aware of my sexuality and how shameful it was, as taught by my parents. After finding MWAW I was kind to mother and told her the church is what caused this guilt and poor self esteem, as what she taught me came from their principles. My sexuality was powerful and enjoyable for me, but all I ever felt from it was extreme guilt. I continued to feel this way into my 30's when I finally started attacking those foundationalized religious beliefs in my own mind. I avoided church like the plague after about age 10-11, when I found out how fun it was to skip church after getting the chicken pox, unable to attend school or church for along time (I remember it was in the 5th grade being self conscious of my scabbed over scars that quickly faded). I was never comfortable there anyway. Despite that, I believed what my parents told me, and I felt the church was true until after age 40, mostly due to a lack of experience and having read the BoM 5 times at age 20.
As a teen I had very poor self esteem expecting and receiving mockery from others. I had a positive outlook of school and enjoying it to get myself through those early years, but I began to fail miserably in high school because I had no drive or motivation to have success or to have a life others said would be so good for me. My self esteem was so poor, and my indoctrination so great, I believed God would punish me horribly for my sins and that I would go to hell or a lower kingdom and would be in hell for thousands of years minimum. I used to fear thinking about it, unable to repent knowing I would offend God, feeling a real filth for my sins as real to me as the unknown/unseen God I believed in.
As a little child I would often read the Book of Mormon with my mother, my father lacking sophistication as a parent and suffering from depression, and we'd read in particular 1st and 2nd Nephi again and again sometimes getting later into the book. I'd not read it again until age 20 and never did through my entire childhood as personal study.
I was ABSOLUTELY positive I'd die by age 20 so I saw no purpose in doing my homework or trying to conform to society. I figured I must have AIDS. Gays had AIDS so I must have it, as I'd touched myself many times. I was ultimately very depressed. EDIT: Upon further reflection I had a fair concept of sex and felt I'd had sex from self manipulation (SMILES) and therefore God would punish me.
I always said my prayers, but I didn't truly benefit from it until I became more sincere and desperate in adulthood to find some kind of happiness. At age 20 I got a job at McDonald's, I was ultimately fired as a burger flipper because my hours had always been sporadic and I couldn't make it in time. I bought a 2600 dollar 486 with the money I earned from that job. I kept it into my late 20's and continued to play video games, Heroes of Might and Magic (turn based strategy light with tactical combat), X-Wing, TIE Fighter (space combat simulations based on the Star Wars universe), and then later when I had a Windows system I'd play Diablo, Diablo 2, and even some Darkstone (Diablo clone in 3D). That continues to be my favorite gaming genre. In the early 3D acceleration days (mid to late 90's) I also loved arcade racing titles being very aware of the amazing technology, new at the time, in the PC market.
At age 20 I had totally lost purpose in my life and felt like nothing. I could barely stand to go to work any longer, originally being happy I was earning money. My PC brought me reward for my work but in itself did not bring me happiness, it was just an escape.
I turned to the Book of Mormon, I was strangely pulled to the book. After reading it 5 times I regained a personal strength and purpose. I wanted to serve God, but somehow church activity never stuck. My image of the LDS church continued to be largely based upon the BoM for many years, and I also read D&C 3 times. I never picked up the scriptures again until my mid to late 30's, but I remembered the lessons well and it made me rather intelligent in knowing the motives and reason people acted as they did. During that time in my life I considered the BoM as very wise and a guide into the human ego (human psychology and why people do things they do).
The ultimate failure of my life in early years was due to being unconvinced and uncaring of the reality others set for me. I did not understand I was a server and never found happiness. I continued to be a self server and one who was served, which I took for granted and it never brought me joy. I remember being shocked I made it to age 20 so I no longer had an excuse of such immediate depression. Things were beginning to look up for me, but I still struggled with deep shyness, insecurity, and low self esteem. However, I always had a good sense of humor and enjoyed exploring my world and also the digital virtual world of PC gaming.
In my late 20's I finally established a major job record that continued for 11 years, the last 9 years being full time. It continued to drain me as all my energy went into working and fulfilling my obligations to society. I did retail, phone tech support, and briefly in my mid 20's teaching kids in an elementary school how to use Apple computers I knew little about (mother was a school teacher and got me an interview).
Going back to teenage years, I could never control my anger and I would often hit my brothers and sisters. They'd do the same to me. My father, lacking self control and having depression, would sometimes join in. One time mom made him go to a hotel and he repented of his ways and mother let him back into the house. She considered the bishop's counsel to be wise.
At age 18-19 I felt very self conscious about my anger, I did not want to go to jail or become a criminal. I recognized that when I became angry I could not think at all. My brain would literally turn off and I'd be in a berzerker rage. As the strongest child in my family, often all 3 brothers and sisters would attack me simultaneously and then I'd have to use my sizable strength to instead save myself from immediate destruction. :)
I continued to work on my anger and control it. I mastered my greatest weakness and learned how to get along with others better. Since then I've always been known to be a very calm person who never lashes out including during perilous or difficult times. I'd use my never lost sense of humor to help other family members deal better with those difficult trials in life.
One such example is my favorite sister, Emily, getting mental illness (some of you probably saw her rash comments on my page in the past). Losing my once sweet sister to mental illness is the first time I recognized the emotion of love, and what people meant by true friendship. I mourned her loss much like a passing relative, she was never the same after that and continued over the years to change into an entirely different person. She was always odd, but I thought her sweet and fun. I had a good friendship with her in our childhood, and as my older sister, I respected her.
At age 30 or so I met a man I now continue to be friends with. I finally had my chance to have a real friend. He was very kind to me the first time I ever met him. He enjoyed my babble during lunch breaks at work. :) I once asked him why he took to me. His answer? He was bored and things I said were interesting.
I remember being on a classic horror movie kick watching Dracula with Bela Lugosi and Frankenstein (I think that was Karloff). I'd talk to him about this subject on my lunch break, I was a DVD collector of sorts back then to motivate myself to continue working. My favorite composer at age 20 was Philip Glass, who wrote the first ever modern sound track for the film Dracula, motivating me further to buy the DVD and watch them. :) My music love at the time was purely classical, started with Mozart and Beethoven, moved to Bach, Vivaldi, and Handel (he wrote The Messiah), and then onward to modern and then contemporary music. As a sheltered LDS boy, I never got into devil music like Metallica, which is where the phrase above came from "nothing else matters" when describing myself and my own awareness as a little child.
My new found friend was not a conventional thinker. He once stated he couldn't get Mensa membership because he was terrible at math! :D LOL! But the guy seemed to know everything. After I'd known him a few years he told me he'd once read the entire Encyclopedia Britannica! That's not an easy read, if any of you are aware encyclopedia's like World Book are somewhat dumb-ed down in comparison.
We'd talk about history and his views on it were also unique. One of the first things he taught me, which he later regretted as I put it back onto him many years later, "Don't put your own values on someone else." He was a born Catholic and did not value it anymore than my belief in the LDS church. I continued to be open to his unique ideas. He has always been a very good friend and has an AMAZING sense of humor. He reminds me of Chris more than any other person I've ever met. He's DEFINITELY a server type. I can't get more into his uniqueness, as a friend I protect him from public scrutiny. ;)
My brother was also quite unique, he himself no longer believes in the church because I taught him MWAW as a way of learning it myself. His friendship was critical as well as my friend, who greatly valued me, when I no longer believed in Christianity or religion in general. I no longer consider myself religious, and I haven't been for years now.
My brother had a rather unique take on reality, like my friend, that others would mock if they heard it. So at that point I had TWO different people in my life, who appeared to be servers, and who had unconventional thinking. My brother being LDS, like myself, was more limited than my friend in that regard, but he made up for it in an absolutely insane version of reality. He currently lives in the eastern United States with a wife and children (I forget how many, LOL).
Stay tuned for part 2, I'm tired! LAUGHTER. This is where all of it will tie into MWAW. :)
Here's a song for your enjoyment after a long read :)
Note after writing: I lied, there will be a part 3.
After part one I want to make this clear. I like who I am. I enjoy thinking and laughing and experiencing life. And so, because I enjoy who I am, I can see and accept others like me at face value. When someone likes me, I usually like them or at least try to. I still don't expect anyone to like me, but they do, and it's one of the joys in life. That's pretty simple isn't it? Or so you would think! :D
Lets reverse time and see how this plays out earlier in life.....
As a young child I had no real concept of anything I said above, I took everything for granted and was simply happy (if you could call it that) as a shy and loved child. I had a sister I'd play with as we got older and started intermingling. I had another sister who scratched me and so I didn't want to ever play with her after that, I was quite young and I was physically and emotionally traumatized by it (it drew blood a bit). Unfortunately I'd use that early incident to make her feel bad as we grew up together, I made poor and selfish decisions concerning myself as my ego began to exhibit itself. This became further emphasized when she suffered from depression as a teenager and threw a fork at me. It mostly missed but the SMALL part of my hand it hit, it tore right through it. Again, I was traumatized and frightened of my sister. She became desperately guilty and crying because she'd almost killed her brother. She had a rough teenage life, but so did I. I don't think she had the same shyness I did, but my older sister had it as well.
I didn't really understand I was shy or there was something wrong with me until everyone told me I was shy. So initially, I was fine just as I was. Because I knew my sisters, and later my brother, there was no need to be awkward in family life either.
Thinking about early family life made me realize I had two personalities. The care free, feeling safe self, and the shy outside self. The world was new to me, and I was insecure away from my family. As a result, it didn't bother me that I hit my sisters and brother and even my father (not mom). As a little child I never hit another person, I saved that for my loved brothers and sisters (sad but true, LAUGHTER).
There was an exception to this rule. As you know from part one, anger and rage and fear could have a great deal of control over me. One day walking home from elementary school next to a Jr High a kid jumped on my back. For some reason I assumed he was fighting me. I jumped on him and beat the living snot out of him (descriptive huh?). A Jr High student saw and they were like, WOW! Then he said, "Ah, your going to cry now aren't you?" That made me feel bad and I started crying realizing what I'd done was incredibly foolish and worried how badly I hurt the child. I looked at him and said, "Of course I'm crying! I shouldn't have hurt him!"
Well, close enough, it was along time ago. I merely remember his surprise when I responded. Maybe he thought I'd go rage berserker on him too? ;) I'm so glad I learned to control my anger and losing cognitive ability, in tough situations, early in life! I've heard that's a perk of having brothers and sisters, personally I don't see how that's worth it; there are still two broken doors in my parents house never fully repaired used to stop three angry siblings from literally killing me (or so I thought). I'd hold the door shut until they forgot to be angry any longer and then I'd come out again.
Most of my life I have been controlled by fear as I've stated in part 1. When I was gaming that fear would leave me. Boy did I love games! From board games like Sorry, Monopoly, checkers, and later chess, to PC games. When I would play a game, at least in more immersive games like Diablo that took place in real time (did turn based RPG's on my 486 when there was nothing better), I would take upon the role of my avatar. I loved progressing in the game and killing stronger monsters. This love of progress seldom translated into motivation in the real world.
In part one I stated gaming never brought happiness. That is incorrect, but I was aware (later at least) that I could probably be happier doing something else. Gaming brought a great deal of happiness for me. Earlier in life gaming brought me ultimate satisfaction until I realized what I was missing out on, which parents and others continually reminded me of so I'd feel I had fallen short somehow, or that I was simply still just a child and had not yet grown up. That caused me a great deal of guilt yet again....
As I got older the true addiction to gaming took second place to a more fulfilling life of people, but that was along time in the making. One of my favorite things is talking to people anywhere in the world, on occasion in person, and enjoying their company, cooperating with them in tasks, and learning from one another. I particularly enjoy serving others upon request in these friendships. I have shared MWAW (Marvelous Work and a Wonder) a great deal with like minded friends over the last 5 years. It has been all I cared about. Often I don't game for a week or even for several months, and when I do I am seldom passionate about it anymore. It's just there for something to do, but I can still really get into it, depending on the virtual world it creates.
Most of the last 10 years I've defined myself as someone who helps others regardless of the cost (emotion or time, not money) and I've greatly valued bringing value to others through my friendship and love as well as my access to truth (be it MWAW or my religious convictions before that). I always enjoyed using the truth to help others realize their own potential, to grow, and to heal. In return, I built confidence in myself in a way I'd never had before. My life actually felt fulfilling outside of a video game (the exception being when I was with loved ones or my good friend outside of helping others, my friend was independent and never needed my help besides driving him places).
At the end of my employment doing tech support, I became chemically addicted to Spirulina I used to sleep. I only took 2,000 milligrams and according to the bottle you could take up to 10 a day (10,000 milligrams). It was a food supplement that adds a sleep chemical to your brain, many senior citizens use it for that but I needed it early in life. When I started body building the addiction crept up on me without knowing it. The reason for this is, if I had stopped taking it, I would have realized the body building created in me the ability to sleep soundly with no supplements; but instead it became excessive in my body and an overdose. I was fired from my job and it took awhile for me to admit my addiction. I was in the best shape of my life (I worked really hard on body building for 4 months and had constant pain from rebuilding muscle) and sleeping 12 hours a day due to the constant overdose. When I realized there was a real problem, some time after losing my job, I tried to stop taking the Spirulina. It was difficult to tell what was causing this or that there was a problem, as I'd always had strange sleeping patterns.
I immediately had a searing pain in my head I'd never experienced before. I ran to my bottle and popped two pills unable to bear the pain. It was so addictive for me that the headache quickly went away and I realized I was high. I had been for some time, but this was my first realization/awakening to my actual situation. A woman previously at work thought I'd been taking drugs (I had a crush on her, she was so sweet to me), as she could see it in my eyes. Naturally I had no idea what she was talking about.
It took an entire 6 months of being very sick, slowly weaning myself off of this stuff to recover. I'd try to cut back and my body would complain a great deal from it. I used a pill cutter, as I could only reduce the usage a small amount each time the dosage was lowered, and then I'd have to wait for my body to go through withdrawals all over again. As a result, I relate very well to the Deep Space 9 episodes where a Cardassian takes brain stimulants to not be depressed as an exile from his own home world. He pretended to always be happy as a tailor and then one day completely collapsed.
During this time I was sick, I distracted myself by attempting to learn how to use free photo software and remade the graphics for Wolfenstein 3D and later Doom. I had an online friend from Bulgaria who called himself Onyx who had made one of the most ambitious Diablo 2 mods ever (a total conversion essentially making the game an entirely different one through various hacking tools and the help of a healthy community). He'd help me with the graphics and the overall goals and style. For along time I attempted, and with success, to remaster old SD videos into HD as well. I did nerdy things a lot in my spare time, and not just gaming. My goal at age 20, when I bought my 486, was to become a programmer, and I never did! I just played games instead.
When I was close to finishing this unreleased product, my life began to change a great deal. I was unemployed and for the first time in quite some time, I had the energy to think and be myself again. I've had two heart surgeries, one at age 3, probably in CA by an Air Force heart surgeon, and one at age 17 from scar tissue buildup. I've not had sufficient energy levels for along time and have lately been eating better with less meat then before and it's made a difference, but I'm also much older now (and exercise daily through walking mostly, and some running when my limited energy allows). Anyway, with a job I simply could not self reflect as ALL my energy went to earning money. The rest of the time I'd be gaming or reading books (back when I still did that (fiction)) to recover emotionally and physically for another long work day.
Next up, my first relationship where I befriend someone deeply hurt and I find value outside of gaming......
Taking another break......
I talked about 3 various addictions in part 1 and 2 :
1. Sexual addiction (against my free will).
2. PC gaming addiction.
3. Chemical addiction (totally accidental).
Now I'm going to add a 4th and 5th addiction
4. Love addiction.
5. Spiritual dependence.
I want to talk a bit about the first addiction as I wasn't totally honest with full disclosure (so warning). For a very limited time I was addicted to pornography in my early 30's. The internet was new and web browsers just barely started supporting over 256 colors (1 million to be exact).
These days colors are much higher because you need many millions, if not billions of shades, to get certain high resolution special effects to be pulled off properly. Currently, on my new IPS color accurate display, it's what people these days call 8 bit (the original term meant 256 colors) for a total of 16 million colors. I spent 450 dollars on this monitor, it's on the lower end of what they can currently do. The exception and reason for it's pricing is screen resolution (1440p is imperceptible from 4k if you are at least 1 foot away from it on this 27" screen, yes 4K is a gimmick unless you game on a TV set much larger and then 8k comes into play). In addition the color accuracy of 99% RGB comes at a price (I did art on this thing). And lastly the monitor is 144hz, and while it is true the human eye cannot see more than 30 FPS (frames per second) even a 60 hz display, due to lag and low response, has very choppy animation when you rotate quickly in a PC game (currently new products go up to 360hz). Not to mention the fact that screen tearing has also only been recently fixed. For tearing it is also capable of being Gsync compatible (actually freesync, but Nvidia wanted to keep control of their tech so they allowed monitors with AMD technology to use Gsync since their technology costs far greater than Freesync and wasn't very attractive to customers buying a new monitor).
Pornography was the new addiction all across America. The point of all that above is that pornography is despised by many, but they were actually an industry leader in technology. They are the ones that determined VHS would be a thing over the much superior in resolution Beta tapes. One might even go so far as to say they are still an industry leader in many ways. They are a business, and their goal is to make profit. Hollywood and even tech companies also use sex to sell their products. I see none of these businesses any different than any other currently.
Pornography addiction was relatively easy to defeat as an addiction, for me, compared to chemical dependency or gaming addiction. That may not be the case for others, but to me pornography is the least evil thing I've ever done. It never controlled my life, except during that short period, and it never hurt any relationship I was in either, nor did it damage my image of women who I greatly admire.
So for me, my most evil addiction in life, and by far the most consuming, was my gaming addiction. It countered what I know the purpose of my life is, to experience life with others. That's my own perspective, but it supports what I've read from MWAW and the purpose of my telling this story to begin with (this statement is personal opinion from my own viewpoint to work against my early shyness, for others being alone might be very difficult). I traditionally play games alone, otherwise I may have used it in other productive ways. So FOR ME, it was one of the more incorrect habits/addictions I've ever had. I knew to increase my potential and share who I am with others for maximum benefit, to those I meet and myself, that I needed to learn to reach out to others more consistently.
I've ALWAYS absolutely loved technology and had an endless fascination with it. Recently I've even watched various hardware/software reviews and innovation videos over the last few years and renewed this passion I had previously throughout my life (for example, I build my own PC's and select and research each part). I am merely an armchair layman observer, but I probably know far more about it than an average viewer. Alot of that has to do with how much money I have, I needed to ensure I bought the proper products to pursue my own happiness like making game art. However, even that is totally secondary in my happiness, just like gaming and pornography are completely fleeting long term and mean nothing. At least, for me.
I game to have fun, if I see something pornographic it's fun. Chemical addiction was not fun overall, but I did enjoy the high. :)
I do not personally see, at this time, where I went wrong with any of these things. When I experienced them, they created a great deal of value and enjoyment for me. And ultimately, addiction to ANY of these things wasn't as bad as number FOUR. LOVE ADDICTION!
My ex fiance had been greatly hurt just after I first met her online. I met her in Battlestar Galactica Online, that a few months ago, permanently went down as a service (my real life friend introduced it to me, we were both Battlestar fans). I greatly dislike MMO's (massive multiplayer online games created to be played endlessly with no real goal for completion) but made an exception in this game to try something new. I just felt there was something out there to experience beyond what I had, and I simply felt open to it. I never played World of Warcraft because it's monthly fee is deeply oppressive. Battlestar was free, and it showed. :D
So once I found my ex fiance for the first time and we TRULY got to know one another, she soon told me she'd been sexually assaulted by a friend just a month or two earlier. This very person she mentioned I knew, and had greatly liked in the game, and had positively interacted with him at the time this terrible crime occurred. Essentially the judge created a restraining order for both of them requesting they all stay away from one another. He initially attempted to take her to court and then totally botched it up, which left her free to live her life somewhat undamaged. Because of this she had PTSD, and there were some terrible times where she tried to face it and heal properly.
I followed my natural instincts as a man to help her and we fell immediately in love. I was no longer a person, my heart was mixed with hers. I'm completely for long term relationships if they work, but this is my experience and what happened for me. It may not be what you have experienced, and I am happy if you found a special partner you still enjoy.
My connection with this woman could not be explained. Sure, there was a sexual attraction, but the connection itself was unfathomable by either of us. Our relationship had sexual overtones, but it was not sexual. It was a relationship based upon being practical and helping one another solve problems and give one another what the rest of our lives lacked. In that sense, it was fully functional and real (but our bodies still told us it was sexual and because of our powerful connection with one another we couldn't control it).
We read the Book of Mormon together and pondered and prayed together. The strongest part of our relationship was personal growth and supporting one another. There were various things we called at the time, miracles, which none of us could explain upon our meeting. We were very excited to meet one another.
In that time I became active in the church and repented for all of my sins. Now a days I'd call it a "Born Again" experience. I gave myself to God and I felt renewed/baptized in a way I hadn't experience since age 8 at my real baptism, but this was a much more real and hugely profound change. I felt very close to God, I felt guided by God, and I knew better than I'd ever known what I needed for happiness. I felt, at the time, that happiness was with her. That was a big mistake. Don't get me wrong, we are friends still today and I'd love it if she were to come visit me and we could "bond" in whatever way we wish, as friends or as partners. I still greatly appreciate her as a human being and her personal uniqueness. My mistake at the time, which even she recognized, was that I placed my relationship with her above my own center and purpose. She called it God, I'd call it now my Eternal Self (insert any other word or phrase you like here).
While I fully believed in the church, because I'd believed it all my life, there were a great deal of inconsistencies with what I experienced and how they told me life should play out. I made a very POOR Mormon/Latter Day Saint in The Church of Jesus Christ. Why? Because I listened to God first. For me going to church was fulfilling what I thought God wanted. And my partner was religious, so I felt it would increase my bond with her.
She began talking to the missionaries, and in a rather bold move not having done these kinds of things in my life before, I went directly to CA and baptized her and blessed her as a member of the church. I had only just become an elder myself months before and that was my first blessing, so it seemed "God" was in all of it, things were going beautifully well! We spent a few days together and at the time I considered it the absolute culmination of my life. But don't worry LDS readers, we were totally responsible with absolute respect for one another. :D
Ultimately her "God" started telling her other things that my "God" did not. I allowed her to go visit a friend firmly trusting in her. I knew for her to TRULY be my companion, I must allow her free will. She had to WANT to be with me, and I assumed her own commitment was the same as mine. Within a month of when she started taking these trips, because of my strong connection with her, I knew without any doubt she had cheated on me. Months later she admitted this to me and I almost immediately forgave her, very little anger there. Just as I do not feel guilty at all for the life that I've lived, nor will I feel guilt or shame for what I will become later in life. I am at peace about who I am, and all I want is to support the possibility of peace and equality globally by showing that support for a Marvelous Work and a Wonder (Real Illuminati) and the Humanity Party (THumP).
As our relationship ultimately ended and she pursued her life's happiness, I was miserable. She should know I hold no bad feelings towards her, and any blame I would put on false expectations of love and it's powerful effects far worse than any addiction I'd ever had thus far (I was on the high of my life). I do not currently believe in marriage and any "relationship" unless I still enjoy being with that person as opposed to keeping it together for purposes other than enjoyment and love for that person, however long the relationship lasts.
In my final edit of this section, I want to make a note that a great deal of the purpose of sharing this part of my life was to emphasize I thought love was eternal and that God had shown me we'd be sealed together in the temple. Experiencing this relationship was proof to me that love is taught incorrectly in religion, and it is not what people think it is. We had a rather solid and productive relationship, but just like I found out about the LDS church later, relationships with sexual desire are not what they are advertised to be.
I learned internally during this relationship and shortly after that no man could give me permission to have sex or to seal me, and that only God himself could DIRECTLY do so! I knew marriage itself was not necessary and how you treated that other person and they you, was what really mattered! Even so, as described in a later section, I continued to believe in the church.
I have since found many people I have an equal and sometimes greater bond with who have associated with MWAW. I feel the connection is the same. I feel that same connection with my good real life friend (who I go visit, therefore it's real life, not to say other friendships aren't real), but that doesn't mean I make his life my life as I did with my ex fiance. I live life for myself and my friendships with others are obvious perks and benefits. :) I do so love my friends, but that does not mean I love them more than I love the truth. I favor the truth, that I see through MWAW/THumP more than I do any relationship, though some of my friendships are BASED upon support of that truth! :D
While this experience here on earth is for me, I also want to live a life where I can know I cared for others. As I have done in my personal life, cared for those in need, I believe supporting THumP is the ultimate sacrifice I can make in hopes of a better world.
Next up, Part 4, my addiction of spiritual dependence (not to be confused with Spirulina addiction) and my search for truth (the two tie in together so it should be able to come to a conclusion). This is much longer than I expected.....
My ex fiance was another person in my life with a totally different perspective and version of truth. She taught me a great deal and it was one of her greatest qualities I valued so much about her. She'd share her experiences with me and I'd gain wisdom from the sharing, and we used that time to bond. What I didn't get, could never understand, was how this woman could be Catholic if she already KNEW that their leadership were deeply corrupt?! It turns out one part of her personality was that she saw the good in everyone. It's something I lacked as a church believer who believed the LDS church was the one true church.
To me, as taught since I was a little child, all other religion was an abomination to God. She taught me to be more loving about Catholics and even LDS denominations I believed to be apostate (that one took a few years after we broke up for me to truly realize that one). Whenever I'd talk about another group negatively, she'd react very negatively. She didn't like any kind of prejudice. In later years, like myself, she began to embrace God believers who weren't a part of any single organization and merely used the good principles of religion to be good people as best they could. :) As an LDS, that perspective was evil and irresponsible, despite the fact that I myself had not been in church most of my life....
And this is where I need to share about the church and how I saw it vs. how others saw it. There are many things I will say about the church that most do not agree upon including my above statements. But I can tell you with absolutely no reservation it is the same church all LDS have gone to and the same doctrine. Over the last 40 years, since I was a child and indoctrinated with a more fundamentalist view of the church straight from Bruce R McConkie, the church has dramatically changed into what it is today. However, the scriptures are still the same, and they continue to diverge from current reality of what the church is, further and further.
I have talked to MANY LDS/Mormons since I left the church, more than I ever did in the church, and I can say I not only understand the church today and what it is, but I also understand what it was.
To add in my final edit, I have found that church members (as in any religion) accept what they want to accept about the church and have their own concept and image about it. I do not currently see a fully conformed agreement on various policies and doctrines in the church. When I speak to a Latter Day Saint about what the doctrine is, they always have their own take claiming it's what all other Latter Day Saints believe. Most Latter Day Saints are not fully aware of “becoming gods” or of celestial polygamy among other concepts that came from Brigham Young and have since been homogenized for the masses.
When I went to church I was quickly given callings including Elder's Quorum secretary and teaching (officially a teacher before the Quorum calling). The last 2 years I taught gospel doctrine. Most of those two years I did not believe in the church. It was very stressful trying to give these people truth. Not once did they, despite loving me to death and being very popular and revered among them, did they ever ask me how I knew what I knew. When the next stake or church conference came around, they'd all reset to default and I had to start over again. The church has total control of their minds and hearts, and most of them do this willingly, giving their free will to God. In the church there is no free will (they call it free agency which is actually short for freedom of choice), there is only moral agency, as nothing is free.
When teaching I brought out the subject of the Sealed Portion and pointed it out to them, I called it the “sealed book.” They didn't ask, and I saw a few deeply frowning people in the audience. I began to point out the wickedness of Moroni in the book of Alma and something stopped me. It didn't feel right to say it. The next week I heard a woman bear her testimony about this patriotic Moroni as being righteous to her, and I realized I'd have stepped on this beautiful woman's testimony.
I knew I was a guest in the church, and I taught from my own love for them and their love for me. If I were to break this trust, I'd be asked to leave. If I left, I could no longer have ANY influence upon them. Eventually I lost interest, and began serving people who actually valued my own qualities and actually accepted who I was.
The people who helped me transition from church life, that I love dearly are Lacey Robertson, Tanya McKee Devany, Glenn Lincoln, and Diana Britt Baria who I met on the Christian boards lately. There are many others, but these people I have all talked to for years, and all daily at some point for a minimum of 1 to 2 years each (or several times a week for years). I also befriended this incredible ex Mormon now atheist, Raymond Clark (also from Christian boards but not a MWAW reader, though I've shared with him the 2018 document about the church from MWAW and other things, and I have probably talked to him more than any other person in the last year).
All of these people accepted me for who I am, rather than for what the church could turn me into, which it never did nor could anyway. LDS love is based on how much you are like others in the church, it is not based on what you are now; LDS loved me as I was, but they spent a lot of time trying to make me like them (be the same as they are), and that's deeply hypocritical and dishonest in my eyes, and it lacks sincerity.
I was never good church material, and I never would be. It wasn't them, it was me! I loved and still love all my LDS friends, but they never send me anything except one person in years. And I received one visit from a lovely Hispanic man who also moved. My hand in the church is completely removed. I've not gone to church now for several years.
Remember what I said in part one, it wasn't my environment that foundationalized who I was, it was my reaction to my environment. I am fully aware who I am is dramatically different from who LDS are. But that's OK if I'm accepted by them as a child of God. I accept them as the same.
I saw things with two eyes wide open, the change in my beliefs have not in any way clouded what I knew as a member of the church. It has been enhanced, and what was once difficult for me as a member is now very easy for me to explain. Never once have I doubted or questioned previous revelations, nor have I forgotten them. I remember EVERY SINGLE spiritual prompting and what it meant for me at the time. I do not properly fit the definition of “apostate” that would apply to those spiritually blind, nor have I lost happiness and have, in fact, gained a great deal of peace, happiness, and joy I could never find in the confines of the church, that originally helped me grow but with which I quickly outgrew. I felt joy in the church, and happiness too, but it wasn't nearly as complete as it is now.
I received a temple recommend and received my endowments. When I tried to discuss it with my brother and mother who'd attended the ceremony on the drive home, they deeply chastised me for questioning it. There was some confusion as I felt I would receive my salvation before I received my endowments, so I wondered what the point of the endowment was. And this is coming from someone who greatly revered the church and it's temples, had always wanted to be in the temples but never felt worthy before, and who greatly valued all the church had to offer. Sacred Not Secret: A Guide to Understanding the Temple Endowment helped me understand this, and it comes from the Real Illuminati in association with a Marvelous Work and a Wonder!
This work, MWAW/RI, helped me realize my own unhealthy spiritual dependency upon the teachings of men. I knew from the Book of Mormon that anyone who trusts in the arm of the flesh was cursed. And yet, I had fully supported these apostles and prophets. It deeply hurt my ego when I realized the truth I had learned from the Real Illuminati was not compatible with their teachings.
There are many good things about the community of Latter Day Saints as well as other groups and organizations. They support one another and that is admirable. My only concern in sharing this part of my life is that the church is not what it claims to be, and I have proof through the books by the Real Illuminati. Soon to be revealed (at the time of writing my story) to the world is a book about the Book of Mormon and further proof as to it's writing, it's link to the Sealed Portion, and it's overall purpose of being written by the Real Illuminati in 1820, will be revealed to the world.
My good friend, who I visit in real life and that I mentioned before, could never convince me of the truthfulness or of the lack of truth in the church. In that way my mind was set just as my LDS contemporaries, but I did consider my own knowledge to be equal to the apostles and prophet as evidence from their talks. I'd often watch them with mother and correct them when they were wrong. It didn't bother me their talks didn't match my own revelations, as I was in the church to serve it's members and to serve God. I simply assumed God had a different message for different people. :D
The LDS church taught me this concept from discussing personal revelation, whether they were aware of this or not. I can't help but think, any Latter Day Saint who hides personal revelation and keeps it to themselves as private and sacred, when it is not a message of the apostles, is in themselves apostate. If there are no personal messages unique to each individual, there's no point in receiving personal revelation to begin with. If each member were honest with themselves and disagreed with what is taught because of these revelations, it occurs to me they haven't been honest with their church leaders or properly trusted them. If a person is able to separately receive the same revelations church leaders had already previously accumulated over the centuries from apostles and prophets, then there is no use in organized religion whatsoever.
When I found the Sealed Portion it totally convinced me through the kind words of the Ida Smith video so dominant on YouTube at the time. Feel free to watch a full interview version without any addons as it previously had on my Facebook page (at least it's currently there). I also used the video to buy a book that had all the Joseph Smith translations not mentioned by the church kept through the centuries by the Reorganized Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (Community of Christ). I was astonished my church had not incorporated these translations as a main belief since “as far as it is translated properly” was in their Articles of Faith.
Lynnette Cook did a MWAW video with Tony Saiki at the time I was reading it, and they motivated me to finish the Sealed Portion. She was obviously a happy person for having read the information, and so I continued to read it. The message was getting me a bit down, but I've never been negative about it since! I was simply disappointed in my former leaders and I was no longer indoctrinated and was seeking proper balance. I found that quickly through a Marvelous Work and a Wonder! It took a lot of work and years of balancing long term, but I've arrived at that level for several years now and I no longer doubt, nor am I confused about ANYTHING! They've explained things to me that even the church was unable to explain, and answers to questions they were never intelligent enough to ask (nor could any Bible believing Christian be intelligent enough to ask).
My search for truth began long before I found MWAW. It began before I became active in the church in my late 30's for the first time in adulthood. The internet again became a major contributor in my life, but this time it had little to do with naked and inappropriate actions made by women online!
Most of my time was spent, months at a time doing NOTHING ELSE, searching online for truth. I'd watch endless YouTube videos. For me that website was great. I never watched mainstream news. I preferred hearing it from those who didn't wear suits and weren't paid by massive corporations to make a profit and had a political agenda. I didn't trust them. What I did trust were ordinary people. I'd watch Christian channels since I was a Christian, and I saw their unique take on the world. I'd also watch fiction as a way to find and consider truths I'd not considered before. The conclusions I came to of my own reality were highly compatible with the Sealed Portion when I read it. It was as if the authors of these books had literally read my mind and knew what was in it. I am no longer a religious person, but to this day I am astonished at the accuracy of the Sealed Portion and it's incredible truths that were revealed to me through religious allegory.
I watched all kinds of subjects. I watched about Enoch, a book in current Apocrypha but is still accepted in Ethiopia as a standard work for Bible believing Christians. I watched about the ancient Nephalem (in King James the word is “giants”, Nephalem is a Greek word) as talked about in Enoch and Genesis. I watched about ghosts and other supernatural phenomena. I watched about aliens and hidden government technology used for the purpose of controlling the world's populations. I watched about overall religious indoctrination.
The amazing thing about my search is I didn't believe most of what I saw or heard. I was a very practical person. I believed conspiracy to some extent, but on a more practical level. I didn't believe aliens to be devils (eventually) as many Christians do. I saw them as people exiled from other human beings and that others wanted to hurt them from being deeply prejudice toward these little men. I soon learned to feel a love for all beings regardless of appearance, particularly for those who appeared alien in videos I saw online. I saw them as GOOD!
I didn't see gays as evil, though the Sealed Portion helped me further as it was difficult for me to understand and accept when I was always going to church later in life and they'd try to show me otherwise. I never believed aliens had taken over, but was fully aware government did as advertised, they controlled us as they should and various organizations under them helped from these top secret projects. It would make me cringe watching these videos as they always claimed the “aliens did it!” I'd answer, you mean we and other human beings did it right? So all this knowledge I acquired before finding MWAW fit with it perfectly.
I knew without any doubt humanity once could go to the moon in previous time periods and that we had lost that ability. I knew there was evidence of past technology and civilizations on the Moon and Mars and other planets of our solar system, confirmed on these scientific programs (TV shows and documentaries) often rejected by mainstream scientists and PhD's, only to be confirmed and shown to be the truth through the Real Illuminati. I knew that science was also not accurate and it's own religion. I knew that aliens were not real and that only human beings exist, which MWAW confirmed for me. These were exciting times studying MWAW and learning more and seeing it slowly be revealed. I remember writing to people how excited I was that they were FINALLY revealing more on subjects I'd previously research and confirmed for me! A big one was about the moon, but you'll have to read their writings to find out for yourself!
If you are wondering what videos you could watch that would confirm what the Real Illuminati have posted about these subjects, there aren't any. Youtube removed them as false information. :) Nuclear detonations on the Moon look cool! :O
For me a Marvelous Work and a Wonder was never about controlling my mind or indoctrinating me. It helped me enhance my understanding of things as they really are and as they really have been, and as they really will be in our futures. I've enjoyed their message for half a decade now, and they have helped my mind accept logic and reason and understand my own human desires and weaknesses and how to overcome them. No fear in perfect love, for in fear there is torment (from the works of John in the Bible)! No pain and longing for truth I did not have. No guilt for my life that's as normal as any other human being.
I learned that love is part of my human nature and can also be focused for the good. A Marvelous Work and a Wonder helped me fully heal from my former love interest in a way no religious work ever could.
I valued greatly my search for truth, but none of it matters compared to this MARVELOUS work and what the Humanity Party can offer to this world. Take all the thanks from my dearest friends I helped through troubling times and amplify that a billion times, and that's how many human beings on are this earth, and you'll finally understand my love for the Marvelous Work and a Wonder and the Humanity Party. No matter how much good I do and how wonderful of a person I could be, I know for a fact that it would never change the world as they can.
To quote the devil (actually Metallica, a song which inspired me continually to write my personal story):
Forever trust in who you are,
No, NOTHING else matters!
Indeed, nothing else matters to me but a Marvelous Work and a Wonder, the work that taught me to trust in who I am when none else would.
801-244-6356 (text first)