Raised as Lutheran, though influenced by Catholicism on my dad's side, I was instilled from as far back as I can remember with the tradition of Christianity. As a child I remember my maternal grandmother teaching me to place my hands on the radio along with her while we listened to Billy Graham pray. I started questioning what Lutheran's believed when I turned 13 and began a class to prepare me for my first communion. What I had studied on my own out of the Bible surprisingly did not agree with what my Pastor was teaching....especially on two major points: Original Sin and the Holy Trinity. This discovery started a several year search for a church that taught what I believed the Bible taught about those subjects. In 1974 I investigated the LDS Church, and read the Book of Mormon from cover to cover. According to my
understanding concerning prayer at that time, I fasted and prayed about the truthfulness of the BoM. I received a powerful response which convinced me that this book was true. It wasn't until decades later that I realized my True Self was telling me that the BoM was an approved guide for me to use on my journey to discovering the Real Truth. IOW, the BoM was not the Real Truth---but the book served the purpose my True Self wanted for me.
In 2008 (if my memory is right) my husband, Frank, introduced me to religious Apologetics while we were dating. I loved it! I happily and energetically defended the LDS religion against Orthodox Christians who believed the LDS Church was a product of Satan. I began an intense research of the history and teachings of not only the LDS Church, but also of Orthodox Christianity and its myriad of denominations. Things that I had been taught by others wasn't
sitting right with my own personal studies--both about Orthodox Christianity, as well as the LDS Church. I started to give up what I had been taught and believed which at first brought me into
my "spiritual/mystical" phase of my journey. Later, my searching caused me to also give up my belief in a spiritual/mystical world.
It was not easy giving up the things I had been taught and which I believed. In fact, giving up some of those beliefs was actually terrifying......if I was wrong in giving up those beliefs, I thought I would be condemned to eternal damnation and hell fire. My knees became worn out from the hours and hours of praying and tears. This part of my journey became filled with epiphany after epiphany....I was constantly looking at the world differently as each epiphany hit. It was during this part of my journey I discovered Christopher Nelmelka and the Marvelous Work and a Wonder (the MWAW)! Of course, as part of my researching which I had learned as part of Apologetics, I would read and study with an open mind. I wanted to hear both sides of arguments. As such, I listened to the negative as well as the positive things which were said about Christopher. This allowed me to "hear" what he was teaching. IT WAS SOOOOOOOO EXCITING!!!!!!
Now, I already believed that as eternal beings, we are not gendered. I already believed that "Satan" is the "god" of this world, and that the humans in this world equated to being Satan....and
that we are all enemies of the "true god"....which meant that all religions were also enemies since they were made up of human mortals. I believed in multiple probations. I recognized that the
LDS Church was still under condemnation as revealed by Joseph Smith in D&C 84:55-57. I also believed through my in-depth study of the D&C and other LDS Church documents that Hyrum Smith would be the next "Prophet"....though I didn't know how this would look since Hyrum died with Joseph. Though I believed/suspected these things, I had no idea what these things
really looked like; it was all very much in an "idea and feeling only" stage, I hadn't yet put it together that Hyrum would be the prophet in a different probation. When I discovered that
Christopher's True Self had had an avatar named Hyrum Smith I was blown away!!! Additionally, I was thrilled that Christopher was able to give so much clarity and understanding
about the things I had suspected!! And the additional things he has taught....well, Amazing! Freaking Amazing!! And it ALL MAKES PERFECT SENSE!!!
Finding the MWAW and our True Messenger, Christopher, has freed me from all of the traditions I had been taught by the world be they about religion, or Science, or politics, etc. It began to matter less and less what others believed was true. For example, I never believed in evolution; even when it was taught in school--so, I would give my opinion about that to those who do believe it. It has not been easy to not continue to give my opinion... . I had had a lifetime of about 60 years of believing that what people believed mattered; and that it was okay for me to give others my opinion. Besides, I had really enjoyed Apologetics....sigh. However, I am glad that I was involved with Apologetics because it was that involvement that taught me that the traditions of our fathers is not only NOT Real Truth; but those traditions actually hide Real
Truth from our minds.
While I am greatly saddened about what is happening in the world...and most distressing is the suffering...I no longer feel hopeless. I am even doing better emotionally about the myriad of
physical and mental health issues with my body which prevent me from participating very much in this world. It has also been easier to let go and forgive the world and myself for what we have
caused. I am at peace with it. I am happy that the Real Truth has been provided so that those who have desired it can find it. I love the Brothers and our True Messenger, Christopher (he is a
wonderful human being!!), for all that they do for the MWAW and for this world. I am humbled Christopher wants me to share this.
I was born June 15, 1952 in Miami, Florida. Being Southern-born, I was jokingly referred to as the Rebel of the family because both my older brother and my younger brother were born in the same hospital in Rahway, New Jersey. My parents had moved to Miami so that my father could be admitted to a Veteran's hospital for a serious operation in which most of his left lung was removed. They didn't know it at the time (in fact not until some 50 years later) that a blood transfusion he was given was tainted with Hepatitis B. When he got very sick afterward, they believed it was just his body trying to recover from the operation. It seriously affected his health for the rest of his life. It was during his being sick that I was conceived. I don't know if that did anything negative to my developing body. When I was 1 year old my family moved back to New Jersey. My father was born in his parent's home in Elizabeth, NJ. Both of his parents were born in Sicily, Italy. My mother was born in Moundsville, West Virginia. Her parents were born in the United States.
I have never really enjoyed good health. As a young child, I was anemic. I had tonsillitis so often, I had my tonsils removed at the age of five. When I was seven, I came down with Red Measles/ Rubeola (not to be confused with German measles/rubella). I was very sick and weakened. As I was recovering, I came down with Mumps. I was more sick and more weakened. As I was recovering from the Mumps, I came down with a serious sinus infection.
All in all, I was in bed for at least three consecutive months. I am told that afterward, I didn't gain any weight for over two years. My legs looked like sticks as proven by several pictures taken during that time. I have a prolapsed mitral valve which occasionally causes some breathing problems. I didn't get my period until I was 13. Then, I only had a period a couple of times a year. They were so painful that I could not stand up straight. My mom tried so many things to make me more comfortable; it was long enough ago, that there weren't many pain pill options to take. In fact, I remember taking only aspirin. Doctors would tell me that the pain was all in my head; that I was over-reacting and seeking attention. In high school I got strep throat 4 times in a row during a three month period. Each time my temperature would rise to 104 degrees. My doctor finally determined that maybe a member of my family was a silent carrier. Turns out it was my younger brother.
In my early 20's I went to a specialist seeking help for my menstrual pain. He performed a laparoscopy and determined that the pain was due to the many cysts on my ovaries. He recommended a hysterectomy. He told me I had a one in a million chance to ever become pregnant. But I wanted to take that chance to have children, so I turned him down. In my late twenties I had an accident which landed me in the hospital where I was bed-bound for about 10 days without being ambulatory. After being released and started taking care of myself again, I discovered that I couldn't move my legs very well....I had very limited range of motion with them. I went to a really good Chiropractor who took X-rays before he would work on me. In
addition to the accident taking my spine seriously out of alignment, he discovered a huge dermoid tumor on my left ovary. Mystery solved about the infrequent periods and all of the pain
they caused! It wasn't in my head after all. (Not sure how the specialist missed the tumor several years prior.) When I had that tumor removed (they had to take the ovary with it), I was told it was the size of a large navel orange, and that it contained hair and teeth---maybe parts of what should have been my twin. For the first time in my life, I had regular periods with very little pain involved. More health coming up.....
More on health:
Another accident (this time falling off a horse), I went to the emergency room. The X-ray taken at that time disclosed that my coccyx never finished developing. This would explain why there
are certain exorcises I was never able to do. My dance teacher in high school accused me of not trying hard enough.....sigh. Fortunately, it really hasn't caused many problems. In my 40's I had a serious horse-back riding accident. The thing that saved me was my riding helmet. After being thrown, I was semi-conscious and had temporary amnesia. The accident shook something
loose in my left eustachian tube which caused temporary serious benign positional Vertigo (bpv). The dizziness was intense....my eyes actually vibrated; it lasted a couple of weeks. Even now I
occasionally experience some mild bpv, though it happens randomly.
I suffer with IBS. In the last several years it has gotten worse. It is to the point that I am not able to get out of the house much....literally. It is very painful and causes me much distress.
Specialists tell me I was born with it. I didn't have it diagnosed until I was in my 40's, though I have been symptomatic from as far back as I can remember. Now, it keeps me house-bound.
I have also suffered severe clinical depression all of my life....even as a young child. I also suffer from panic attacks--which are the ones that happen without warning and without stimulus....sometimes several times a day--which can really cause havoc! That is probably why I am more susceptible to frequent anxiety attacks during which I have trouble breathing and I want
to run...well...anywhere (fright and flight). Some doctors say I also have borderline personality. I have been suicidal most of my life...though I only tried a few times to act on those thoughts.
One time, about 8 years ago or so, I very much wanted to die and took enough pills to kill several people. Instead of dying, I woke up in the hospital. Unbelievably, the doctors (also surprised) couldn't find any damage from the overdose. In fact, the only thing they did was stick an IV in my arm and kept watch over me while I slept...until the pills wore off (I don't remember how many hours/days that was). I still really don't know or understand fully why I didn't die, though I have tried a couple of theories---but could never convince myself. After I woke up they admitted
me to their psych ward for about 10 days.
Before that time, I had always been treated as an out-patient for my depression and other mental issues. Over the years I was given so many different drugs while doctors tried to find the right
cocktail for me. I have had a couple of nervous breakdowns...the last one was about 10 years ago. I was taking about 4 different meds at that time...including anti-depressants and antipsychotics. During that time, after a session with my Psychiatrist, I went home and out of nowhere collapsed on the floor. I started crying what I can best describe as animalistic and wailing from deep deep inside of me. It scared me! It is the moment I realized that I had never really been able to control very much of what happened to me during my life. I believe now that that was the moment I recognized how truly important free will is (I just hadn't been able to put my finger on it until after I found the Work). That is when I started cutting myself in order to be in control of the pain I suffered both mentally and physically. Without going into a lot of details, I was emotionally and physically abused. There was even some sexual abuse--though it was minor.
I was raised to believe a woman's place was in the home (though, ironically, my mother had to work as she was the breadwinner due to my dad's poor health---he was only able to hold down
positions where he was not able to earn much money). So, I learned to cook and clean house from a very early age. I baked my first apple pie from scratch when I was five. My mother must
have had a great deal of patience. Poor thing, as I in insisted on doing everything myself. Hahaha!!! By the time I was in junior high, I was doing the laundry, planning the menus, and cooking the meals during the week. Then I would help my mom do the house cleaning and grocery shopping on Saturdays. Not much was required of my brothers. If they didn't do their chores, I was made to do them. I loved cooking and baking. My father did not allow anything instant, or boxed---so everything was from scratch.
My father loved his family, but his health was terrible. What I didn't understand then was that his rage and anger were caused by depression. He took it out on the family he loved. He was very strict and could be very violent. Additionally, he was extremely critical of my cooking. He let me know what wasn't perfect about it, even though I tried so hard to please him. If he really
didn't like it (or when he was just in a bad mood), he threw it....sometimes a whole pot full. My brothers and I were afraid of him. My older brother joined the Navy as soon as he got old
enough (and before graduating from high school--though he later got his GED). My younger brother (and I believe it was partially due to his own frustration in dealing with dad) would on me pretty frequently. When I went to my parents for protection, I would get in trouble for "ratting" on him. There were many times my dad would get home and I wanted him to say hello to me and acknowledge me. So often he would just pick up the newspaper and completely ignore me. So often I would burst into tears because he wouldn't even look at me. Then, my mother would get home and send me to my room...grounded for disturbing him. There was nowhere I could go for protection or the validation I needed. I felt invisible and unworthy of love and affection. I actually cannot recall being held by either my mom or my dad while I was growing up. He had a nervous breakdown while I was in my teens. He was placed in the mental ward of a local hospital for about a week or two.
When I was 10 I heard my maternal grandmother warn my dad that he was going to go to hell if he didn't stop swearing. He would say "God damn it"-- besides an occasional "shit" that was all I remember him saying (hahaha....if he could only hear ME now!!!). Anyway, I was devastated to learn he would go to hell. I ran to my room, got on my knees and prayed for God to send me to hell in place of my father. I loved him, and could not imagine him burning in hell for eternity.
In spite of all of my responsibilities growing up, I did very well in school. In fact, I loved school because it got me out of the house. I was smart and always got great grades. I managed to be in the 96th percentile in my SAT's for English; and 85 percentile in math. I typed 90 words a minute; and took shorthand at 120 words a minute. I was tested and told my IQ was about 140. Now I wonder what does all of this shit even mean in the grand scheme of things. So why the hell am I telling you?? I loved music. I was always singing in a choir. I learned to play the clarinet when I was 8 years old...continuing with it through junior high school where I marched in the school band. When I was a senior in high school I finally had time (I had finished all of the prerequisites for college) to take an acting class. I loved it!! It gave me the chance to
become someone other than myself.....somewhere I was not invisible. The first assignment we received was to memorize 50 lines from a Shakespeare play and perform them on stage in front
of the class. I was a widow mourning my husband's death--which took place at his graveside. I became her, even crying and kneeling at his invisible shrine while I recited the lines. The class
actually stood up and applauded! I was astounded! It's how I got the lead of Olivia in our production of Twelfth Night. Lots of fun times and memories are connected to this. Friendships are still being enjoyed and cherished today. I was still very, very painfully shy. If someone said hello while passing in the hallway, I would just assume the hello was for someone behind me. I was too shy to look them in the eye. As a result, many classmates who did not know me well thought I was stuck up....but I was far from it!!
I befriended any who were shunned or bullied by others. I couldn't bear the thought of their pain. I tried to be kind to everyone. People, even those I don't know very well, have come to
share their problems with me. They say it is because I never judge them, and that I accept them no matter what; they just get to unload whatever is weighing them down. Also, I have always
loved animals. Animals have loved me back. I remember visiting Oatman, Arizona once (It's a ghost town.....LOVE ghost towns). They have wild burros roaming the old dirt streets. There was a very young baby with its mother whom visitors were trying to get close enough to in order to feed her grain and pet her (the other burros were happy to be fed and petted). No one was successful. I simply sat down in the dirt, and the little baby came right up to me and allowed me to pet her. When other people then tried the same thing, she ran away. I have almost always had cats and dogs as pets. Their companionship has sustained me through many dark days and happy days. For awhile, I lived a life-long dream of owning horses. I worked very hard in order to pay for them and their upkeep. My little Morgan mare was my favorite. It was not unusual for me to go out riding on her and catch myself crying because it made me so happy.
Boyfriends, sex, no lies, and no video tapes
I met my first real boyfriend during the summer between junior high and senior high. As soon as we met, there was a profound connection. We went everywhere together. We loved dancing,
even at home. We learned/taught each other how to french kiss...which we did often and for long periods of time. Years later he confessed to me that he was gay. When we talked on the
phone after that, we instantly cried just at the sound of our voices....with sadness, but mostly "for happy" in our memories with each other. A couple of years before he died I visited him and
he shared a shoe box which carried mementos of all the things we had done together....pictures, ticket stubs, etc. He told me that box was his most cherished possession. He died due to a broken heart of sadness as he never could come to terms with being gay in this fucked up world. He just stopped living. We never stopped loving each other. I miss him terribly; my heart aches on his behalf. Fuck this world for what we do to those who are different from us, or who believe differently. When I was active as a young adult, a good friend had only been gone on his mission for a couple of months when I saw him sitting on a couch outside the Chapel before a Sacrament meeting. He was sitting there all alone even though people who knew him were standing all around. My heart pulled me to him without even thinking about it. I sat next to him and said, "I am sooooo happy to see you!" He burst into tears and told me that no one would approach him. That I was the only one. It turns out he just couldn't handle being a missionary;
and his heart was broken. These circumstances of how we treat each other sadden me to no end.
LOL...must, must share the "sex talk" I received when I was about 14 years old. Now, I thought you could get pregnant from kissing. I didn't have a clue about what sex even was; though I had
been warned to never have sex until I was married. okayyyyy....whatever..... The talk was this (given by my mother): "If you should ever have any questions about sex, I want you to know
that you can come to me and I'll answer them for you." And I was thinking, if I don't know anything about sex, then how can I ask you questions about it? I still laugh about it!!!! The first time I had sex I was a senior in high school. I had met Brent while involved with the theater group. We had been boyfriend/girlfriend for several months before I finally gave in to his desires. We were both virgins. Because I had been taught to only give my virginity to my husband on our wedding night, I felt I had grievously sinned. Even though I was not in love with him, we got married because I was afraid of what God would do to me if I didn't marry him. What a freaking mess!!! This is also when I found the Church; in fact, we both had read the BoM and felt it was true. Because I could not fathom being married for time AND eternity to Brent, I almost didn't join the Church!! Within about six months after joining, we were divorced....even though my Patriarchal Blessing(PB) told me I would marry Brent in the Temple. Good grief...this confused the hell out of me.....sigh..... Later Brent went on a mission; we communicated the entire time and started dating again when he returned. I kept thinking about that damn PB...believing still that I should remarry Brent in order to be sealed to him. But there
just was no love there. I was do depressed, I even considered taking my life in order to avoid such a sealing, facing such misery, and disappointing Heavenly Father. Now I laugh at my gullibility and naivete. I let that shit take hold of me....wow....just wow!! I couldn't even bear his touching me or kissing me. I actually thought there was something wrong with me inasmuch
as while we were married I never liked sex. ...though I very much longed to enjoy it. I believed I was just frigid and that I was doomed to never ever enjoy sex.
A couple of years later I met the man who was to become my second husband. He was a returned missionary, and we were married and sealed in the SLC Temple. There was such a strong sexual attraction between us. YAY!!! I wasn't frigid after all....and, oh my!! He was the love of my life. I got pregnant on our honeymoon (so much for the 1 in a million chance as predicted by my doctor). I was very sick...oh man....and so so so tired. I would actually dream that I had awoken and gone to work. When I was only about five months pregnant, I went into labor and lost my son; born too soon, Ryan's lungs just weren't developed enough. I was devastated. Two years later I became pregnant again. At three months I had to have emergency surgery to tie up my cervix. Turns out I have an incompetent cervix which caused the premature birth of Ryan. At any rate, this time, I had already lost the mucus plug, and the fetus was already descending. The doctor was able to push the fetus back and suture the cervix. I had to stay in bed the rest of the pregnancy. Fortunately, this time I wasn't as sick. But I was terrified I would lose this baby as well. Though Kimberly was born about 3 weeks early, she was fine and
healthy!!! She is awesome!! Unfortunately I was told not to get pregnant again...there was little chance that no matter what the doctors did, they doubted I could remain pregnant long enough
for the child to survive. With that news, the love of my life divorced me because he wanted a big family. WTF!! I had done everything I was counseled to do. I became disillusioned and
inactive for many years...angry with Heavenly Father. Jim moved back to Utah and did not pay child support. I was alone raising my child and working to support us; this was especially difficult because I was having many panic attacks daily.
Richard Ramirez--this is long and involved. If you are up to reading it, go grab some
In the summer of 1985 I started dating a man I had dated several years prior. He moved in with me (ooh...grievously sinning). Kimberly was 4 years old. This is also during the time the infamous Night Stalker, Richard Ramirez, was on his murder spree. As soon as Greg moved in, I started receiving envelopes in the mail that contained the remains of burned insects and a photo copy of a tarot card of death with words of warning against me and Kimberly. I also received hang up phone calls all through the nights. So I was unable to get a good night's sleep for months. Then came boxes of products in the mail which were to have been ordered by me...but I had not ordered them. The police originally told me not to worry about anything; but to continue handing over any new envelopes. I got a phone call while I was at work one day from the police. They wanted me to come to the station and meet with them concerning my case. I was escorted into a large classroom and introduced to: A DETECTIVE IN CHARGE OF HOMICIDE! And a man who was working with the police who used to be a Priest in a Satanic Cult (he was the expert helping them with the Satanic activity going on). The expert, in order to reach the status of Priest in his particular coven, needed to have killed someone in a sacrifice. His working with the Police was part of some kind of plea agreement he made with Police in Chicago (if I
remember correctly). The detective told me that my life and the life of my daughter were in danger. I had what I could only describe at that time as an out-of-body experience because it felt
like my "spirit" temporarily left my body and I was able to see the backs of the heads of both men. It only lasted a few seconds; and then it felt like my "spirit" re-entered my body at the top of my head....or so the sensations seemed (wow, is the mind ever powerful!). I was counseled to immediately go home and pack a bag for myself and one for Kimberly, and to get the hell out of
Dodge (actually, Santa Ana, CA). They would take care of talking to my employer. I then met another detective assigned to my case. She reviewed with me some of the Satanic activity taking place in Orange County that had increased since the Night Stalker had come on the scene. She shared with me the stories of several deaths wherein the victims had been killed and then pentagrams had been carved into their chests. Infants were being kidnapped and their sacrificed bodies were being found where known Satanic cults held their rituals. Animal sacrifices were multiplying. We weren't reading about it in the newspapers or hearing about it on the news because the Police and governing officials wanted it kept quiet. I used to think that none of that stuff ever really happened. I was told to find someone I trusted in another state and go "underground"...but to keep them informed as to my whereabouts. They would make sure that the police stationed wherever it was that I moved, would be apprised of my case.
I know you think I am making this shit up; but it was really happening. I was in a daze...as if my circumstances hadn't been bad enough before this started happening. I was told to tell no one about what was going on...not even my parents. In fact, everyone I knew was under suspicion and they were being investigated secretly....family, friends, neighbors, co-workers, and
especially Church members. Then, just I was ready to leave town that night, the Police called again. They told me that their expert now deemed that it would be useless to try to hide. (!!!!) Cults had their own underground and network. I was already on their radar, and more importantly, they would find me. So, the plan was to stay where I was. However, I was now encouraged to learn how to shoot a gun--which I did. I was told that the attack, when it came,
would be at least 3 people, but as many as 12. I was not to go anywhere alone. I was to watch for anything suspicious around the outside and the inside of the house. Kimberly was allowed to
be sent out of state and placed with someone...but not until that someone had been vetted and apprised of what was going on. Greg was supposed to take me to work and pick me up...and to
use a different route each day. A court ordered tap was placed on my phone. A Police car cruised our home several times a night. It was hot that summer and we had no air conditioning where we lived. We had to keep the windows shut at night; and to not allow the dogs to go outside without our supervision, as their lives were also in danger. We had guns under our pillows, and extra loaded magazines laid around the house.
One night we heard something outside our bedroom window. Greg called the Police and I stayed crouched beside the bed with a semiautomatic weapon clutched in my hands pointed at the window. It seemed like ages, but it was actually just a few minutes before the Police arrived and I could hear a helicopter overhead (they REALLY, REALLY wanted to catch this cult). Greg answered the knock at the front door and then promptly returned to tell me NOT to shoot at anyone passing the window...that it was now the Police all over the property. I could not let go of the gun. He literally had to pry my fingers opened because they were frozen in place. Panic attacks, anxiety attacks, prescription drugs, fear/terror.... This shit continued for several months...even after Ramirez was captured. Each letter had been mailed from a different post office. There was never any DNA evidence found...no saliva...no fingerprints. Just more burned bugs (covered in Satanic consecrated oil), and more photo copies of the tarot death card along with the typed threats. The Police could never prove anything...no one was ever arrested. Eventually, the calls and envelopes stopped. The Police believed it was Church members behind the activity. The Court actually placed a special order on this case wherein there would be no statute of limitations. Kimberly was returned to me!!! It remains unsolved to this day. And a good time was had by all....sigh....sigh. An interesting side note. A couple of years later Greg was working at a uniform shop in Anaheim. A Policeman came in to order some things and they got to talking about Richard Ramirez. Greg then mentioned that his girlfriend had been targeted by a Satanic Cult during that time. The Policeman said, "you must be Jean's boyfriend". Small world.... The expert determined that the cult was using me as practice to hone and teach stalking skills to their members. He didn't know why I was targeted. The Police used psychics and sent me to psychiatrists to determine if I was doing all of this to myself. They even tried to hypnotize me (while recording the session on camera) to see if I could remember anything that I had done to piss off someone in a cult, or to determine if I had seen something I wasn't supposed to see.
Nothing.... As you can imagine, I was loving my life...sarcasm intended. But hey, what a story to tell today!!!!
Finally, this should be the last entry which catches us up to date with today. No doubt you are
I became active in Church again...mainly because Kimberly was active and loved the Church. I started making some really good money because I was marketing myself differently. I was an
accountant...and I loved being an accountant. I loved spending money secretly on others, especially on a good friend whose husband (priesthood holder) would beat her and threaten their
children. She finally left him, but he stalked her. I also loved to cook big meals and then take some to a couple of different widows who lived in my neighborhood. By now I had my own
consulting business, which I knew I could do anywhere I lived. Eventually I decided I wanted to get out of California. So we moved to Arizona where I helped design and build my forever
home. But this is when I got sicker mentally...to the point I was no longer able to work. Then my neighbors, who had bought property in the same tract as me (2 1/2 acre horse property plots),
decided they didn't want any horses living near them. They planted plants which were so deadly to horses that a single mouth full would kill a horse. Greg had decided before we moved that he didn't want to work anymore....even though I had been the breadwinner and now I needed him to step up. He also didn't want to even do work that is required to upkeep a house. Enter my second nervous breakdown. And the episode which brought about my cutting myself. One neighbor had been told by Greg about my mental condition, and he decided he wanted to buy our
house for his daughter. He started harassing me about all types of made-up bullshit because he wanted me to break enough so that I would abandon everything. He even told Greg that this was
his plan; and Greg did nothing. So, another divorce. That was number three. When I decided to move, my Real Estate Agent went to look at the house. That neighbor along with another
neighbor followed her to the house (it was on a dead end) carrying guns. They claimed to be watching the place for me; but they also let her know that they would continue to show up with
their guns whenever anyone came around for a walk-through. It scared the crap out of my Agent; and she refused to take the house on...even advising me to strip it and take everything
with me. I had no fight left in me. So I did abandon my forever house...something else to lose and walk away from.
During this time, I met Frank on an adult website! Naughty me! Naughty Frank! My house was in Casa Grande, and he lived in Tucson (which is where my Psychiatrist was). I was put on
permanent disability. Frank and I found a house a rent in Vail (AZ) where we could have the horses. He was investigating the Church, and after a couple of years, he was baptized and we were married in a civil ceremony the very next day. This was his third marriage; my fourth. We got married by our Bishop inside the house we were renting. His business failed during the recession and we found ourselves hunting for a place to live because we could no longer afford the rent where we were living. An Agent in Show Low, AZ introduced us to a woman who loaned mortgage money (with Frank's failed business, and my walking away from my home, we had lousy credit). She liked me (thank God), and due to my guaranteed disability income, she agreed to loan us most of the purchase money for our property in Snowflake, AZ. We were able to scrape together the rest for the down payment. It was during the time we were moving to Snowflake that I took the overdose of pills. Within a year or two I had to get rid of the horses (thank you for your help, Kristine!!!) because we couldn't afford them anymore, and I was no longer able to take care of them.
I continued to participate in Apologetics...finding out more and more things that bothered me. For instance, Christ had said it was important to study the words of Isaiah. So I began looking to
see which chapters, exactly, were included in the Book of Mormon. I wrote out a timeline and chapter numbers. I discovered that the first book of Isaiah was missing...even wondering at that time if the first chapter might have been in the 116 pages Joseph had lost. During our first year here Frank was preparing to go to the Temple...so he was taking the preparatory lessons. I was still looking forward to returning to the Temple and to being sealed with Frank.
HOWEVER, with all of the epiphanies I began experiencing (and Frank was having them as well), and the posts I was making in Apologetics, we began to realize that the Church wasn't true
after all. A friend I met on line in Apologetics suggested that I contact another of his online friends, Kristine Marble. She and I hit it off right away. She even came down to visit with us. We pretty much found the Work at the same time; we were constantly on the phone speaking about the marvelous and wondrous things we were learning. I don't want to speak for her, but I was Ready!! I read the damn books!!! All of the things that had bothered me about religion (both Orthodox and the LDS): mysteries solved. All the work I had done in the Temple (I used to do a LOT) but which I had never understood...now I DO understand. And all of the weirdness I felt during all of the Endowment sessions I attended....justified and gone!!
Frank helped me to get off of one of the most powerful of the drugs I had been taking for over six years. They lied to me when they told me there would be no withdrawal. Well, actually the
drug companies lied to them...they just passed the lie along. It literally took a year to get off of it. Little by little by little to the point Frank was actually counting the number of grains in the
capsules. If I tried to do it too fast, I suffered the same type of withdrawal symptoms that drug addicts suffer. I was too frail to do it any quicker. Fucking bastard pharmaceutical companies.
I cannot begin to properly share what finding the Work has done for me. For one thing, I STOPPED cutting myself. It helped me adjust to my body falling apart. Fortunately, we made it
to a couple of meetings in Orem and in SLC while I was still able. So, I got to meet our Messenger in person. Oh happy day!!!!!! (BTW,..and this is totally random...I'm currently listening to Queen "We Will Rock You"...how can you listen to this and NOT stomp your feet and rock along with it?? I DO love Freddie Mercury!! What a fucking talent!!!)
I AM FREE!!! Free from sin! Even my clinical depression, though it continues to be, and my panic and anxiety attacks continue, I accept them and all of the other shit I have experienced in
my life because I believe my True Self wants/needs me to experience these things. I hope I am giving my true self everything it wants from me. I love my enemies better, I forgive easier, I
accept our differences easier. And I love you members of this group...so much. You have no idea. I love the brothers and our Messenger.
Thanks for reading my babbling.