What is love?
I’ve looked for it all of my life. I yearned for it from my parents but didn’t find it there. It wasn’t that they didn’t want to love me, but perhaps didn’t know how.
I searched for it in siblings. My brothers would take advantage of me sexually. I thought it was love. But the experiences I had with them created an emptiness and loneliness within me that didn’t feel like love at all.
I looked for it with my friends. I had a girlfriend who touched little children. This was very sexually confusing to me. It reminded me of things I had experienced that I didn’t understand. It made me feel protective of the children she was involved with. I wanted to be accepted by her and wanted our friendship to remain intact but this was distressing and confusing to me.
As a teenager, I met someone, my older brother’s friend, that was so kind and so loving and thoughtful of others, serving them unlike anything I had ever seen or experienced before. This opened a great desire in my heart. I wanted more and more of that. I now believed it was possible to find a man who could provide this kind of love for me.
I had been taught at church that I could have a forever marriage if I got married to a returned missionary in the temple for time and all eternity. And THAT became my goal. I married an older man who fit these requirements. And quickly began our family.
As a family, we strove to follow God. This was the beginning of this journey. I became diligent in my obedience because of my desire to have the love I wanted from God. I felt like having God in my life was ESSENTIAL for my children. I was raising God’s children. I needed to be worthy of that.
Doing all I could to fill the emptiness that I continued to feel, I looked again outside of myself. I turned to energy work. This opened my eyes to the realities of my marriage and my life. I was not happy. I was not living my life for me. I was living my life for God’s love. I was never fulfilled. I was always empty. I felt like I was getting my head flushed down the toilet.
I was not feeling the love from God I desired. I learned that our marriage was built on expectations. I did not find the love I was seeking there. I had seven children and sought love from them in unconscious ways, only to find that that wasn’t the answer either. I felt empty. Realizing that I was drowning, I had to leave.
I was seeking for God’s love in a way that made sense to me. I didn’t know what that would look like. I knew it wasn’t through others and their expectations and not through the church I had been a part of. But I didn’t know where to find the love of God that I desired.
The very next day, I looked for it in polygamy, thinking that I could live the “higher laws” so that I could be closer to God. I was there for three years. This was not the answer either.
Always remembering the love I had seen as a teenager, I searched for that in men. I wanted the kindness, the gentleness, the tenderness I had witnessed from that boy I had known.
I had many different relationships with men. I experienced abuse, neglect, control, manipulation, as I gave myself to men who were incapable of loving me the way that I imagined in my mind I should be loved and cherished. I lost myself to men, hoping and desiring each one would be “the one” who would fill the emptiness in my heart and bring me the love I so yearned for and desired.
I had a friend who found The Sealed Portion. She introduced me to it but it meant nothing to me. I was not familiar enough with the Book of Mormon to understand what that meant. AND I didn’t want religion anymore. She encouraged me to get on the website anyway and see if there was a book that called to me. I did that. The book that stood out to me was Human Reality. So I began reading it and it hit me so hard, so hard. I cried and cried and cried. It made sense. It talked of loving parents, mother and father, the way I know it to be. That love and kindness I looked for all my life, reached me through this book.
One by one, I read all the books and I began my journey of loving MYSELF. They all directed me to love myself first and then to love others as myself, each and every one, in their own way. The Sealed Portion was the last book I read and the most powerful to me.
Each book I’ve read has brought me closer to myself and taught me to believe in myself and trust myself. I know what’s best for me and I am learning to trust that I know what is best for me.
I am convinced that the Real Illuminati® and our Messenger are who they claim to be. Their information has changed my life so dramatically and positively. I now understand that the love that I’ve been looking for my whole life is within me. AND as I learn to love myself, as I should, I have more ability to love those around me.
The Real Truth that continues to be unfolded to me empowers and strengthens me. It completes me and helps me to experience a joy in this life I have never known before.