Jean Crystal Stephensen
I was born October 1st 1970. I am a mother of 7 beautiful children, 5 girls and two boys. I also am a grandmother.
I come from a very lds background. My mom and dad were both Mormons.
I never really liked to read or do school work because it was very hard for me. When I would read I would not understand what I read, so I never really read the Book of Mormon tell later in my life when I was a mom.
I got married young at 18 to a good man, to a returned missionary and we were sealed in Salt Lake City Temple. We were married for 18 years and we have 7 beautiful children.
I think I read the book of Mormon one time in those 18 years. I was busy being Mom and taking care of all the needs of our children and being that perfect mom.
Going to church, going to the temple, being a visiting teacher, and teaching primary, constantly busy in the church doing what I'm supposed to do to be a perfect member of the church and to feel God's love ... it made me very miserable.
When my first son was born, my 6th child, I started to read other books and try to look for help in self-help books and life coaching - anything to just give me strength to get through the day. After my last son, my seventh child, was born I focused on myself more.
I started to see that I was not just going along with what I was told any longer with the church. I started to feel more stronger in what I believed and I left the church in 2004.
My husband and I continue to try to make it work between us but I was changing and I didn't want religion anymore so we Divorced.
I left the kids with their father I had shared custody with the kids but I wasn't going to raise them in the way that they had been brought up and I wanted them to have a stable environment, doing what made them happy and what they were used to.
I left them with their father hoping some day that I would get more established and come to be with them more but that never happened. I did however stay in their lives and see them once or twice a month and spend time with them but never like it was before. I wasn't the same person.
I found myself in a polygamist group for 3 years and I learned how men manipulated women in the name of God.
I left that group and did not believe in God or the devil or any one outside myself. I broke that old bottle and I was ready for what came next.
One of my friends from that group told me about the MWAW. The Sealed portion and invited me to go to the website and asked me to just take a look and if I wanted to learn more to choose a book and just start to read. All the books are free to download and read on the internet. I told her no, I am not interested in religion or anything to do with the the scriptures. I gave it all up. I want nothing to do with it. And yet I did go to the website and I did find a book that I was interested in. It was the Human Reality Book who we are and why we exist. When I read this book I cried and was so happy. It all made sense to me, when I left the kids when I did the things that I had done to save ME.
who I am
When I listen to who I am and to follow what makes me happy this books released me from all the pain that I had created by leaving my children. Then I read the 666 Book Mark of America seat of the Beast helped me to see that religion was control, manipulation, and falsehood and it freed me from guilt. When I went and visited my friend and she had the Sealed portion I did not want it. It was scripture to me ... so she asked my boyfriend at that time and he brought it home and started to read it ... so I read it with him and I finished it that year 2010 along withThe Sealed Not Sacred Book.
Wow! I never understood the temple endowment. All the time I would spend going to the temple month after month i would trying to figure it out. Reading this book set me free to know the truth, that it's all just a dream and we will wake up someday and so much more.
In 2012, the book was finished without disclosing my true identity. i did finish that book that same year and I was amazed at the love and appreciation for Joseph Smith and for the work. I understood things in Ways I had never and again I was set free just to be me.
Every one of these books over and over talk about loving yourself and treating others the way you want to be treated. That's the one thing I kept getting every time I read one of these books. I would become freer and freer to be me in every sense of that word.
In 2016, when the humanity party introduced, I was so excited.
I got on board and tried to tell my friends and family about the humanity party. I did share it with some of my kids they want to NO part of it. Some of my friends, they could care less. I wish we could establish the humanity party and give the five basic necessities of life equally to ever person on the planet for free so we could have the time to be who we truly are. it's the only thing that made sense to me. Why can't we give people the
Five basic necessities of LIFE? Now more then ever do we all need this.
And now in my life I am living in Orem and I am working at at a grocery store and I enjoy being here with my friends listening to coffee with Chris every Sunday, which brings me peace. I continue to read the books and learn more and more. I am so happy where I am in my life, at this time, with the knowledge that I have that brings me freedom straight more kindness, more compassion, and more love for this world then I've had in all my life. I'm so happy to be a part of this work and would do anything to help it. Thanks for taking the time to read my story I love you all. Have a great day.
Or others have called me Mean Jean the fighting machine
now is the loving machine .....he he he 😁🌛🌈💖🤗
While reading other peoples’ life stories, I realized that there were quite a few things I left out of mine.
My mother and father met at Salt Aire, when it was a dance place and a big hang out. My mom always wanted a big family. She was going to become an airline stewardess when she met my dad.
They started dating, and she got pregnant. So, my mom put her dreams on hold to raise a family of nine, with an emotionally abusive husband.
Dad was a loner, always has been. There are many things I remember about my dad. He liked to be by himself and he lived in the basement. He had his own fridge, his own TV, his own apartment downstairs and we could be no part of it.
I remember when my younger brother would get loud upstairs, my dad would come up, take off his belt, and smack him around. I don’t know why it was always him but it was always the same brother.
We never ate together as a family. He ate downstairs by himself. We couldn’t watch TV with him and if we ever did and made a sound, he would make us leave.
My family lived in Brigham City, UT, before I was born. When Dad went back to school to finish his engineering degree, my family went back to Libertyville, Illinois, and my dad went to school in Chicago to get his engineering degree. I was born there. I was told that I weighed 11 pounds, the biggest baby my mom had. They moved back to Brigham City when I was two years old.
My mom would always tell me a story. She was busy with the kids and I got out of the house when I could barely toddle. I was in the middle of the street, as a car was coming down and she caught me just in time before I was hit.
My mom would always say that I would always climb up to be on the top. My favorite place was on the top of a tall piano. I would always try to climb to the highest place in the house.
My mom, I never understood her. I wasn’t close to her. I never spent time with her until the last three years of her life when I took care of her. I didn’t spend time with my father either. I spent a lot of time alone, by myself. I didn’t like to play with my brothers and sisters and I didn’t like to be at home.
I do remember growing up that when my dad came home from work, if I was home, we would all hide behind the couch, because we didn’t want to get yelled at. He would walk in and say, “Where the hell’s my dinner?” and “The house isn’t clean.” Then, he’d shut the door, and go downstairs. That’s when we’d know it was okay to come out.
Mom was quiet around him. She didn’t speak up. She just learned to ignore him. But she always had his dinner prepared on time and given to him right after work. He would eat and then we would eat whatever we had at home. He had the meat and potatoes and salad and we would eat the oatmeal or whatever was left over to eat.
Mom and Dad would fight. I was never at home. But for some damn reason, every night, even though he didn’t want us around, I would go downstairs and give him a hug and tell him I loved him before I went to sleep. I continued to reach out the whole time I lived there, despite his behavior. He was mean. I don’t know why I did that, I just did.
My mom would always ask me, “Why don’t you just stay home? You’re never home. Why are you never home?”
I never wanted to tell her that I hated being home. I would always seek out a place of peace, either it was my friend’s house or in the treehouse.
My dad would only give my mom $100 every two weeks to feed nine children. He would take the rest and build his computers and build his things downstairs. He would never spend it on us. I felt we were never good enough for him.
We never had fruits and vegetables because they were too expensive. We ate oatmeal, potatoes, noodles, cheap stuff.
As I’m writing this I’m crying, not just for myself but for all the children everywhere, those who are starving and struggling and could be helped if we would only implement The Humanity Party.
I always sought out love everywhere – to be loved and accepted. I have five brothers. One of them, maybe even three of them, took advantage of me at different times in different ways. One time I remember, the TV was downstairs and my brother had rheumatic fever at the time. I was around five, and he forced me to do things to his body. And I didn’t feel bad. I just wanted his love.
Other times things would happen in the night with my other brother. That’s why I was afraid of the dark. I always wanted to keep that hall light on because then I could see who was coming in and out but my mom would shut it off and I’d be so scared.
All throughout my life, I’ve experienced things, men taking advantage of me in sexual ways. My junior high school teacher, the janitor, at least three of my brothers, and I don’t know why I never fought back. I just wanted to be loved.
When I was in kindergarten, when you’re supposed to learn to love learning, my kindergarten teacher would tell me as well as others that I was retarded and dumb and that she was going to kick me to the moon every day. So, when my mom dropped me off at school, I would run home and climb back into my bed before she even got back. I never told her why I came because she was already overwhelmed with so many things to take care of.
In first grade, I couldn’t understand what they were teaching. I didn’t have any friends and I was all by myself. I would hide behind a pokey bush just so I could be alone and protected by the pokeys so that the kids wouldn’t hurt me and call me names.
That teacher was really nice and she would bring me in during recesses when the kids weren’t being nice and I felt a lot of love from her.
Many times, I would go to my mom and ask her for a hug and she would push me away and tell me she was too busy. And she was. My dad gave her no help with anything, other than going to work.
Mom gave up. The house got worse. I didn’t know where to help so I gave up. I didn’t want to be home. Who wants to be in a home that nobody cared about? People judged my mom. We were “the Stephensens.” Big home, big mess. Never good enough.
After my experience at school in kindergarten, I couldn’t read, write or understand what the teacher said so they just put me in Resource. I was in Resource from second grade for the rest of my education. A second-grader in with a sixth-grader was hard. I was exposed to sexual things and didn’t know any boundaries because nobody had ever had boundaries with me.
In junior high school, I just wanted friends and to be accepted. I changed my name and I think that’s when I started learning to read and not memorize. Education has always been hard for me. Books, tests, school, that shit I don’t get. I can learn all kinds of things hands-on but I wasn’t good at school.
I didn’t understand or trust boys. They scared me. I had a friend, a girl friend, that I got very close to. I felt very close to her. We spent a lot of time together, tending kids, late nights. There was a night, I don’t remember what happened, I just know that my shirt got taken off. I woke off and my shirt was off but I have no memory of how that happened.
One time we were babysitting and I came into the room and she was touching a child that we were babysitting. I said, “What the hell are you doing?”
She said, “Oh, it’s so funny.”
It made me feel very uncomfortable. I said, “This is not okay and I want to leave.”
But that opened up something that had been done to me earlier. It made me feel weird things in my body – sexual confusion. And so, I started to masturbate more. And they talked about masturbation in Church and made me feel very guilty so I went to the Bishop and when I went in there and told him he told me I had to cut off my arm or pluck out my eye, that scripture that talks about offending you. After talking to him, I felt so dirty, bad and guilty that I wanted to commit suicide. I got in a car and tried to jump out as it was driving.
When I got home, I wasn’t close to my mom but she knew something was up. I told her. And she said, “So what? Everybody does it.”
Although I eventually learned to not feel bad about it, right after meeting with the Bishop it took me a while to be okay. I was afraid to even touch myself washing or going to the bathroom because I didn’t want to do something wrong.
Boys were confusing to me. Men were scary. So, I never dated in school. I stayed away from them. But I have an older sister that would go to institute dances and I would go with her on Thursday nights. They wouldn’t card me. That’s when I learned how to communicate with men – not boys my age, more like five years older than me. I could communicate with them. I’d dance with them and hang out with them. We’d go out to eat and stuff and I felt more comfortable with them. I felt like I could talk to them.
I was fourteen when I started going to those dances.
For four years, I went to those dances with her every Thursday night. Nobody knew how old I was. I never lied outright but I knew how to get around it. When people asked what I was doing I’d say I was going to school. I just didn’t tell them it was high school. This was the highlight of my week.
In my junior year, I met my husband. He was seven years older than me. I was sixteen. He had just gotten off his mission. I knew his younger brother and he was always so kind. He was my brother’s friend and when he would come over, something was different about him. He was unlike my dad, brothers, and uncles, maybe like my grandpa. He was loving and kind and you could feel that about him.
I got engaged my senior year at Christmas and my husband-to-be asked my dad if he could have my hand in marriage and my dad said, “as long as she graduates.”
I did graduate and right after that we were married.
I got married that July to a returned missionary in the Salt Lake City Temple by his Mission President. I thought I was doing everything right.
I lived in Ogden and I had my four girls there. Then we moved out west to Plain City and I had one more daughter and two sons. I was busy in the church, busy going to the temple, all of the callings, raising the kids, very focused in their lives as I was disintegrating.
I was looking for answers after my last son was born in 2002. I’d go to church. I’d read my scriptures. I’d say my prayers. I’d have Family Night every Monday night with the kids and I was empty. I had nothing to give. I looked for answers in self-help, energy work, anything to give me hope.
It was about 2004 when I couldn’t go to church anymore. I didn’t know why, I just knew that it didn’t feel right to me. I mentioned it to my husband-at-the-time and he wasn’t very happy. I wasn’t keeping up with my part of the bargain – marriage, celestial marriage.
So, I stopped going to church, took off my garments, bought me a bra and panties for the first time in eighteen years and felt better staying home than going to church. I invited any of the kids to stay with me, knowing that my husband had seven kids in sacrament meeting trying to function and he said, “No, they’re going.”
And he’d get up and make sure they all went.
I was starting to see this division in our marriage. I felt better being away than with him.
We always talked. We communicated. And I let him know that I thought it was time for us to divorce. He agreed. But I wanted to take the kids. He disagreed. It took me three times to leave the kids.
The first time, we got everything ready and we didn’t complete it. The second time was at Family Home Evening. We brought all the kids together and told them that we were going to get a divorce and that the kids would stay with him. All of us were crying – the kids, me – we didn’t want to say goodbye. The third time, he said, “You ain’t staying. Get the hell out. Not just now but right now.”
It was done. It had to be done and we both knew it.
How does a mother of seven kids, eighteen years of them being your everything, walk away?
I just knew I had to do it.
I wanted to take the kids but I didn’t want to take them through the court system.
We filed for divorce and the divorce was final in two weeks. When I picked up the papers, the lady said, “This must be a celestial divorce.”
I said, “Something like that.”
I was looking for truth. I was looking for answers. I ended up going to a Friends of God meeting up at Mount Pleasant.
I met some people there and ended up going to their meeting the next day, Sunday. And ended up living with them for three years. This was a polygamous group but they also practiced polyamory. I learned a lot and left there three years later.
To be continued…