This is my personal account of my journey through this lifetime as Kevin Martin and how that journey eventually brought me to the REAL TRUTH. I write this in hopes that there are people in the world who can relate to things that I have experienced. I hope that this information gives people hope in knowing they are not alone in experiencing certain things. Most of all, my hope is that my experiences can lead another to open their own mind to receiving new things. Especially those things regarding the REAL TRUTH that were given to me through Christopher Nemelka and the Real Illuminati.
I stressed a lot about how long my record is but have decided to leave it as is. I choose to do so because I am writing this record for ME and anyone who desires to read it. Each part of this history is included because it shaped me a certain way. By not giving those details in full, I feel that I am doing myself an injustice. If I were to die suddenly, this record is how I would like to share my story with the world. For those who do not want to read the whole thing, I will include a brief summary of what finding the REAL TRUTH has done for me.
It didn’t take very long after finding the truth, by reading The Sealed Portion in 2014, before my life began to change for the better. I continued reading the books that were provided by the MWAW. I could not get enough of the truth and still can’t. I cannot point to one single truth that has helped me to create this better life. By finding out the REAL TRUTH, the bad parts of my life began to fall away like dead skin. My mindset is completely different now, six years after finding the truth, than it was before I found it. I feel true peace in my heart, and I feel like I am a nice person now. Looking back on my past, I cringe when I remember the ways I used to think and judge others. I love all humans now. I respect their free will and value them as the GODS that they truly are. When I have interactions with others, I always try to remember who they REALLY are, and it helps me respond to them in the most kind and compassionate way possible. The more time that I spend in my life with the knowledge of the REAL TRUTH, the clearer it becomes to me why this world needs it. Adjusting my life to the way my TRUE SELF wants me to live has been the most joyful experience of my life. The changes I have made were easy
once I let go of my pride and was no longer afraid of the reactions of others. Along with me knowing that others are Gods, I also know that I am one. This gives me the courage to follow my own heart and my own desires. Paraphrasing the words of Jimmy Hendrix, “I am the one that has to die at the end of this life, so I get to choose how I live it.”
It is my greatest hope in this life to be able to see the Constitution of the Humanity Party come to fruition. My heart yearns for the day when humanity will view itself as individual, equal, Gods. The
greatest happiness and peace in my life comes when I see happiness in all others around me. I am highly sensitive to the emotions of others. I can only imagine how sweet the feeling will be when I know that every single human being on this Earth is safe, secure, fed, clothed, and treated with the utmost respect
and kindness according to their own free will. I pray with all the energy of my heart that ALL the billions (15.7 billion) of my friends who share this Earth will me, will come to realize that they ARE the FATHER, the SON, and the HOLY GHOST. Worlds without end. My heart is FULL of joy!
I was born in Alberta, Canada to poor LDS parents. When I was 10 days old, I had my first of three, open heart surgeries. I was born with Aortic Stenosis. That is when the Aorta valve is deformed and does not stop all the blood from going back into the heart when it closes. The doctors repaired the valve. They gave me a 50/50 chance of living. I lived!
I have never allowed my heart to be a reason that I couldn't do something that I wanted to or even didn’t want to do. I just wanted to be normal like everyone else. I was a little different though. I had a very large bump on my chest right where my heart is. Apparently, my heart was much larger than it should have been at my age. Imagine the size of a 10-year-old human, then put your computer mouse under the skin on that 10 year-old’s chest. All through my childhood we would have to go to the hospital twice a year for all sorts of test etc. I didn't care. I just enjoyed the day with mom and dad and getting a toy each-time we made the long 5 hour round trip. Throughout my life I have done everything that I have wanted to do regardless of my heart disfunction. Throughout my school years, I played a lot of rugby and football.
When I was 5 years old my family moved to a very small village of about 800 people. My mom had just given birth to my youngest blood sibling. There are 3 of us kids from my mom and dad. I had no idea we were poor. Our house was an actual historic site. It was this huge, very old building that was originally a small hotel. I think my parents paid $23,000 for it. As a 5-year-old it scared the shit out of me while entertaining me and my siblings endlessly. It had walk in closets that went the entire width, turned and then went the length of the room. Not fancy closets. Ones that were full of spiders and flies and scary stuff. We would just dare each other to go all the way to the end. We would ride on mattresses down the massive stairs. Life was so happy and careless. Dad was doing the never-ending renovation. The yard was incredible. It had many huge old trees to climb and had a giant garden with berries.
My dad was in the Bishopric (Counsellor to the Bishop) as a very young parent. Every Sunday each of us siblings would get a turn to go and sit with dad up on stage. I had no idea what this whole church thing was about nor did I care to know until one day, about age 7, a boy my age just seemed to know everything about all the prophets and blah blah blah blah blah. He was getting rewarded by the teacher and just seemed ahead of me in every way. He was also the only boy in the entire elementary school that could beat me in a foot race. I can remember having the thought that I really needed to do better at church. I look back on my life and with the glasses of real truth over my eyes, I can see that this instance was one of the first times in my life where I felt envy. I felt like I was worth less than this other boy who had memorized some useless information. This envy created feeling inside me that I didn’t feel
very comfortable with. Instead of not caring what the other boy knew and accepting that I was still equal to him in every way, I decided to learn all that he knew, and more. I now know that how I handled those feelings of envy led to feelings of pride once I learned the information and thought that now knew more
than others. This point in my life was the official beginning of my religious years. If I could do my life all over again with the same knowledge I have now, I would never allow myself to feel that envy and act upon those feelings.
I met my first friend very shortly after moving to Stirling. I rode my bike to the end of our street and saw a boy my age. We asked each other if we wanted to be friends. Both agreed. We were the beginning of a group of 5 boys that had never-ending fun. Watch the movie, The Sandlot, if you want to know what my childhood was like from a fun perspective.
When I was 10 years old, I decided that I loved to throw a baseball. We had this old tree in our yard that was massive. It was three trees but at the bottom they were all joined into one big base. This formed the perfect shape where if I hit about where the strike zone of a batter would be the tree would bounce the
ball right back to me. I ended up spending hours upon hours throwing my baseball against that tree. I became a very accurate thrower. As I would walk to school, I would pick up rocks and throw them at all the fence post and trees. Eventually I would barely ever miss, even the far throws. Next baseball season
rolled around, and I couldn’t wait to join the team. I was finally old enough to play with a real pitcher, not a machine that throws the ball. Finally, our first practice arrived. I wanted to be a pitcher so bad but since the coaches knew the older boys better, they were chosen to start the practice as pitchers. We started to scrimmage, and I was able to throw a few throws from 3rd base to 1st base. It didn’t take my coach long to ask me to see a few pitches. All the practice I had done throwing that ball against a tree paid off and I got to start the season as the starting pitcher. The season was so fun. Basically, I was living the perfect life. Nothing wrong, no worries. Then in a single moment my entire life got flipped upside
[Writing that portion of my story was very therapeutic for me. It brought back a lot of feelings and emotion for me. I remember the pure childhood joy and innocence that I felt while running around that town. I continue to reach for that level of peace and joy in my life.]
The first BIG change in my life
My mom met her best friend at a Young Women’s camp. They were both leaders. My mom has told me the story many times and she explained it something like this ... "we were eating lunch and happened to be directly across the table from each other. We both looked at each other and there was an intense feeling that we both felt. It was a familiarity, or spark." Since then I don't think they have been apart very often. I was 6 when my mom met the true love of her life. As young kids, we quickly got to know the Walton’s. There were 6 kids in that family. They became some of my best friends as well as my mom and sibling’s. We did everything together. Never, in my wildest dreams, did I think twice about my mom’s friendship. At some point the Walton’s moved a few hours away and so we would go see them on weekends.
One time we went to visit the Walton’s and just like any ole time, it was super fun. We just stayed a little longer. After a couple weeks, we were missing dad and finally mom broke the news to us kids. WE WEREN'T GOING HOME.......
All three of us just cried uncontrollably. I felt completely broken in every way. How could this be happening to us? My life was perfect, how could this be real? The next 2 years are very hard for me to remember. I hated my life. I was in a school I did not want to be in. I was going to church with new boys who were not as nice to me as the boys from my old life. Some of them bullied me badly. We lived in government housing. It was the bad area of the community. We were looked down on by some people. Every day, I just missed my old life more and more.
I do remember a few good times during those years. The Walton’s were the most amazing of friends to me and my mother and siblings. They always loved us no matter what was happening. We became brothers and sisters to them. Eventually my Moms best friend (Mrs. Walton) divorced Mr. Walton. We moved in with the Walton’s. Now it was 2 moms raising 9 children. This would be our family. Necessity brought us together, but it is not what has kept us together. We truly admire and respect each other to this day. There is not one single member of our uniquely created "family" that is alienated from the rest of the group. I feel comfortable with every single person on that side of my family. I love my MOMS and I am glad that I have those 2 Moms. That is where I learned something about who I am. I am not part of a singular family. I am part of a family that includes anyone I want it to. While I grew up, my Moms housed many people who needed a home (we lived in a 5-bedroom house) This was in addition to all 11 of us. At various points throughout my upbringing we housed 2 single moms and various young men who had been kicked out of their houses. We were where the strays came for love and acceptance. One of those single moms is now my amazing sister in law. Currently my siblings, all 9 of us, and our children only know each of us (Martin/Walton) as uncles and aunts and our kids as cousins. One time my own child went up to an elderly lady sitting on a bench and gave a her a big hug just saying, "Gwamma". We do not see others as outsiders. Everyone has worth. Thank you to my Mom’s for teaching this to me and the MWAW for reinforcing the worth of all souls in my eyes.
The courts decided that me and my blood siblings would be allowed to choose which parent we wanted to live with once we turned 12. Due to all the bullying and feeling unwelcome with the boys my age in that city and feeling horrible that my Dad was all alone, I decided to move in with Dad. To this day I am barely realizing how much I think this broke my Mom's heart. I had some anger toward mom inside of me during this time. I was angry that she took me away from my dad and my good life.
Living with Dad was AWESOME! My Dad was so happy to have someone living with him. We became inseparable. Best friends. We slept in the same bedroom just to have the company. We lived just like bachelors. I was very glad to be back in school and church with great friends. I started going through puberty at this point. We were very active at church. My Dad got EXTREMELY into church at this point in his life. I think he needed the support. Of course, I followed suit. I plunged my heart and soul into the LDS church because I saw my Dad do it. I had my second open heart surgery around this time.
One thing that I have learned about myself and my mortal genetics is that I am a very extreme person. When I decide to go a certain direction, I go fully committed. I go and do not look back. It has been a good and bad thing at points in my life.
There is one memory that I have of this period in my life that I think has had a profound effect on me for most of my life. It is only within the last 6 years that I have come to forgive myself and have realized the overall damage that I caused for myself. One night I was sleeping over at one of my best friend’s homes. He lived across the street from me. We became aroused and had a sexual experience. We did not have intercourse because we didn't understand sex at this point in our lives (12 yrs). But the experience felt good. Afterward I excused myself because I began to feel sick. I went back home and slept on the couch. For the entire night I fought with the most unbearable guilt. I was sure that I was experiencing what outer darkness/hell was like. I think I was experiencing hell. What I know now, is that the guilt was not
from the true God. It was taught to me. That night was easily one of the worst nights of my life. I believe now that hell is a state of mind. Not a place.
Up until I found the Marvelous Work and A Wonder, I believed that I was a bad person for acting upon my urges that night. I always felt ashamed. It caused many situations that were probably uncomfortable for the other person, which in turn probably hurt my relationship with them. I judged homosexuality in error because I thought my guilt came from God. I wept when I read the Sealed Portion where it talks about homosexuality. It released a burden from my soul. I never needed to forgive myself for having a homosexual experience. I forgave myself for believing that it was wrong in the first place. I forgave myself for creating in myself the most painful guilt/feeling that I have ever felt. I tortured my soul for as long as I believed that I had sinned. I was taught by others that it was wrong. I believed them. I acted upon that false belief. I still shudder at the thoughts of how I may have hurt others when I acted negatively in any way toward homosexuality. I am not homosexual at this point in my life. My wife is dead sexy in my eyes. However, I give myself permission to experiment in any way that I feel that I want to, if I desire to. I am at peace with my past beliefs regarding homosexuality. I no longer carry a burden of guilt. I see no problem in any way with homosexuality. The teachings of the Real Illuminati completely
erased my confusion and made my yoke easy, and my burden light.
The next good tragedy of my life.
When I was 13 life was going good again. I was feeling alive again. I was feeling the "holy ghost" all the time. Or so I thought. I was pitching on the baseball team again. Wow did that ever feel good.
I guess my life was just never meant to go down whatever path that was. Middle of the baseball season, AGAIN, and next thing I know my Dad has a new girlfriend. WHAT THE FUCK? He started bringing her around and next thing I know I am going to go for a visit to meet her kids. OK, NOT COOL. How can any experience be more awkward? Sure enough, there was a daughter that was 2 months younger than me. Her sons were scary as hell, to me, small town gang bangers. She had 5 children. That night I walked in on my Dad his new GF almost banging. LOL! "Time to go" I said. So that was my first meeting with my future family. A whole 3 months later my Dad married Genia. We moved to her town which was a fierce rival of my old town in sports. I had to play baseball on the rival team for the rest of the season. Worst thing ever. None of the boys liked me and they treated me exactly like I came from their rival. I quit baseball after that season.
Genia is another mom that I have grown to love and admire greatly. She loved me as any mom loves a child. She still does and I love her too. She loves my current children the same as she loves her “blood” grandchildren. I also love each one of my step siblings and their families. It is another example in my life of humans loving other humans with no blood relations. It’s not like life was easy for us. It was pure hell sometimes. We fought as siblings and Dad and Genia fought all the time. Most of us kids just couldn't
understand why they were together at all. However, I had a very good time during my teenage years. Blending families, in my experience, come with some growing pains. There were many times I felt less than other kids in the church who had families that “seemed” perfect. Over the years I have learned that looks are often deceiving. Due to the family life that I had, I have gained compassion for those who put their faith in the family unit, only to have that expectation not met when their family unit collapses. The MWAW has restored my self-worth to what it was, and much more, before my own family unit was shattered. I see all humans as valuable and worth it.
We moved to Calgary when I was 13. Dad got a good job. I am very glad it happened. I had lots of great friends and had so many good experiences throughout those years. We were strong in the LDS church during those years. Being a member of the church, at that time in my life, was good for me because it is where I met almost all my good friends during those years. I felt supported and part of a group. Albeit an exclusive group.
My other family, the Walton’s, and my mom and siblings left the church around this time in my life. I secretly loved that they left the church, but I would never admit it. When I visited down there it felt so free and just more relaxing. My mom got me drunk when I was 15. It was at a police officer’s house. LOL. It was a good time. Despite feeling good around that side of my family, I still acted superior in many ways because of the teachings of the LDS church. It led to a rough patch in my relationships with many
of those in that household. Those relationships have all been patched up, but only after I had found the MWAW and accepted its teachings into my life. Just another example of my broken life being repaired by the healing hand of the REAL TRUTH.
Guilt ruined my teenage years
Throughout my teenage years I was a very good Mormon boy. I kept the commandments, except porn and masturbation, of course. (see if you can find a teenage boy that doesn’t masturbate. SERIOUSLY) Despite keeping almost all of the commandments, I would go to church feeling very guilty every Sunday because I masturbated 45 times on Saturday. LOL, just kidding. More like 4 or 5. Those teenage hormones hit me hard. So did my guilt. I was always the President of my quorums in the church. How could I ever let my Bishop down and tell him I was masturbating? I thought I was supposed to be perfect because I was the president. So, instead of telling anyone and repenting, I just pretended like I was perfect. That is a heavy burden to carry. I continued doing everything that I shouldn't have been doing at
church because I was too "unworthy". Things like bless the sacrament and prepare it. This led to more guilt. This led to more pain to quench by using porn and masturbation. I became addicted to porn and masturbation. This then led to even MORE guilt. I would constantly promise myself that I would quit. Then I would fail. Then I would feel depressed and worthless. Then I would get pumped up again by some talk or article on repentance or whatever. Then the whole cycle would happen again. Meanwhile I looked down on those that drank alcohol or smoked. In retrospection, it was a vicious cycle for a teenager to go through. It affected me deeply. Always negatively, other than the moments I orgasmed. Really, the orgasms were the only truly good thing about the whole situation. To this very day I still have
a very good relationship with orgasms. Not 4-5 a day though. Just the right amount for me.
I never had sex during my teenage years. But damn I sure wanted to. However, I couldn't bear the thought of having to feel the unquenchable guilt again. Now that I look back, fear ran my life. I
portrayed myself like I was the perfect Mormon. I was only that way because I feared the repercussions of God. In my mind I was only sinning a little bit and that I would one day get my porn/masturbation under control and become a true disciple of Christ. My thoughts tortured me. If I could go back to that
age again with the knowledge I have now, I would live my life how I wanted without the debilitating feelings of guilt. I would have probably had sex, who knows, maybe not. But whatever I would choose to do, I wouldn’t allow guilt to be the driving factor in my life.
I regret not allowing myself to experience sex organically. It should be fun. It should be a good experience. My whole life after my homosexual experience, until I found the MWAW, was a horrible
cycle of guilt and it drove me mad. My pride and ego would not allow me to repent and heal (in my religious way at the time), but my balls and brain would not allow me to stop jerking the turkey. Was the pain coming from the masturbation and porn, as my religion would have me believe? Or was the pain coming from my supposed inability to live according to my free willed desires? Was I unnecessarily causing my own pain? Belief in a God outside of myself came from my pride and ego. I gave others control of my own agency because of my pride and ego. It was my desire to be accepted as one of the Lords elect according to the other humans who taught within my religion. My unhappiness was a symptom of the real problem. It had NOTHING to do with masturbation and porn. The problem was that I was not following the TRUE GOD. ME! My porn and masturbation addiction followed me until I found the MWAW. Once I learned the REAL TRUTH, I didn’t even have to try to get control over myself, it just happened. I no longer have a “problem” with porn or masturbation, but I still enjoy them when I decide that I want to. I really enjoy the orgasm! Its interesting to me how I was “addicted” to porn and masturbation when I was not allowed to have it, yet when it became something that was no longer “bad”, the addiction just faded away. Guilt no longer has any effect on me regarding how I act within my personal sex life. This has been a very good thing for my relationship with my wife. We now, post MWAW discovery, both view each other as individual Gods and allow each other the freedom to act how we decide. We both have whole heartedly agreed to allow the other to seek out and engage in whatever sexual act they decide. This is where my brain played a trick on me. When I believed in monogamy because it was “right”, all I ever deeply wanted was to have sex with others. But when my wife and I gave each other and ourselves permission to seek out whatever we desire, I have not, as of this point in my life, had a strong desire to find sex outside of my marriage. And the sex inside my marriage has become better. I am not saying that I will never venture outside of my marriage sexually, but it will be when I feel its right for me. Sex aside, I have learned in my life that forcing things upon our own selves isn’t natural. When I follow the true god, things feel right and natural. When I follow lucifer, I am forcing myself into situations and thought patterns that aren’t natural for me. This leads to personal unhappiness.
A notable point in my teenage years is when our family had to go to drug rehab together because my older stepbrother was a severe drug addict. I looked down on and was very angry at him for bringing that experience upon all of us. I was a dick. I hated going to that horrible place. 2 hours, 3 nights a week. My brother had to live at the program. It was up to 1 year long. The councilors were super intense, and all were, at some point in their lives, drug addicts. The councilors issues with me were that I didn't cry my eyes out at every sibling session. How the hell was I supposed to care that much and be all sad about it? I knew my stepbrother for only a year or two prior to going there, and during that time all I saw him do was cause hell for the rest of our family. He was violent, I was just glad he couldn’t be around us anymore. My brother would “death stare” me down at the group sessions. All in all, I hated it! I was angry his life choices affected me that way. In hindsight, rehab wasn't all bad for me. I did learn a hell of a lot about how people get into those types of hell-like situations in their lives. That knowledge would do me well in my life. I gained compassion for those who struggled with drug addiction, mental illness, and homelessness. I also gained a strong desire to never get addicted to drugs. I should add that my brother has overcome some huge obstacles in his life and is now a joy to be around. I love him.
I did a lot of camping and hiking through my teenage years. I was part of Scouts Canada from age 12 -18. Because of all the camping and hiking that I did as a teen I have a great love and respect for nature. I LOVE being in the wild. It is where I go to recharge my batteries. I am very grateful that I learned a lot of outdoor skills. Currently I take my family camping a lot. They all love camping too. When we go to nature the kids are so much happier. My wife is also much more at peace. Nature photography is a hobby of mine because when I am out in nature, I see nothing but beauty everywhere. I want to take every view home with me. I even like to smell my clothes after I get home from camping because I can still smell the pine, flowers, and fresh air in them. I feel a close connection to myself when I am in and around nature. All my man-made fears and cares disappear when I escape them by running to nature. I fear bears and cougars though. The MWAW has taught me that humans are the pinnacle of creation. With the right attitudes and desires, humans can turn this planet into a massive sanctuary for humanity. I yearn for the day when nature becomes again a place of absolute peace and wonder.
After I graduated from high school I immediately started working as a helper on a luxury hard wood floor crew. I was taught how to work hard by my dad, so I never have had any issue fitting in on teams that work extremely hard. Sanding and finishing those floors was very difficult, but very rewarding work. The floors would look amazing when we were done. Most of the houses we worked in were very expensive. I got to see how the rich lived. When I would have a break at work, I would always explore
the house without intruding into personal belongings. I just wanted to see the home. Some of them blew me away. They had swimming pools in them. They had the most amazing views. I even worked in the home of a billionaire. I saw that there was a very big difference between the way most live, and the way some live. This was a very stark contrast to what I was about to experience when I left on my mission. Perhaps being able to see the far ends of the spectrum of rich and poor was important for me because it showed me a glimpse into a little more of this Earth’s current reality. I was quite sheltered while growing up in the middle class.
I spent the year after graduating preparing for my mission and working. I went to a class with my bishop every single week where the boys my age, about 15 of us, would go to his house and we would have deep doctrine discussions. I absolutely loved those meetings. My mind opened to new concepts about the origin of man. Our bishop just allowed us to ask any question and then he would answer it. I thought he was smart. However, our questions were never truly answered in those meetings. But we sure felt
the “spirit of God” there with us, or so we thought. We believed that we were special because we knew the mysteries of God. Eventually I learned that I was not special in any way because of the things I learned. I learned that those things were not the REAL TRUTH. I say this because it was these types of meetings in my youth that opened the door for me to become very prideful. To think that I was more special because I had the "Priesthood of God". Why was a group of would be missionaries more important than the rest of the world? Why were we the only human’s privy to this information? Why are the temples closed to most of the world if the information that is given inside of them so important for
the salvation of all people on Earth? It all reminds me of how kids create “clubs” that are always exclusive to certain people. “No boys or girls allowed” as an example. The more I open my eyes, the
more division I see that wedges its way into humanity. I did not know at the time that I was contributing to the eventual destruction of humanity. How was I supposed to know? From the moment I was born, all I ever saw were these divisions in the human race.
My LDS Mission
I was sent to the Louisiana, Baton Rouge Mission in October of 2003. I had a lot of expectations regarding what a mission was "supposed" to be like. A lot of my friends had left to their missions and some had even finished and come back home by the time I was ready to leave. From what I could see, they came back better people, according to the church anyway. When they would speak at their homecoming talks, they seemed to be so knowledgeable about the gospel. They spoke in similar tones to how the general authorities spoke. Men who I wanted to emulate. Before my mission, all returned missionaries were just as good as Jesus in my eyes. In my mind, this meant that they were better human
beings. It’s not acceptable for any returning missionary to speak about their bad experiences during their homecoming speech. As aspiring missionaries, we did not get knowledge of the full picture of what a mission was going to be like while on a mission. My expectations were that I was going to go out and then come back a better person. A person who was going to be solid as a rock in the gospel, well on my way to being able to serve in all of the positions of the LDS church. I had looked forward to my mission
since I was 12. I am not 100% sure whether I went because I truly wanted to serve god, or whether I wanted to escape from my life and miraculously return a person with their shit together and absolutely no problems in my life. I think they are both true. After finding the MWAW I learned that it is not kind or a human to go from door to door trying to share MY religion with people who did not ask for me to come to their home. It made a lot of sense to me when I learned about the code of humanity as mentioned in the last sentence, because I never felt at peace going to random people’s homes and interrupting their life to share MY beliefs.
My mission was one of the most amazing times in my life when I look back on it through the glasses of real truth and see what it ACTUALLY did to me. It changed me. But how? Here are some thoughts about my mission.
When I was in the MTC I ended up being the Assistant to the President in my group. Boy, I thought I was sure righteous. I thought God really must like me and what I am doing. I must have prepared properly. For sure I thought I was destined for great things in the "kingdom of God/ LDS Church". I made some
very good friends in the MTC. One thing that really shook me though, and it doesn't seem like that big of deal, was when I heard other missionaries complain about the food there. I just could not comprehend why they would complain about a literal BUFFET of almost anything you could want. FOR FUCK SAKES, we had chocolate milk and ice cream on tap. How ignorant I would think? They would receive freshly baked trays of cinnamon buns that their moms baked and then dropped off at the MTC. What spoiled
fucking brats!! Not because they got buns, but because this was what they expected. I was here to serve the Lord, leave your moms at home and let’s get going is how I thought. Sadly though, this hurt my self-esteem. I felt like I was less than them. I felt like my parents didn't love me as much because they didn't drive me to the MTC. I left them in Canada and went to Utah on my own. Anyway, that whole situation left me with a feeling and judgment in my mind that I never could fully shake off until the very end of
my mission. One of those examples of me going 100% full in. Other people like to wade slowly into water and dip their toes in first. Not me. I decide what I am going to do and then cannon ball right on in. I have since learned that it is totally ok for me to do that, but everyone else can do it their own preferred way, if at all. I think what moved me the most about the way that the missionaries were at the MTC was the fact that not everyone was as interested nor committed to bringing souls to the truth as I was. How could that be? The only returned missionaries I have ever seen were just amazing missionaries. Or were they? Was I? What is an amazing missionary? Was what I thought was a very good endeavor really, truly a good thing? Questions which the answer, has changed for me over the years.
When I arrived in Baton Rouge, I did not sleep at all the first night. I had never felt humidity like that. I had never been that far away from home. Things looked a lot different than I had pictured in my head. I wasn't sure anymore if my mission was going to be like those videos that the church produces where the missionaries were walking down sun filled streets with smiles on their faces talking to sincerely interested people. The shock was only beginning. I found out where my first area was going to be. I was
assigned to work with Elder Ogden (from Orem) in an area called Gretna, on the west bank in New Orleans. COOL! I thought.
Moving from Calgary to New Orleans is a huge culture shock. Even though I was in America, I couldn't believe it was America. America is supposed to be the wealthiest nation on Earth, right? Well, if it is, my mission showed me the exact opposite of wealth. I spent the next 2 years living in what I would consider a 3rd world country. The poverty was, and still is, incredible there. Keep in mind this is BEFORE hurricane Katrina ripped that area to pieces. I was totally a fish out of water for the first 4-5 months. I was
incredibly home sick. No one gave a shit about what I wanted to share. Some hated us. I was a white person walking around in some of the poorest, predominantly black, communities in the US where gangs were the real bosses. We were in suits and tie. I never felt in physical danger during my entire mission. Not sure why, because I was in areas that people would judge as dangerous to white people. I saw some things. Lots of things that my eyes had never imagined seeing before my mission. I had never done drugs, had sex, swore, or did really anything else. How could I connect to the people? I was lost.
We worked very hard. My trainer was a drill sergeant. We kept every single rule to perfection. I got terrible bronchitis my first month there because it rained so much that everything was flooded. We walked around in ankle deep water constantly. I was never dry. Despite me being very sick, I was not allowed to have down time. I even called the Mission Mom and she would not let me have down time. WOW! Upon retrospection, that is total fucking bull shit. Oh well, obviously I thought I would be fine
because I was on the “Lords errand.” After feeling like death, and maybe wanting it a bit, I got well, and the rains stopped drenching us. I was still not feeling at home in Louisiana. Was it because of Louisiana that I wasn’t feeling at home, or was it because of what I was doing in Louisiana? Now that I have a completely different perspective (new eyes) to look through, I know that I didn’t feel good there because I was doing something that was not in line with my true, eternal, goals. I was on another person’s errand. I was trying to fulfill my own purpose in life by following another human’s goals. This “follower” attitude was something that I would continue to embrace for quite some time.
At 3 months I was transferred to a new area that was a more rural setting. This area became one of my favorite places on my mission. It is called Bogalusa. It was previously a booming lumber town with a population of about 50,000, which crashed economically, and now has the population of about half of that. Those numbers are my personal estimates. It was a very odd place. Lots of abandoned homes. Lots of poverty. While there, I started to have extreme bouts of depression. I would be fine one minute, and then it was like a tornado or pure sadness, misery, and darkness would overcome me. My thoughts would wander to horrible and lonely places. I planned my escape many times. Canadian Pacific Railway cars would always be running along the tracks. I figured if I just hopped on one that it would eventually
get me back to Canada. This depression was brutal. I had never experienced anything like it. So, I got medicated. Around the same time, I became a senior companion. That meant that I got to do things MY WAY. I'm not sure if it was the medication or the change in partnership that helped me. It was probably being able to do things MY WAY that made life much better for myself.
Doing things my way is how I liked it. Who doesn't, right? Instead of being a slave to the rules, I was led by “the spirit”. The way I thought it was supposed to be. I was pretty good at keeping the rules, but if I thought there was something more important to the Lord, than the rules, I would break them. Many times, I felt like certain situations were too important to get home on time, or to make sure another male was present. If it meant bringing a soul to Christ, fuck the rules. I was sure that Jesus would have never cared about the rules. I thought my heart was pure. I thought I wanted the same things that Christ did. The truth is, I started following my own heart. I slowly started to allow my own personality to shine again. I became happy again. I began to LOVE the people around me. All I wanted was to bring every single human toward the happiness of the gospel of Jesus Christ. People who we visited with noticed it. People loved me too. I never sat and tried to shove certain topics down a person’s throat. I conversed with them like a normal and kind person. We would joke and laugh, play music on any instrument I happened to find in their homes, and just generally be nice to everyone. I started to have a lot of baptism success. People trusted me.
I see things a lot differently in my present life, but I thought I must be doing something right. In the MTC we began to get brainwashed regarding how to properly pray and ask God for things. We were supposed to be extremely detailed with specific numbers etc. Really??? Now it just sounds ridiculous to me. Anyway, I made a covenant with God that I would baptize 24 people. 2 per month sounded reasonable. I can tell you now that there is no way I would have picked 24 if I had been on my actual
mission, post MTC, even for 1 week before I made that "covenant". For the area I served in, that number is very high compared to the average. Our mission got around 600 baptisms in a year. That would be an average of around 3 baptisms per person per year, or 6 per companionship per year. I finished my mission with exactly 24 baptism’s, and I did not find that out until after my mission when I finally added them all up. WIERD!!! Because I was having success, I figured the Lord was happy with what I was doing. Having learned some things through the MWAW, I now know that this success had nothing to do with anything but the hard work that I was putting in and the mind sets of the human beings that I was seeking out. The TRUE GOD had nothing to do with any of it. I was NOT being rewarded by anyone other than my own pride and ego.
Even though I wasn't tracking my baptisms during my mission, I knew I was doing well. I knew that I was a good missionary in the Lord’s eyes. I stopped listening to what I was being taught by the leaders of the mission. My way worked so much better. I had passion and love for the people I was there to serve. But I came to find out the hard way, that the real agenda of the Church was not to have us missionaries acting like true disciples of Jesus, it was to turn us into obedient machines who would later in life be the
"LEADERS" who would never stray away from the rules no matter what was actually right. I always felt like the mission pushed for numbers more than souls. It always bothered me that we would be told to not worry too much about the very poor areas because the people in those areas usually just joined the church to get their bills paid, and other things paid for. So was the church in it for souls, or just money? It was looked down upon for us to baptize too many people from the areas suffering from poverty. I did not care. Deep down I knew the real god would not ever care about the wealth of any individual. I personally gravitated toward the poorer areas because that is where I would find the highest
concentration of humble and kind people.
Not only did it bother me that we were told to avoid the poor neighborhoods, but I also learned that there were selfish politics alive within the ranks of the mission. It was a P-day (preparation day, the only time we could do anything personal. It was only half a day long. AGAIN RIDICULOUS!!!) and as a district (4 missionaries) we went mountain biking in a beautiful area near a river. We got very muddy and had tons of fun. We ended up having a mud fight. By "we", it was me and the 2 other missionaries that were
not my companion. My companion did not participate at all. He didn't even get out of his costly apparel to have fun with us. He just sat nearby reading his Book of Mormon or something. What a great day I had. About 2 weeks later I get a call from the AP's (Assistants to the President) asking me why I went swimming. (it is strictly against missionary rules to swim). WTF? "I never went swimming", I told them the truth. How on Earth would they think I went swimming? Well, here is the kicker. My companion wasn't just sitting and innocently reading the Book of Mormon, he was waiting to catch us doing something that had the appearance of evil so that he could fuck me over. He sent the AP's a picture of
me and the 2 other missionaries standing knee deep in the river wearing only our garments (Mormon underwear) while we were washing the mud off us. And the AP's believed him. No matter what I said, they would not believe me. Despite having no actual evidence that we swam. From that moment on I was never promoted to another leadership position in the mission. THAT PISSED ME AND MY EGO OFF!! I stewed for weeks about being taken advantage of. Me and that companion NEVER got along but lying about me just to make himself look good was a real dick move. I was also very hurt that my mission president, who I thought should be inspired enough to know I was truthful, believed my companion over me. Perhaps my “right before rules” attitude caught up with me. This was the first time that I began to
see that there were some fundamental differences between what I felt was truly good and right versus what the church wanted me to do.
All of that happened to me while I was 1 year or so into my mission. The rest of my mission was still great, although very different than the first half. I decided that it was expected that human beings make mistakes, including wrongly judging people for going swimming. However, the rest of the normal people in my mission did nothing wrong and still deserved to hear the gospel through me. After this point I literally stopped caring about the rules of my mission. Why should I? Not like it ever did me any good to keep them. I would put on a show for the rest of the mission, but for the most part, me and my companions (who are still friends of mine and I know a few have left the church) just did our own thing. We would listen to music and watch movies. I still loved the people that I met on the streets of Louisiana. That never changed. Still hasn't. Just like those orgasms when I was a teen, only the truly good part of me endured through all these years. I still have such a strong love for people. I learned to love ALL people while in Louisiana. When I remember my mission, I rarely think about the religious parts of it. The parts that I remember the most are the people I met. I also remember Louisiana and how
beautiful and unique that part of the world is. I am grateful I spent 2 years there.
The last thing that I would like to mention about my mission happened near the end of it. I was living in New Orleans at the time this all happened. Hurricane Katrina hit. We were whisked away to safety in Baton Rouge. I think we spent about a week living with another set of missionaries. We had a zone conference at that time with the entire mission so that we could discuss how our areas were going to change etc. I never got assigned an area though. WHAT? I thought there must be a mistake. After the
meetings were all done, I got a call from the mission president. He told me that there was a reason I did not get an area. He wanted me to take 5 other missionaries into New Orleans for the remainder of my mission. I think I had 2 or 3 weeks left. Wow! I was excited. We were basically told to go to Walmart and
get the food we would need and then, in the middle of the night, we were to head toward New Orleans. We left during quiet hours in hopes that we could avoid the police check points along the way who were not allowing anyone into the city.
It was very creepy driving there. There were no lights anywhere. NONE. We came over an overpass and should have seen the city of Thibodaux but all we could see were blue and red flashes where the police were in the city. We kept moving toward New Orleans. We had plans to go the back routes to our house but apparently our plans sucked because we turned a corner and boom, there was a checkpoint. We proceeded up the police officer. We were in 3 identical cars and all of us had our missionary clothes on. I think the officer must have thought we were FBI or something because he didn't even talk to us, he just
waved us through into New Orleans.
We spent the last weeks of my mission trying to help anywhere we could. People were very wary of us though. There were a lot of people who were pretending to be service workers and would then get into houses and rob them. We were told that we could only help members of the church. BARF! That's not what I wanted to do. I wanted to find the hungry people and feed them. I wanted to find those without clothing and clothe them. I wanted to do what Jesus would do if he was there. Instead I pulled wet insulation out of the bishop’s attic. While people were dying, that is what the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints had their boots on the ground doing. Deep inside of me I was feeling a lot of cognitive dissonance. My soul told me that a truly Christlike religion would be doing anything in their power to alleviate the struggles of the neediest among us. This was not the case. They did nothing that I could see, until much later.
I did see a lot of stuff while in New Orleans after the hurricane. I saw what devastation looks like. I have a better idea what the world will look like if things truly fall apart on this planet. I know what things will be hoarded first. I know that people will hurt each other out of fear. I know that trust in fellow humans will lack overall. I have seen it. Fear will motivate everything at that point. I took many pictures of my time in New Orleans after hurricane Katrina. Unfortunately, those pictures all got taken from me when I went through customs on my way home to Canada. After my time in New Orleans I went home to Calgary, Alberta, Canada.
Post Mission, Pre MWAW
I came home from my mission feeling like a completely different person than I was 2 years prior. I felt ready to take on the world and make a difference. Since I was now a coveted "returned missionary", I would be able to marry a dead sexy, staunch, Mormon girl and create the perfect "eternal family" and live happily ever after. I had conquered the mission mountain and now I was going to stand at the top for the rest of my days looking down at all the world. That is how it works right? WRONG!!!! For me anyway.
My parents had moved to St. George, Utah while I was on my mission. I went home to Calgary, did my homecoming talk at church, and then shortly after we flew to St. George to start my new, perfect, life.
While in St. George (which is a beautiful place) I went to Dixie State College. To pay for school I had to work. But only my dad was legally allowed to work in the USA. Well, I knew a lot of other people worked illegally in the USA, so why couldn't I? I went and found work as a framer, working alongside several other humans who were also working illegally. They were Mexican and I was Canadian. They all joked with me about how things would go down if a US immigration officer ever showed up on site. We would laugh about how the “Mexicans” would all go running and I would just pretend like nothing was wrong. It was funny coming from the good spirited people who were in that very situation, but looking back, it’s not funny at all. It’s extremely racist and evil that those human beings, based only on their birth genetics, would get targeted and not me, because of my birth genetics. I was just as illegal as they were. It was an eye-opening experience for me to see, firsthand, what is was like for a human being who had
to work illegally to make ends meet. I tried to get a social security number and to do everything the right way, but the USA is not an easy place to survive within the bounds of the law if you are not a citizen. Being a white person made it easier for me. That is called inequality.
I met a girl in St. George who I got engaged with. She is a great human being. We had a lot of fun and really felt a lot of love for each other, but her parents HATED me. I was not the kind of man their daughter was supposed to marry. Yes, I was a returned missionary who was fully committed to the church, but that was not enough for them. They required the man to be successful financially. They lived in a very expensive area called Alpine, Utah. For them to maintain that quality of life, her dad had 3 jobs. 3 FUCKING JOBS!!! When I went to their house to sit down with her parents and ask them if I could marry their daughter, they were not shy about their displeasure with me. Her mom called me a dirty, illegal, Mexican. Her dad told me in no uncertain terms that I was expected to have 3 jobs, if necessary, to give their daughter the life she deserves. They didn't give a shit about how nice I was to her. They didn't care about how happy she was with me. All they cared about was money and status. This did not sit well with me at all. About 2 or 3 months later their family went to Hawaii. It was during the summer break for college. My mind was racing. I just had to get away from my fiancé and her family. I was too
nice of a person to break her heart in person. I could not do it. I would just give in to her wants if she was present. While they were in Hawaii, I packed my stuff and left Utah to move back to Canada. I quit school. I was thinking about doing dental or medical school after Dixie State. I just ran away from it all. I could not fathom living in Utah, near her parents for the rest of my life. We spoke a bit over the phone over the next few months. Eventually, because of my lack of dating success in Alberta, we decided to get back together. I was going to drive back down to Logan, UT, where she was in school. BUT, unbeknownst to me, my life had other plans for me.
I am going to step back a little while to a day about 2 months prior to deciding that I would get back together with my ex fiancé, that I did not know until later would have a profound impact on my future life. I was living in Alberta after I left Utah. I went to a single adult study group where there were about 150 single adults attending. After the meeting I was standing by myself in the hallway at the church. I saw a woman walk by. I experienced something completely new to me at the time. Everything in my
universe paused when I saw her. It was like she was walking in slow motion. Every cell in my body felt drawn to her. I thought that I should go and talk to her. I did not talk to her. I was too scared. She walked away and that was it. I didn't see her again for a while.
Jump back to deciding to get back together with my ex. The day after I had made plans to get back together with my ex, I went to a get together for single adult Mormons. It was a talent show and I was going to play the guitar and sing. I sat down on a chair and visited with someone on the next row ahead. When I leaned back to my chair there was a beautiful blonde hottie sitting next to me!!!! I instantly introduced myself and sat with her for the talent show. After the show I invited her to a movie with me and my roommates and their girlfriends. She approved and since then we have been in love. Later she told me that she felt a strong pull toward me and had tried to corner me a few times, but it never
worked out. It was after we were married that I remembered that moment at the study group where I saw that girl and my universe stopped. IT WAS HER!! I could only remember the sweater that the girl was wearing at the time. It was a sweater that she still had when we got married.
Prior to my wedding we were in the process of planning our temple marriage when the next big moment of my life played out. My second fiancé (now wife) was in a bishop’s interview trying to deal with some things in her past so that we could get married in the temple. I was waiting in the foyer. She came out of the office sobbing. I asked her what was wrong, and she explained that someone told the bishop that she had been pregnant from her last boyfriend and that she aborted the baby. I asked her if it was true and she said it was not. The bishop would not accept her story. He kept pushing her to tell the truth, blah blah blah. Remember my mission when I got framed? THIS ALSO PISSED ME OFF!!!! I marched into that bishop’s office with her and unloaded on the bishop. I'm pretty sure I was even swearing in his office. (oh my god, I mean gosh) I guess I don't like it very much when people are falsely accused of things.
When I look back now on these events in my life, I see them each like they are the chisel of GOD taking pieces off the main block of granite. Each experience shaped me in a certain way. Prepared me to eventually allow the REAL craftsman to take control of the shaping of my stone. But I still wasn't yet ready to give up my own ideas yet. I wasn't ready yet to give up what I thought was truth, YET. GOD was going to have to still take out some big chunks of stone before I would be ready.
My current wife and I did not get married in the temple. We had sex. But weirdly I did not feel at all guilty this time. I felt at peace with it. The morning after, we woke up and she was sure I was going to run away. Nope, I loved her, and I was not going to start my sex life by being that guy. To this day, she is the only person that I have ever had intercourse with.
I got married in 2007 when I was 22. Still as prideful as ever, I would find out. Over the course of my marriage from the first weeks until the present I can literally see how my wife and I grew together by looking back at the number of fights, severity, and frequency through the years. We have been married for almost 14 years as of 2020. The numbers have changed substantially from 2007-Present. We used to fight all the time (my pride and probably some of hers too). Now we rarely ever fight. We have learned how to say sorry. We have learned how to let the other person have the win. We have learned how to communicate. Marriage has changed me a great deal and I feel it is something that has been good for me over the long run. It forced me to let go of my ego. I don't necessarily think that those things can only be learned through marriage, or that marriage can make a person any happier than another. But this is my story and I chose to get married, so it’s the only thing I really know.
I chose to get married because I thought it was the right thing to do. It is what I was taught from a very young age. From my earliest memories I remember learning about how "families are forever" and the importance of getting "sealed" in the temple. These teachings came directly from the LDS church, through my parents, to me. They teach that those who do not fulfill that requirement will not be able to reach the "highest degree of the celestial kingdom". There is A LOT of pressure put on the youth in the LDS church to be a certain way. To prepare yourself for marriage. To prepare yourself for being parents. They have classes dedicated, outside of church services, specifically for this purpose. Well, I sure could not understand, when I first got married, why it wasn't pure and utter bliss. In my mind I thought that it was because we had "sinned" and got married outside of the temple. For the first year I just kept thinking that things would get better once we get sealed in the temple. Then the Lord would pour his blessings out on us. We got sealed just over a year later. Things did not change even though we put our temple marriage pictures up all over the house, etc. We still fought. Oh well, I was sure that when we have kids, we will be able to finally be happy. Something along those lines. Even after my mission, where I learned to trust myself over the ideas of others, I still fell back into the pattern of relying on an outside source to provide me with happiness. I still believed that there was a higher power that would give and take away as it saw fit. I allowed myself to be acted upon by those beliefs. I was waiting for God to fix my life. We let many things come between us through the first years of our marriage. We allowed ourselves to be led by others rather than being the Gods of our own existence. This other way of living was not working very well for us. We were submitting to something other than ourselves true desires and needs. But I wasn’t smart enough to figure out that I was the problem all along. God just wanted us to go through these trials and struggles.
This part is going to be one of the hardest parts of this entire story for me to write. I do not want any person who reads this to think badly of either party involved. Situations happen, feelings happen,
actions happen. Forgiveness is always an option. One day my wife and I had a fight. I think it was because I bought her a new washer and dryer for Christmas and she did not like that I did it. Anyway,
she and I were yelling at each other and it was not nice. At some point she started hitting me. She started slapping me in the face and head. Now, I had been taught from a very young age that hitting a woman was to NEVER happen and that if I did, I would probably burn in hell. Well, I just snapped. I couldn't take being treated that way. Yelling was one thing, but laying hands on me, sent me into rage. I only slapped her one time, but it was hard enough to let her know that I was VERY unhappy. I had never
hit someone out of anger in my entire life, up to that point. The look on her face was horrible to see. It cut me deep. She sobbed. I was horrified that I had done that.
We moved on together, but I was sure that something between us was lost at that moment. I thought that she would never be able to trust me again. Anyway, that wasn't the only time it happened. There were a couple of other times through the years where she would become violent with me and I would react. I ended up with a couple black eyes where her wedding ring hit me. I had to lie to others when they would ask how I got a black eye. When I would get physically attacked, I would not be able to control myself. I would fight back. Not once did I ever initiate violence, but that doesn't mean its ok for me. My conscience would not allow me to accept it.
I got cut from a police recruitment because I told them the truth about our domestic life during an interview. The police really liked me, and I am pretty sure I would have been accepted if I had never laid a hand on my wife. It did not matter that I was reacting in that situation. It was a hard pill for me to swallow, especially since I am not normally a violent person at all. For a long time afterward, I felt like I was not a good person. I felt like I was just like all the other woman abusers in the world. A lot less good
than my best friend who was a police officer. Looking back, I needed that slap in the face from my life. I needed a reality check. I was a proud person who thought I was “special” because I held the priesthood of God, was sealed in the temple of God, and was highly favored by God because I was a Mormon. This showed me that I was not perfect, and my conscience agreed. I could not justify harming another human being, no matter how awesome I thought I was. I felt cognitive dissonance in my life regarding this until I found the MWAW and was able to forgive myself. I felt it because I was in the LDS church and I would never allow myself to feel or believe what I needed to believe about myself. While I was Mormon, I would run each of my thoughts through the filters that I had built in my mind, taught to me by the Mormon church, before accepting them. I thought that if my thoughts did not fit within the confines of the teaching of the church, then they were not good. There was nothing in the teachings of the church
that could send me peace regarding this situation. I knew on a deep level that I had messed up, but instead of forgiving myself and moving on, I would just send those thoughts to the "deal with later" folder in my mind. This left me feeling a lot of guilt for years. Since finding the MWAW my guilt has left me. I feel no guilt at all for anything that I have done in the past. I have learned those things that I ACTUALLY NEEDED and were missing from my life experience when these events transpired.
I have learned that we are all equal, eternal, GODS. There is nothing that another can do that isn't "right" for them. Even if it is wrong for me. They are Gods who are living in THEIR universe, how can I say anything different? I am just a character in their life. I have also learned that I am in COMPLETE control of my life and have the free will to choose how to act. There is no God above me. I am fully responsible for what I have done and will do in my life. That truth alone changed my life substantially. My heart is full of gratitude that there is REAL TRUTH available on this Earth. I need it. I need it desperately.
In early 2009 we had our first child. WOW, what an experience. It is sure humbling to see a helpless baby human who I am responsible for providing, not only the necessities of life, but also a foundation of happiness for. I felt overwhelmed and very underqualified. However, my wife and I managed to fumble through parenthood the best we could. All I am going to say about my children is this. I love them more than almost anything in this world. When I was a Mormon, I felt much pride in the fact that these were MY children and would be forever and ever. I wanted to make sure they would be raised as righteous members of Gods kingdom on Earth. There was a lot of pressure for a parent to make sure their kids are active members of the Mormon church throughout their lives. If your kids leave the church, parents feel
a lot of guilt and failure. These feelings are taught by that church. Lots of parents justify their children’s free willed behaviors by saying, “its ok, we are sealed. Because we are sealed, I will go to the depths of Hell and bring my children back to heaven with me.” Never once, did I hear a Mormon say this, “I wonder if my children have found something better or something that makes more sense than the Mormon church.” This type of thought pattern was strictly forbidden and was enforced by the Church through denying any member a “temple recommend” if they have any affiliation with any group that opposes the teaching of the LDS Church. If I were to admit to a bishop that I follow the teachings of the Real Illuminati, I would be swiftly denied access to the temples. If I didn’t admit it, I would be manipulated to feel a lot of guilt for it. Parents who are members of the church sometimes feel a lot of unnecessary guilt and misery because they are taught to judge the actions of their children. In the years following my discovery of the MWAW I have grown to love my children even more than I did before. I respect them as the individuals that they are and appreciate their own uniqueness. I have learned that my children are not mine, but that they are God’s unto themselves. I used to find that it was hard to love other people’s children as I love my own. That has changed. Now I understand that I would have just as much affection toward any human on Earth if I raised them from a baby. I also allow my children freedom to choose for themselves the things on Earth that they want to pursue. The only strict rule in our home is this: You can do anything you want, if it does not take away peace from our home. If it takes away from another’s peace, then you must change the behavior. That rule goes for the adults as it does the children. We teach our children that happiness as a group is achieved by following the teachings
taught by Christ in the Sermon on the Mount. We fail all the time. But we gladly pick ourselves back up and keep trying. We try not to allow ourselves to hold any grudges and try hard to forgive others as quickly as possible. Doing these things has turned our house into a very comfortable place to live for all who live there. Each of my children are quick to express their love and appreciation toward us. What they don’t know yet fully, is how we know how to create a home so full of love and peace. As they age,
they are beginning to learn that it is ONLY through the teachings of the MWAW that our home has been transformed from a place that used to foster unhappiness to a place of peace and love.
The next place I did not find true happiness
While I grew up, I was always taught by my parents and peers that making lots of money was very important to the happiness of an individual. I believed them. I could see with my own eyes that people who had more money, had more fun and varying experiences. I equated fun and money with happiness. Because of this belief I put most of my energy as a 20-30-year-old into making lots of money. Most of my thoughts, pursuits, and choices were directed by making money. I was a hard worker and ended up
making a decent amount of money. However, I was a very poor money manager. This led to a lot of debt which caused us to live beyond our means. We kept needing to make more money to support our lifestyle. This led to stress and unhappiness when that money was hard to come by. I am pretty sure that most of my marital arguments, for those years, were about money.
In my pursuit of money, I stopped using my common sense. I was trapped. Either I make a lot of money, or I fail as a person in this world and become poor. I followed my uncle, who owned the company I worked for, all around Alberta. We all wanted to be rich. I put a lot of trust in my uncle and believed that he would have my back no matter what. How wrong I was.
At some point as we were traveling all over the place in search of money, I started to have very slight doubts about certain things regarding the Mormon church. I could see inconsistencies in teachings and the history that was being published. The more I dug for the answers to these questions, the more inconsistencies I would find. Very subtly I started letting go of my faith in the Mormon church. But some of the parts of the church seemed to be truly good. Something that I figured must have come from God. The Book of Mormon was one of those things that I couldn’t let go of. And, despite all my searches I could not find anything that was conclusively bad about Joseph Smith. From that time forward I began to come to different conclusions about the truth than the church was teaching. I allowed my mind to breach the box that I was told to live within. I officially started my search for truth. This was about 2011.
In 2012 my uncle began secretly having an affair, which led his life into all sorts of turmoil. I had no idea what was happening. He moved to another city to try and get the business going there. While he was living away from his workers I had covered a few of the expenses of the company with my own money which I was promised back. All in all, it was probably about $8,000.00 that I was owed. I wasn’t worried about it. I was sure my uncle would pay me back. He also owed my dad a large sum of money. One day my uncle invited my dad and I into his office so we could iron out the details of paying us back. At this time, he asked us if we would like to use that money to buy in as partners in ownership of the company. He promised us the ability to make a lot more money as co-owners. Because my dad and I trusted my uncle, we agreed. My uncle brought in the paperwork from the federal business registry so that we could sign. “Wow”, I thought, “I was going to be a business owner. Finally, I was going to be rich and
During this time, my wife had been getting more and more worried about the situation with my uncle. She tried talking to me many times about her fears and I ignored her. I thought that there is no way she knew what she was talking about. I even had a dream around this time that showed me that my uncle was worthy of my trust. I believed the dream to be personal revelation.
A few months went by and then one day my uncle brought us back into the office to give us the news that the paperwork was completed and that we were now partners in ownership of the company. He also told us as a side note, that he was no longer an owner and was stepping away from the company.
That was never part of the plan. As far as me and my dad knew, we were becoming partners with my uncle. We also came to find out that the company finances were in shambles. We had jobs that had not even started yet that had no money left to be paid to our company. My uncle had left us his huge problem. My dad and I had been duped! The hardest few years of my life commenced at that moment.
I spent the next 2-3 years completely broke, dealing with lawsuits, and generally being VERY unhappy. Looking back, this was the chisel “of God” (the real me) knocking more large pieces off the old block. These trials were the hardest I had ever been through.
During these most unhappy times, I tried to become closer to God so that he would allow me to be affluent again. In my mind, if I buckled down harder to the things God wants me to do, then I will be blessed again with riches and peace. I fasted and prayed often. I went to the temple often. I paid full tithes despite not even being able to pay my own bills. The church bought us groceries and paid our rent a few times. But we weren’t doing any better. If anything, my happiness level just kept declining over those few years. I remember one day just sobbing to my wife. I remember saying to her, “how could this world treat the least among us so badly? How come there are babies all over this planet starving? What
is wrong?” My mind was beginning to bend in a way that was different than my past thinking patterns. Despite me feeling horrible about my situation in life, I still cared deeply about others who may have been suffering even more than me. I had not cried in a very long time. That chisel that the true master was using to carve my stone was breaking some sensitive parts off my stone. The pressure I was under was cracking me. My shell was cracking, and I was beginning to feel things that I hadn’t felt since I was a
child. I felt compassion. I cried again. My mind was beginning to be willing to learn new things again. For months I dug and dug for answers. Mostly I just prayed for Jesus to come and see me and deliver HIS words directly to me. I started to become humble and willing to listen to whatever the Lord wanted me to hear. It took me 2 – 3 years of constant suffering to finally give up on what everything else was telling me to do. None of it was working for me. Now, I just wanted to know the REAL TRUTH.
Happiness came when I was ready to receive it
My wife and kids went to visit family one weekend. It was August 2014. I was 30 years old. During that time alone I searched the internet for anything that would be able to bring me peace. I knew that the Book of Mormon had prophesied of the Sealed Portion coming in the latter days. I searched Google for “Sealed Portion” and found a video of Ida Smith talking about finding the Sealed Portion of the Book of Mormon. She talked about how it completely changed her view on life and on the Mormon Church. She left the church after reading it. What gave me courage was that Ida was a very prominent Mormon. She was personal friends with some members of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. She also knew Utah politicians. I thought that for a prominent Mormon like her to leave the church, the Sealed Portion must
really have some special information. I decided to read the Sealed Portion. I started reading it that weekend despite being a little nervous because the book was not brought forth by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I also saw a few negative things on the internet about the person who wrote the Sealed Portion. Each time these worries would creep into my mind, I remember thinking, “by their fruits shall ye know them. It’s not about the messenger, it’s about the message.” I read and read and read and read. I couldn’t put the book down. It seems like at least 100 times my mind was blown by the things I read. Somehow, I felt like I was remembering this information rather than reading it for the first
time. That book changed my life. I have never been to church since I read it. It was the beginning of my new life. A life guided by Real Truth, rather than the “philosophies of men mingled with scripture.” I remember going for late night walks around my community with such an excitement in my soul. My heart rejoiced.
One day, shortly after reading the sealed portion, my wife and I decided to sit down together and get rid of everything in our lives that was causing us any amount of misery. We were done feeling horrible. We had to do something, or our lives were going to completely crumble. I remember writing down a list of things that created unhappiness. That list included Church, my dad, and lots of members of our family. We decided that we would give ourselves 6 months to decide if removing those things made a positive difference in our lives. The time came and went and we both agreed that we would never go back to church again. Most of the people we took time away from have reconnected with us, but more on our terms, and they accept us for who we have chosen to become. We each took control of our lives for the first time since we were children.
Thus, my life began to change for the better. I continued reading the books that were provided by the MWAW. I could not get enough of the truth and still can’t. It did not take long at all after finding the REAL TRUTH, for me to notice that my life was getting better. By finding out the REAL TRUTH, the bad parts of my life began to fall away like dead skin. My mindset is completely different now, six years after finding the truth, than it was before I found it. I feel true peace in my heart, and I feel like I am a nice
person now. Looking back on my past, I cringe when I remember the ways I used to think and judge others. I love all humans now. I respect their free will and value them as the GODS that they truly are. When I have interactions with others, I always try to remember who they REALLY are, and it helps me respond to them in the most kind and compassionate way possible. The more time that I spend in my life with the knowledge of the REAL TRUTH, the clearer it becomes to me why this world needs it. Adjusting my life to the way my TRUE SELF wants me to live has been the easiest and the most joyful experience of my life. The changes I have made were easy once I let go of my pride and was no longer
afraid of the reactions of others. Along with me knowing that others are Gods, I also know that I am one. This gives me the courage to follow my own heart and my own desires. Paraphrasing the words of Jimmy Hendrix, “I am the one that has to die at the end of this life, so I get to choose how I live it.”
Life has not been perfect since finding the REAL TRUTH. I have learned that I really know nothing. It has been a process for me to relearn how to live according the most basic code of humanity. I have been reminded many times when my pride began to creep back into my mind. I have had to force myself to think rather than act upon my feelings. When my ego gets hurt, I instantly feel anger or depression. These feelings remind me that I am feeling pride. When I recognize this, I am now much more capable of
acting in a way that will bring me peace rather than following my ego into darkness. So many tools have been provided to me by the True Messenger of the MWAW. These tools enable me to see life and myself for what it really is. These tools enable me to maintain happiness amidst a crazy world that seems dedicated to creating hell for everyone.
It is my greatest hope in this life to be able to see the Constitution of the Humanity Party come to fruition. My heart yearns for the day when humanity will view itself as individual, equal, Gods. The
greatest happiness and peace in my life comes when I see happiness in all others around me. I am highly sensitive to the emotions of others. I can only imagine how sweet the feeling will be when I know that every single human being on this Earth is safe, secure, fed, clothed, and treated with the utmost respect
and kindness according to their own free will. I pray with all the energy of my heart that ALL the billions (15.7 billion) of my friends who share this Earth will me, will come to realize that they ARE the FATHER, the SON, and the HOLY GHOST. Worlds without end. My heart is FULL of joy and peace! I found the treasure. I am finally happy.
Peace to you
Feel free to contact me if you would like. I am open to speak with anyone as long as that person doesnot try to push their own opinions upon me.