My name is Kristen. My close friends call me Kissn or Kissn poodle. (Because I”m kissable and I have naturally curly hair. )
I want to open you up to who I am, or at least parts of me, so you can see who I’ve become through my lens and how my experiences have shaped my reality in this world.
I’ve been asked to share things only “God knows”. What do I hold inside my mind that no one else knows? Some things I would like to share, in hopes that others may feel comfortable within their own skin also. I want to eliminate the shame, guilt and stigma that stuck with me for many years before finding the Real Truth through this Marvelous Work and a Wonder. The peace I have within myself now is the best feeling I’ve ever had. I feel joy, love, happiness, freedom and bullet proof. It’s amazing how truely freeing it feels to live fearlessly and unafraid of the opinions of others. But before I open you up to my mind, let me give you a little background into my history ...
I was born 8 generations mormon (Latter Day Saint) in Brisbane Australia. My mum is American, and my dad was an Australian missionary who served his mission in California. (This is how they met) My mum and dad were sealed in the Temple, and my dad graduated from BYU as a professor in marketing and business. Mum worked as a secretary at BYU to put him through college. They moved to Australia after their first 2 kids, and I'm the second youngest of 6 children.
I was a bit of a rebel growing up. I always went to church though, and was a good girl, but I was often in trouble at school and in church for talking too much and getting side tracked (not being very reverent) and being a little bit cheeky. My dad was very strict (He was bishop in my younger years) and I got smacked a lot growing up due to my wild streak. I was petrified of dads belt. We all were! Except for when I could out-run him, and I’d climb up our large jacaranda tree and he couldn't reach me up there. (I'd stay there for hours until he calmed down).
As a kid, I was a tom boy. Happy, healthy ... Always barefoot, having running races with the kids down the street. I loved the outdoors so much, I chose to sleep in a cubby I made of sticks and mud in our backyard, and I slept there many nights and even had an aboriginal corroboree around a fire for my 9th birthday My fondest childhood memories are camping at a place called Elanda point. I would explore the bush and make up my own little games in my head. I went through a stage of wanting to be an aboriginal ... Making my own weapons and paint from coloured rocks. I think that stage lasted about a year.
In school I was very athletic. I especially loved to dance, sing, perform in front of an audience (especially the mirror ), and dreamed of being a singer, or actress. Though, as I got older, my mum pulled me out of dance as she thought the outfits were too revealing and worldly and I never got further in sports, because Sundays were reserved only for church activities. I always felt bad that I missed out on normal dance performances as I really wanted to be on stage!
As I grew up in the church, during my teenage years I was taught the most important calling I could have was to be a wife and mother. I couldn’t wait to be sealed in the temple to a worthy priesthood holder and have lots of babies. And growing up I was pretty boy crazy to. I think I always had a boyfriend or someone I was kissing. Subsequently I was married super young, but I’ll explain more about that later.
Growing up in the church, I looked up to my mum in every way, who ticked all the boxes of "perfect mormon mother.” She was obedient to my dad, and I can't ever remember her speaking back to him, complaining, or raising her voice. I’ve always admired my mother. She is so beautiful. She always showed me unlimited love and affection. It didn’t matter how much attention she gave me, I always wanted more. Mum raised us to be very proud of our pioneer heritage. Every time she bore her testimony I was reminded that we came from “good pioneer stock”.
I've had 2 failed marriages. I couldn't stay married to my first husband as I didn't love him, and I left him (In the real world, we would have just lived together first, and never married and then gone our separate ways.) But being mormon, we got married very quickly in the temple while we were “worthy” … My second husband broke my trust on many issues ... and I lost all respect for him. I left him to. Though we are good friends today, and I love his new wife. I got it right 3rd time around!! Mark and I have been married almost 16 years. Mark was a good mormon boy, fresh off his mission, and I WANTED him. He was "perfect" in my eyes. Masculine, good looking, strong priesthood holder, kind, affectionate, hard working, good with his hands, confident but not arrogant ..... He ticked every box for me. We have the same sense of humour and love lots of the same things, but we are very different and we compliment each other. He's super stubborn, and I'm very easy going, so we work. ;-)
My friends would describe me as a free spirit, passionate, bubbly, and sometimes a little inappropriate with my humour … haha ... That's me!
I'm a mother of 5 children (all from Mark). I’m finally at the stage where things are getting a little easier with my little ones. As my youngest is 5 and my eldest is 14.
I’ve never been to college ... I've worked in sales, modelling, as a personal trainer, fitness model and as a writer for Australia's largest fitness magazine. I love to sing, dance, hike, camp, explore and laugh. That's a bit "about me" ... for now.
Perfectionism and attention....
The main struggle I’ve had my whole life from childhood to adulthood is, “perfectionism”. This trait was drummed into me very young. Coming from what we believed as the “perfect LDS family” and a family who care very much about the opinions of others, Everything was about appearances and always upholding our perfect, family reputation. I felt a lot of pressure and weight on me, to be “perfect” ... look perfect ... act perfect ... Say all the right things.
My mother is beautiful. All of my life I was told the same ... To the point where if I DIDN’T receive a compliment on my physical attributes I thought there was something wrong with me. Every Sunday my little sister and I wore matching dresses and had our hair just right. All of my mothers side of the family are obsessed with beauty ... as am I. I can only remember my gorgeous mum being beautifully groomed. Dinner was always on the table at 5:30pm and she insisted we “Eat our greens”. Both of my parents were successful in their church callings and were loved and respected within our social circles at church. My dad was a good provider and my mother a wonderful home maker and known for her prominent, perfectly on key, choir voice every Sunday in the pews.
As a teenager, when I started to gain a little weight, mum would be sure to let me know. She was never nasty about it, but appearances and perfection were very important! This started as a little girl with my curly hair. Everyone raved about my hair and wanted to touch it. Everyone told me how gorgeous I was, all the time. To this day, I still need compliments.
I can even remember creepy men at church in the hallways giving me compliments. One in particular used to read me poetry about eternal marriage with me, and make me kiss him in rooms at church and in the hallways. Uggghhh.... I was so embarrassed! But he got away with it with it because he was a sandwich short of a picnic and I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. The last time I kissed him was after he made me sit on his lap and i could feel his erection. I remember I started to cry and I jumped off, telling my mum and I never had to kiss him or speak to him again.
When Beauty pays off....
I’ve never gone for any job interview and NOT gotten the job. I’ve been able to bluff my way through many jobs I was under qualified for. I don’t say that in arrogance, it’s just the truth. Even if I am intimidated by people, they wouldn’t know it. This trait has served me well in my vocations. I’ve been able to rub shoulders with people who others would assume are somebodies, even though I’ve not been a somebody. I’m still in contact with some big names through my social media... Lets hope they’re reading this! Maybe their status could hold some weight with getting The Humanity Party known!
My outlet has always been my sense of humour. I’ve been able to release parts of me through my humour and writing and get away with it. Naughty parts, daring parts and parts that most people think about, but don’t verbalise... I say it! Haha.
I’m very affectionate. I am very in-tune with my emotions and my body, and I feel and love deeply. I love to study people, their body language, their mannerisms. I can put on many accents.
I feel a great love and concern for those less fortunate. I’ve tried to help many people behind the scenes. To this day the only person who I stay in touch with from my early school years is a girl named Tina (who was my best friend in primary school) but she was also the most bullied. No one was kind to her and she was badly abused and rejected by so many people. I always stood up for her (and others who were bullied) and I will often put others before myself. My time to myself is often in my pantry, the shower or bathroom. I need more hours in the day for me!
In school I wasn’t in any particular group. I just remember being friends with everyone and floating between groups and people. I had my couple of very close church friends but was never allowed to go to school parties or sleep overs at non members homes. As a kid I was able to avoid drama....less as an adult giving my opinion and it seemed that most poeple liked me ... (I think ... if they didn’t, I didn’t know.)
Now I have to run ... again ... kids need me. I’ll write more later if anyone’s interested.
I feel like I’m writing in my journal.
A few things I don’t tell people ... Things I have kept private.
I was bulimic for most of my teen years. I would also cut myself on and off as a way of releasing pain. Although I was a very happy youth, (honestly I have happy memories) this part of my life was my own secret and something I had full control over.
Whenever I’ve felt out of control, I’ve hurt myself or dreamed about jumping off a waterfall or cliff. I’m a different person today.... Though on occasion (due to stress and feeling like I’ve let myself or others down) I would love to just go to sleep and never wake up. But I’m not in that head space anymore as I know my being on earth is needed. And whenever I’ve felt tempted to take my life, it’s been my kids and their need for me to look after them, that has ultimately stopped me.
I learned at a very young age about sex. In fact I remember reading my birth certificate when I first learned to read, where it says “sex- female” and in my young mind I interpreted that as ,”I’m a sex girl.” I know that sounds weird, but I truely believed that in my head. I would find comfort in masturbation and was addicted to the feeling (orgasm) it gave me. From as early as 3 years old I would masturbate several times a day, every day. I would do it on my chair at school, in the book corner, in the toilets, in the pool, on my bed, under the mini tramp. Looking back I wonder what my teachers thought, because I know they noticed. The thing was it wasn’t “sexually deviant” to me at all ... it was comforting. I don’t speak for every body, but for “this body” it was how I relaxed my mind and body to feel calm and also to help me sleep. I didn’t have imagery to go with the act until I was taught those things by grown ups in my life. Since I’m exposing all that “only god knows” I also started to experiment with a couple of my friends when we were about 7 years old I’d say. The same sensation I felt on my own, began to come to me as my friends and I would practice kissing. Now I’m not gay, but as a young kid I did experiment kissing and touching and I didn’t feel guilty as a young child, until i was exposed to inappropriate stuff by a predator neighbour.
Why am I exposing all of this? Because today I am unashamed of my childhood experiences. They were simply that ... EXPERIENCE. Although not all kids do this stuff ... I did. And I was not a bad kid. I also want to remove the shame that it’s only boys that masturbate. Truth is, most of the female friends I’ve spoken to, said they did it too!
My first marriage.....
My first marriage ended after 2 years. I married him because I was on the rebound from my teenage love (who I fooled around with but we didn’t have sex). I felt terrible and ultimately we had to break up, due to the advice from our bishops. Looking back I wish we did have sex ... I pictured it so many times in my head. Though after our one night of “naughty” I felt like the “licked cup cake” (used goods) as we learned in young women’s at church. I actually think we had a lesson in young women’s and they used that analogy!!! Or maybe it was the chewed up gum analogy? Can’t remember. Either way, that’s how I internalised what I had “done”. During my probation I would hurt myself due to shame and guilt. I wanted to be loved and my self esteem was at an all time low. I also experimented with alcohol on and off during my teenage years.
My dad also had a temper. I never liked the way he spoke to my mum. He was very demanding and often emotionally cruel to my mum and he did cross the line with his punishments with us kids, even right up to before I got married. The last time dad hurt me ... which I won’t write about specifically out of respect for my family, but he left me feeling so humiliated because I was an adult and I felt like an abused dog in this particular instance. I don’t want to speak poorly of my dad ... But I need to paint an honest picture of this time period, of where my head was at and why I was so desperate to get married and be loved and make my family and myself proud.
So when my “Peter Priesthood” first husband came along I saw an opportunity to leave home and be loved by a “good, righteous man”. I think I also was just ready to have sex. This guy was an RM and I was 18. He ticked all the “priesthood” boxes, but if I’m honest ... I was not really attracted to him and we never should have married. I tricked myself into thinking his spirituality and church dedication was all I needed to make me happy and a good person. Since I was never good at being “obedient” and a “perfect molly mormon”. I didn’t love him the way he loved me, and I wanted out. (At times I thought I could learn to love him.) I left him after 2 years. I knew within the first month we were married I would ultimately leave at some stage. That sounds horrible, but it is, what it is ... and I cheated on him. I want to add here that I never slept with my husband again after I cheated. There was no bed hopping. We had just separated when I did “the act” ... Pretty horrible of me. He didn’t deserve it. I remember I told him straight away (the very next morning), and my bishop. He still wanted to stay married but I didn’t.
I was starving for more physical attention (but also emotionally I didn’t feel connected to my husband) and this guy from work was very experienced and I was so hungry for a confident man who made me feel desired.
I remember my church court as a 21 year old. I sat across from a panel of priesthood holding, older men and had to give sexual details about the man from work I had sex with, admitting to my wrongs and all my guilt. I felt worthless.
Within a week after my church court I bought a plane ticket and moved to Utah in 2001 to get a quick divorce! I didn’t trust myself to stay away from this man I hooked up with. My parents also couldn’t deal with the shame I brought to them, so having me move away was the best option for them. The guy from work I slept with followed me to UTAH from Australia and he became obsessed with me ... and I was weak with him.
Our relationship was very sexual.
Eventually he convinced me to come back to Australia. He even got baptised for me! We got married and although our marriage was very passionate, I lost respect for him for things I won’t go into here. We divorced after a year ...
and then came Mark! My sweet heart
I wrote this back in February on Facebook. I want to add this to my story as it sums up my marriage perfectly!
I just stumbled across this wedding pic in my cupboard. This one never made the cut of being framed. I’m not sure why because it’s adorable! It actually sums up a lot of our relationship. I have the most adoring man who gives me everything. I’ve always felt his love and he’s always told me he has the best woman and he’s the luckiest man in the world. What woman doesn’t want to hear and feel that? I’ve never doubted his absolute adoration for me. On the flip side, I do bend over backwards for him. I’m a server and I give so much and I love hard. I gave up a career to have lots of kids and be a wife and mother and admittedly, lost part of myself in the process. It’s so hard to find balance!
When I look at this picture I see fun, love, adoration, freedom, and trust. That’s my relationship with Mark. Our marriage isn’t free of stress. We have 5 kids!!!! But the key to my happiness, and his is to love fully but not to control and not to tell the other what they should need.
My husband and best friend
Mark doesn’t use any social media, has never played video games, and is pretty old school, and I love that about him.
He was born into a faithful LDS family with very little money. His parents lived in a green house, with a dirt floor for a number of years with a large family. They were converts to the church and fled Africa during the war before coming to Australia. Both of his parents are salt to the earth kind of people who would give and do, give all they have, even when they don’t have enough. His family (like mine) are very staunch LDS. Mark is a very sweet person and he gives me all he can. I’ve never doubted his adoration and love for me. Though he can be very protective of my time and I often crave time to myself.
Mark was medically discharged from the Airforce in 2015. We’ve had lots of up and downs with his health (mental and physical) after multiple surgeries he’s had, and addiction to pain killers. To look at him physically he’s a very healthy guy..... But he is often emotionally low. I usually send him to bed to sleep when he’s in a bad place ... or I fuck him! ... TRUTH! Haha (I was going to remove this part, but he told me to keep it! Haha... love u babe! )
I’ve had times where I’ve felt very afraid and I’ve learned how to manage the “signs”.
All of his life he’s been very active and fit. Even today, with all his pain he strives to work out. He held the record in the Australian Airforce for the most amount of chin ups and push ups, on every base we were posted to. He’s pushed his body to the limit in CrossFit training and years of hard work. He’s a thrill seeker....... rock climber.... and is crazy fearless with heights. Mark is a qualified military instructor in Krav Maga, taught by the original Israeli Krav Maga founders. (Who are used by Special forces all over the world) He’s had some intense military training with SAS and commandos. So being physically fit has been a HUGE part of his identity, self worth and self esteem. (This may give a bigger picture into his depression) He never blows his own horn (because he’s a quiet and private person) and because I’m not, I’m happy to blow his horn loud and clear!!!! I’m super proud of him and I adore him. I brag about him on Facebook a lot! (I can)
He’s also a hands-on dad. Our kids have had so many fun experiences because of his skills, though he hates the baby stage and fatherhood is not something he gets “value” from. In his next life I think he’ll be opting for no kids.
As a kid Mark would be off exploring the jungle of North QLD Australia with his knife at a very young age. He’s pretty much like a Bear Grylls (though he doesn’t like being in front of a camera). He loves weapons, action and everything to do with shooting and self defence. I hate watching war movies ... he loves them. I hate guns ... he loves them. .
He’s very talented with his hands. He black smiths, welds and by trade is a bespoke carpenter. Most of his learning comes from his dad or is self taught. Being raised on a farm he learned hard work ethic and I’ve always been proud of him.
I’ll talk about exactly how we found this work in another post.... as many specific things actually brought us here and prepared us mentally.
One thing I would like to mention here is he was never swayed in marrying me ... Regardless of my past or the advice from his bishop. He was counselled he could have any young women and to “Avoid those Hardman girls. They’re trouble”.
Well thankfully he’s super stubborn, so no one was going to tell him who he should love!
Some of my pictures when I was in my prime. Damn, I wish I looked this good! Bloody age!!!
I was a mum of two in all of these pictures. I worked my ass off to get into this shape. And I was very strict in my eating. But I admit, I relied on a lot of caffeine to find enough energy.
When my husband was away with work (which was often in the Airforce), I needed something for me ... So I got into the gym. I’ve always found working out to feel good. It’s a great stress release and I love proving to myself that I can do anything if I want it enough. I was in better shape here as a 30 year old than I was when I first got married. I would get up at 4:15am to train so I wasn’t cutting into anyone else’s time. I always felt guilty working out during normal waking hours because it was seen as selfish (or maybe that’s my own judgement). I’m not always the best juggler. I still struggle with perfectionism ... Perfect wife ... perfect mum ... perfect clean house ... and inside I’m often a perfect mess!
I’ve had to drop some of my “perfect hats” so I don’t burn out!
Now I’m going to be real about my perfectionism. What the magazines DONT tell the public is how much fakeness it takes to look like the perfect finished picture! Even make up goes into giving someone the “natural” look. In all of these professional images I am tanned with fake tan. I’ve used a fabulous make up artist. A brilliant photographer and re- touch artist. Good lighting. And yes, my boobies are compliments of a good surgeoun. I learned how to water load and then de- hydrate my body like body builders do so my muscle definition would be obvious.
Looking at these pictures now even I wish I could look like that! But even when I did look like that, I didn’t actually naturally look like that. Go figure!!! Even I didn’t look like myself! Young girls look at these pictures and aspire to be like the images they see on the covers of magazines. Do any of us actually look like this, really? Without enhancements? I don’t! It hit me today how vain I am. It’s still a journey for me. But I want to be real, and kinder to me ... I guess exposing it all here is a good start!
I will say though..... I’ve never had braces, my gorgeous locks and eyelashes are ALL ME!! I don’t sound very humble do I? Lol
Did I mention I never saw my mum without make up until adulthood? Okay, maybe slight exaggeration there.... But she has NEVER gone out in public without “putting her face on”, as she would say.
All of my family are above average looking. My eldest brother and I look like twins only he’s 9 years older. He went on some American, reality millionaire show (like The Bachelor) and he won. My older sister is a eye brow sculpture and she has her own products and is very successful and has always earned big money. My youngest sister is a cosmetic nurse. My other brother is a lawyer. My eldest sister is a mother of 7, married to a doctor.
Enhancements are ok in my family!!! Though, we don’t really talk about “what and who has had what done.” haha
But I’m also going to be honest and say, genetically our family is naturally good looking. I’m going to include a photo here with no make up, no hair product ... Fresh out of the shower ... el- naturelle!!!! Ha!
Ps- These professional pictures are some of the ones my church leaders and one family member had a problem with, due to me being “endowed”and all. Naughty me in a two piece.
In around the year 2014, My husband and I read a book called “Visions of Glory”
This book changed our outlook on life ... How we lived as church members and ultimately was a Pivotel part of us being led to this work.
At the time, Mark and I were very deep into studying the words of the prophets ... We wanted to be obedient with exactness since we were struggling with financial trials and his health. And this book was all about “The last days.” We studied everything from Joseph Smith, through to the current prophet at the time, who was President Monson. We were ultra spiritual and faithful. I think we turned off all tv except for church related things for a couple of years! Both of us had demanding callings ... I was wearing home made pioneer looking dresses (so weird ... I guess I wanted to live simply and not be noticed) ... Making all our food from scratch ... and basically trying to live life as simply, frugally and obediently as we could. I wanted to be THE PERFECT MORMON WIFE AND MOTHER that my mother was. And because I had left the work place, and now had 4 little children and one on the way, I thought I would fulfil my motherly duties with exactness. I had gone from what the church would call, a “worldly career of attention and vanity” in the public eye, to basically changing my ways to be a “Good and faithful, obedient Latter Day Saint”. So rather than be soaked up by the world, a career focused on my body and looks, and all that came along with it, I completely changed.
We studied the Book of Mormon diligently, all the scriptures, and then delved into the history of the church ... The Brigham Young discourses, ensigns, talks, and writings of all the prophets. We read, watched, lived and breathed everything the church provided in the past and present! We were preparing for the second coming of Jesus Christ! I gained a love for learning ...
Anyway, we became hardcore preppers! At the time we were bottling food, wheat, and following the word of wisdom with exactness. When someone really learns the true doctrine from the prophets and leaders, it’s nothing like most members live today. And actually opposite to the teachings in the Book of Mormon. Mark and I felt a lot of ridicule from extended family, but we just had faith that we were doing the right thing.
During this time though Mark’s immune system was very low and he was always in pain and needing pain killers. He would sleep away the days, and was having a hard time keeping up with work. He was medically discharged from the Airforce and we were forced to live on his parents property, by necessity due to lack of money. We thought we needed to be better ... do better ... try harder ... so we could be “favoured by God” to “be blessed.” We attended the temple as regularly as we could, travelling 4 hours to get there. This was basically when I really gained my own testimony. Paying more tithing than needed. We were in so much debt. I even went bankrupt earlier in our marriage when we were struggling to make ends meet.
By this time we had 5 little kids, and Mark wasn’t working. I had more children because I felt I was fulfilling my role as a woman. In hindsite, I coped beautifully with 3 kids. But I had terrible post natal depression and no energy, especially after my last baby. I felt like I existed to be a slave. I was utterly exhausted. Even though we lived with family, I felt guilty asking for help and even when I did ask, I didn’t get the help I needed. I would often suffer in silence so it appeared like I was coping and so it appeared like I could “do it all”. I was NOT coping. I needed help! My youngest three kids are 1 year apart. Having them so close together stuffed my body and I had gained weight and just felt crap and ugly. Especially after going from being a cover model, Blogger, writer and personal trainer ... to this dowdy, middle aged molly mormon with a bunch of kids, and a husband I had to care for and I looked the part! It was just depressing. My family and testimony was all I had! And I held onto them with both hands. And then we found the sealed portion.
.... to be continued ....
We found the sealed portion!
Looking back I can see so many clues that guided us and prepared us to not only find, but accept the Real Truth™️.
Online I was drawn to the “image” of the tree of life ... I would paint it and also had hangings in my home. Certain scriptures in the Book of Mormon would jump out in my consciousness and I would be cross referencing everything! I was even drawn to the image of the pyramid symbol in my mind and I had Mark build me a pyramid shelf! 😂
After finding out about the Sealed Portion on YouTube, I immediately ordered the hard copy, as I’m a paperback girl.
I remember we were camping the weekend it arrived and Mark and I were reading together by the fire, and then in our tent, with a torch after the kids went to sleep, and we couldn’t put it down. We were crying together reading about our heavenly mother. So beautiful! We both felt it WAS TRUE and the spirit we felt was undeniable. My husband went out around midnight to pray by the creek. To ask God of its truthfulness (as you do the BOM). His answer???? ..... Crickets! 😂
We had tried to talk to our parents about it. They read a few chapters (both Mark’s parents and my mum, but they put it down.) We never finished reading it ... Mark felt it was a “made up story” and he didn’t want to be hood winked. I guess in a way, he was right! (Now that we know the Real Truth™️ ... It all makes perfect sense.)
About the same time, my sister-in-law had come to us with lots of dirt on Christopher. I can honestly say that both Mark and I were confused at this point. Mark told me to get rid of the book, and toss it. You have to understand, I have a great love and respect for my husband and I never wanted to hurt him. We had never had a fight in all our years of marriage. I did what I was told. In fact, I literally burned the book! Geez, talk about extreme! 😂
Fast forward some time ... My curiosity got the better of me. I couldn’t stop thinking about it ... So I bought the book online AGAIN! 😂. Along with “Without Disclosing my True Identity.” And “Sacred not Secret”. We started reading again after I shared bits and pieces ... But again doubts came into Mark’s mind. I then started to read in secret. Which was kinda hard because the books are massive! 😆 I was only reading sporadically. Due to my own depression at the time ... a young, demanding family and stress with Mark’s health, I just let it be. I didn’t have the energy for anything other than the immediate needs of my family.
During this time, my husband’s health was not all bad. Everything we ever did was together. So I never finished the sealed portion. I packed (didn’t burn these ones) them away in the attic. Life went on! I focused on my family. I was so busy with my babies. I had 5 kids, but my youngest 3 were all babies and toddlers. We did leave the church, but we would tell people it was due to the leaders hypocrisy. Which is true! But not completely true. We didn’t speak about The Sealed Portion again for some time. In fact I started reading all the anti-Mormon literature and the CES letter and listening to podcasts to find other answers. I’m the kind of person who wants to read everything, and I did! But I kept coming back to the Marvelous Work and a Wonder writings. Nothing actually made the whole picture fit and make perfect sense.
Then something amazing happened, we received a huge payout from the Australian Airforce/ government! I mean, HUGE! Enough money to buy our (now) beautiful home outright! Mark was seeing several specialists and I had been working behind the scenes, writing letters, working with Advocates, to get compensation for Mark’s injuries during his time as a soldier. It paid off! Big time! I can remember the phone call, and I just cried and cried ... Finally we could buy our own home, car and pay off all debt and move into our own place!
We moved to the prettiest part of Australia! (Prettiest - not wealthiest.) I love my home and I love our surroundings. Mountains make me happy! I can explore and escape whenever I need to. We have a beautiful, fresh spring and both Mark and I love to be out in the garden.
I listened to so many Mormon Stories Podcasts and the whole series of “Year of Polygamy podcasts”. At this time I was also reading posts on Tony Saiki's wall. I have no idea how that even came to be, but I was reading! I would occasionally share bits with Mark and he became interested again as some of it aligned with stuff we had watched on Gaia, especially all the stuff to do with technology. Mark and I had come to the conclusion that we didn’t “know” anything. We knew, that we knew nothing! Lol
Then came the time when Christopher’s website became password protected. I had been reading on my own for around 3 months prior to this and then I wasn’t able to read at all. When I told Mark how I felt about the information and it’s truthfulness, he was so upset that I’d been reading privately ... and I felt like a terrible, disobedient wife.
It’s not that he didn’t believe, but he felt so broken having been lied to by church leaders and he was so turned off reading any religious writings, full stop! He was just happy to live life and put all religion crap in the past. My curious nature felt differently. I still wanted to know what was true!
Anyway, I missed out on reading all the information when it became password protected in 2019. I can remember trying to guess it! 😂😂 I’d be laying in bed on my phone late at night.... No access! Haha ...Doh!
Then earlier this year I found the work again online as it became public. Regardless of what people said, I just loved the “writing”. I was drawn to it, (drawn to the Real Truth) like a moth to a flame. Nothing else made more sense!!! Everything I had studied through all my years of “yearning to know” fit together PERFECTLY. Then when the “Greatest message to the world” came out (Christopher’s video) I was ALL IN ... I shared it with Mark. I think I watched it 20 times! (There’s my obsessive personality again! 😂) Something inside me knew I had to “share it publicly” and sharing it scared me to death! What would people think of me? Would they think I had joined a cult?! But I just had to. Everything that makes me wanted to share that video!
By this stage, Mark just wanted to support me reading as much as I wanted to read. No more reading in secret! He broke down and told me he to knew what we were reading was true. But he really struggled with Christopher’s “delivery”. (As so many do!)
Then Mark and I read, “The True History of Religion”. I put a post all over Facebook about this book. I ordered several copies and gave them away. This was our awakening book of The Real Truth!!! We KNEW THIS WAS THE REAL TRUTH™️. For us, we never finished reading The Sealed Portion, but The True History of Religion was our firm foundation! It’s my favourite book. Such an amazing read that ties all religious history together. And so easy to read!
I would also like to add here that although Christopher has a bad public reputation. He’s never once made me feel personally uncomfortable. In fact, he even asked that I stop messaging him privately when I had so many questions about this work!
So regardless of what others may “read about him” or “hear about him”, my experience is he is ONLY ever been about this work. To help humanity wake up to the deception we’ve been conditioned to believe.
I’ve not been able to leave this work alone. I’ve read all the books available ... and promoted them as I’ve read them. I’ve lived it. Breathed it ... and I love it!
Mark and I now both know who we are and why we exist.
And here I am!